Dec. 3, 1863 - May 7, 1864Diary, Dec 3rd 1863

The morning rose as high and beautiful as an island morning in this latitude knows so well how to do. The all absorbing Topic, viz the Fulton, was not settled she had been staid outside the Bor all night.  Genl Gillmore & staff had taken her mail on their way up from Fort Pulaski the evening previous and she had to await the pilot boat of this morning.  Before breakfast my package of letters came - of various interest.  David writes that he is expecting to return by the first boat which leave N Y this month - which I doubt a little.  Irving writes a good well balanced touching letter - he has not yet read my invitation to visit Port Royal, Sam writes me Confidentially, which I reply to at once, Mrs. L. B. Comins of Charlton writes me of her husbandLewis Comins of 31st Mass Regt. sick 
in hospital convalescent Camp Nelson 
Ky. and wishes a release for him.
I have replied to her, and promise 
an effort in his behalf. She tells me 
that Dr. Watson is his surgeon.
I will write him and see what I can 
effect;- The Ladies of Worcester Relief 
Society write to acknowledge the 
receipt of the trifles sent to their "Fair" and that they sent me a box.
- Genl Gilmore went to Beaufort 
and returned early, a general commotion, 
as usual, no rest for the 
weary, or peace for the righteous on 
these occasions.  "horses" was the cry 
today, and everything ransacked to 
obtain them.  The glorious news 
of the defeat of Bragg by Grant 
was brought by the Fulton, and also the 
forward movement of Genl Meads 
army, pressing upon Lee, all this 

drew a salute from our guns & 
we had quite a little rejoicing over 
the good fortunes of our distant brothers 
in arms. 10000 prisiners reported
—Heaven grant this may let off 
some of our starving thousands in 
Southern [bondage] prisons. I did 
not see Miss Baldwin but she went 
to ride with "Joe", Ebull, as the Capt
 did not get time to eat his dinner 
he could not ride. Maj Flagg is 
out of hospital, and dined with us 
he is not enamored of hospital life 
and would not choose it. I think 
he does not speak favorably of all 
the management and thinks the 
arrangements might be improved 
and the patients be better fed 
without positive injury to their 
digestive organs. I cannot learn 
from him that I can probably 
be of any service to them byattempts to XXX item. A letter from Mrs. Lamb speaks of some remarks of Mrs. Lander's design to reflect both upon the officers and Sanitary Commission, I think Dr Marsh will reply in part -
Frank returned this morning on to Fuller. Leander came in to pass the evening and now at 10 o'clock has just gone, - I must axxx in some manner to make my days XXXX to more purpose.

Friday, December 4th 1863
Another of these bright purple mornings - the frost covers roof and ground and tent till all were of the same shade. The dark glittering in the sunlight looked like a huge bar of silver swimming into the sea - but the hundreds of xxx hand playing at the immense xxx of the Fallen reminded me that she would xxx be "afloat" again, and I must quit my feast of admiration and repair to my little desk, for huddled xxx that white pine four legged camp table and cunning cedar desk are the friends of a life time, waiting for me to speak to them, and I could address them only there. Jimmy met me first and taking his hand as I imagined the familiar subtle stroke of my gold pen to be I sat down to converse with himwe chatted very fast - a few minutes of things more familiar to us than any one else. and much more intelligible, when the call to breakfast interrupted me, we had only Maj. Flagg besides our own little family - and as usual the meal was well prepared and pleasantly partaken.
Next was to arrange for a ride in the P.M. which we wished mainly on Miss Baldwin's account, she has not much accustomed to the saddle in these latter years and feared to detain us. - to overcome this I wrote Col. Elwell, inviting him & M Baldwin, and finally Miss B. came to call on me.  I fitted her to such preparations as I knew she required for a long ride 
bespoke the little white horse for her, and it was settled that we go about 2 o clock. in the mean time Aunt Betty called to dispense a few thanks and receive a few more favors, all of which were gotten along with most graciously.  her house is nearly done for all of which she declares herself very "proud."  Poor old Aunt Betty I hope her freedom may not prove a burden to her.  Various calls all pertaining to the ride were made, and all satisfactorily disposed of I believe, till at length the hour drew nigh, and Capt Lamb came bringing with him Colonel Otis of the 10th Connecticut Regiment who was to ride with us.  I was delighted to hear so directly from Lieut Col Leggett, he is not in the Invalid Corps as I had heard, but will return in two or three weeks.  He seemed very grateful to me for "saving the life of his Lieut Colonel" - I am glad God saw fit to spare him, and give him strength to pass through that terrible hour of sufferingFinally we were ready and off.
Capt. Lamb, Col. Otis, Joe. Elwell, Frank Lamb, 
Charlie. - Mary Gage, Mary Baldwin & Myself - 
(picked up Mary Baldwin at Head quarters) - 
down the beach, up through the upper wood, out 
to Graham's plantation, where we alighted. - to 
rest.  met Capt Tilten of the Delaware & Mrs. Tilten 
and Mrs. Stetson Dr. Gordon - surgeon for the 
Pickets & stationed there, gathered some Camilia Buds, 
chatted, remounted and off for home, - passed 
Stony's, rode socially, without formality - none 
of us claiming partners except Joe. & Mary G.
The day was lovely, warm enough, and still 
cool. I ought to mention that I rode Frank's 
little bay horse, by way of breaking him to a 
lady's riding - he was nervous and fretted 
some, but was perfectly manageable even 
under the most exciting run, so I have 
voted him "in" -- not quite dusk when we 
reached home, - took supper, and after a pleasant 
evenings conversation, Col. Otis [re] left, and in 
truth I was too weary to write my journal, on 
retiring to my room I found a letter from Dr. 
Marsh, per Mr Day explaining why Dr Marsh did 
not call for me on his way to Morris Island - all 
perfectly satisfactory. - I think a large party of us will 
go to St Augustin on Monday evening - Still some rejoicing 
over Grant's victories.

Saturday Dec. 5th 1863
This morning I determined to have the 
whole day to myself if possible.  I had a great 
many letters waiting a reply, and others which 
I wished to write independently. I accordingly 
made ready and sat down early at my "Desk"
On the arrival of the Genl Hunter from Beaufort -
Jane announced to me the arrival of Mis DuBois 
and Mrs. Judge Worden from Beaufort. - I 
laid aside my pen and went below. I was glad 
to see them. they are excellent ladies and if I 
could find more time in these short days, I should 
enjoy such society very much. - Mr. Baldwin 
and Mary made a short call at dinner time & 
Miss Kennedy and some Dr. from Beaufort called 
and finally I was agreeably surprised by a visit 
from my esteemed friend Dr. Marsh - this was 
near dinner time and he was persuaded to dine 
with us. dinner had been arranged with a view 
to Capts. Dunton & Hutchins A.Q.M.s from Morris
Island. but the presence of the ladies frightened 
them and they did not appear. - The Boat -whistle startled us all from dinner, the ladies were
sent down in a carriage, the Dr ran to transact a
little more business and quiet reigned again. 
The subject of a visit to St. Augustine was discussed
and I decide to go if by doing so I shall not miss
a visit to Morris Id.  After dinner I resumed
my letter writing and Leander called, he was soon
followed by the Colonel, and he by Mrs. Major Orman
(Paymaster). I did not see Mrs. D, but she left word
for me to call upon her, and at teatime the Colonel
called for me and I went home with him, found
Miss Baldwin there as bright and cheerful as ever,
and after a pleasant hour I passed along to the
farther end of the piazza and found Mrs. Dorman
who soon made known to me the subject of her
desires. - As I suspected the matter was hospitals,
She has been visiting the hospital at this place,
and has become not only interested but excited
upon the subject, - the clothing Dept she finds
satisfactory, but the Store room appears empty
and a sameness prevailing through food as
provided which seems to her appalling for a
diet for sick men. She states that they have
no delicacies such as the country at the
North are flooding hospitals with, that the food
is all badly cooked, served cold, and always the
same thing, , dip toast, meat cooked dry,
and tea without milk, perhaps once a week a
potato for each man, or a baked apple, - she
proposes to establish a kitchen Dept. for the
serving of proper food to these me[n] irrespective
of the pleasure of the "Powers that Be." She expects
opposition from the surgeons in charge, and Mrs.
Russell, the Matron appointed and stationed by
Miss Dix, but thinks to commence by littles
and work herself in, in spite of opposition, an[d]
make report directly to Washington through
Judge Holt, and other influential friends and
obtain a carte blanch from Secty. Stanton to
act independently of all parties. She wished
to know if I thought it would be possible to
procure supplies sufficient to carry on such
a plan, and people to cook and serve, if it were once established, and directed properly.She had just mailed a letter to Miss Dame
calling upon her to stir people at the north
and make a move if possible in the right
direction. She said Genl Gillmore took tea
with her the evening previous and inquired 
with much feeling - "How are my poor Boys"
She desired me to attend church at the Hospital
tomorrow, (Sunday) morning, not with her, but
go, pass through, and judge for myself. In the 
mean time the Major came in and the subject
was discussed generally,  I listened attentively
gave it as my opinion that there would be no
difficulty in obtaining supplies, and means of paying
for the preparation of them, but of the manner
and feasability of delivering, and distributing them
among the patients I said nothing. I had nothing
to say. I partly promised to attend church the
next morning, and retired having said very
little. What I have thought is quite another 
thing. I have no doubt but the patients lack
many luxuries which the country at large endeavor 
to supply them with, and suppose they have -- 
no doubt but men suffer and die for the lack
of the nursing and provisions of the loved ones at home.
No doubt but the stately, stupendous and magnificent 
indolence of the Officers in charge embitters
the days of the poor sufferers who have become mere
machines in the hands of the Government, to be ruled
and oppressed by puffed up conceited, and self
sufficient superiors in position. No doubt but a

good well regulated kitchen, presided over 
with a little good common sense, and womanly
care, would change the whole aspect of things
and lengthen the days of some, and brighten the 
last days of others, of the poor sufferers within the
thin walls of this hospital. I wish it might
be but what can I do. -- First it is not my
province, I should be out of place there, next
Miss Dix is Supreme, and her appointed nurse is
Matron, next the surgeons will not brook any
interference, and will in my opinion resent and
resist the smallest effort to break over their
own arrangements, What others may be
able to do I am unable to conjecture, but I 
feel that my guns are effectually silenced -- 
My sympathy is not distroyed, by any means, 
but my confidence in my ability to accomplish
anything of an alleviating character in this 
Dept. is completely annihilated. I went with
all I had, to work where I thought I saw greatest
need. -- A man can have no greater need than tobe saved from death,) and after six weeks of 
unremitting toil I was driven from my own tents
by the selfish cupidity or stupidity of a pompus
staff surgeon with a little accidental temporary
authority, and I, by the means thrown upon a 
couch of sickness, from which I barely escaped
with my life. After four weeks of suffering most
intense, I rose in my weakness and repaired
again to my post, and scarcely were my labors
recommenced when through the same influence
or no influence brot to bear upon the Genl
Commanding I was made the subject of a 
general Order, and commanded to leave
the Island, giving me three hours in which
to pack, remove, and ship, four tons of supplies
with no assistance, that they knew of but one
old female negro cook. I complied,-- but
was remanded to Beaufort to labor in the hospitals
there. - with this portion of the "Order" I failed to comply, 
and went home to Hilton Head and wrote 
the Commanding General a full explanation
of my position, intentions, proposed labors &c. which

brought a rather sharp response, calling 
my humanity to account for not being willing
to comply with his specified request viz to labor in Beaufort hospitals--insisting
upon the plan as gravely as if it had been a possibility
to be accomplished, but for the extreme ludicrousness 
of the thing I should have felt hurt at the 
bare thought of such a charge against me &
from such a quarter. - The hospitals were supplied
by the Sanitary Commn. Miss Dix holding
Supremacy over all female attendants by authority
from Washington, Mrs Lander claiming and
endeavoring to enforce the same, and scandalizing 
through the Press.--each hospital
labeled--No admittance--and its surgeons
bristling like porcupines at the bare sight of
a proposed visitor.--How in reason's name was
I "to labor there", should I prepare my food
and thrust it against to outer walls, in the hope
it might strengthen the patients inside, should 
I tie up my bundle of clothing and creep up and
deposit it on the door step and slink away like
a guilty mother, and watch afar off to seeif the masters of the mansion would accept 
or reject the "foundling." If the Commanding 
General in his wisdom, when he assumed the direction 
of my affairs, and commanded me where 
to labor, had opened the doors for me to enter 
the idea would have seemed more practical. -- 
It did not occur to me at the moment how I was 
to effect an entrance to these hospitals, but I have since thought 
that I might have been expected to watch my 
opportunity some dark night and storm them 
although it must be confessed that this popularity of this mode 
of attack was rather on the decline in this Dept 
at that time, having reached it hight very 
soon after the middle of July. --

Sunday, Dec. 6th 1863. --
The weather has "come off" cold and the waves 
are rolling high and angry. The Ben Deford 
lay off the dock with a Genl's Flag flying and it 
was soon ascertained that General Seymour 
was on board and had come to remain. Capt Ford 
and Col Jackson of the Commissary Dept were 
ranked next door to us, and before noon the Genl 
was installed in his new home. I had thought 
to attend church at the hospital but when all 
ready even to my gloves on, the Capt thought 
it was late, and I did not go, but sat down to my 
desk and wrote, I should have mentioned that 
I wrote to my dear friend Rev. Nathan Brown 
Ed. of the "Christian Baptist".  This gave me great 
satisfaction, as it was an old neglected duty fulfilled 
better late than never. The Fulton sailed about 
11 o'clock.  --  Little or nothing of interest has 
occurred today if I shall except the placing 
in my hands of a letter by Capt _ _ _ _ which 
I am to keep I hope always. -- It is now 9 
o'clock and I am tired. I slept so little last night. 
Letter from Col Hall this morning -- Mr. HoxieMonday. Dec 7th, 1863 --
The morning was rough and the waves rolled
furiously, and greatly to our astonishment, the
first object which met our eyes was the Steamer
Fulton snugly anchored of the shore of St Helena.
She had returned during the night having been 
sent back by the General Commdg on reaching "Folly"
The circumstance at once became the theme of 
conversation and gave rise to all sorts of vague
speculations and rumers. Some said there
was to be an "Expedition", and she was detained
that either she might or might not take dispatches
to the north, like Mrs. Partingtons indigo
test, they "coudn't tell which", -- others, that
she was to be unloaded and take troops on that
important occasion, -- others that she came
back to coal, which absurdity became 
a literal fact, which however so far from
being a cause was a consequence, involved
in the increased length of her trip. I refered
the vexed and anxious question to Col _____ 
- who presumed she was detained to give
Genl _____ an opportunity to put on a 
clean paper dickey, as a steamer with a 
General's Flag displayed have just come down
from Folly Island, and crossed over to the Fulton.
Subsequently the Commanding General
arrived and it was ascertained that the delay
was ordered, to give a little more time to Mr
Shay his especial friend who is here for
the purpose of looking through the Dept and
writing a history of it under its present administration.
Of course all lesser objects must stand 
still while the Sun is glorified. -- 
It was still uncertain if I should go to St
Augustine. The steamer Maple Leaf was still
at Beaufort, and it was thought to be so rough
she would not come out, but about 1 oclock
Dr & Mrs Marsh made their appearance
several persons were on board. Dr. [Climer?]
Mrs Dubois, Mrs Judge Worden, and several
others. I thought I would go. - Dr. [?]
who was going invited Dr & Mrs. Marsh to dine
- and I made ready to go, but, it was urged that it
was "rough." The Capt did not wish me to go. II sent to the Col. he wrote me three times came
once and sent and twice for me not to go. and
after I was all packed, my cloak and hat on, gloves
in hand, I waived the whole matter, took off sat
down and said I would be advised by my friends
and would heed their advice, they are my friends
and would not advise me selfishly, never had, and
if I never went to St Augustine I would not
disregard their expressed wishes. So I staid
at home like a good child and did'nt cry--
true it was rough. The Dr returned for me, he 
agreed with me in my decision. I spoke with him
of the hospital question. he said they had a 
large fund at Hilton Head hospital and that 
the Commn supplied them what they needed
and that his advice to me was not to go near them
much as I might desire to relieve any distress
which might exist. I should never be allowed 
to do so, that between the surgical regulations and
the Supreme authority of Miss Dix, what failed 
of being done must go undone, and he could not
see me compromised by them in the least.--
The advice was honest I know and agrees with all
I receive from my wisest and best friends
but there are Armies in which no such straight
laced discipline prevails. and I must seek a 
freer atmosphere, where one can be allowed to 
work for a needy soldier without committing
an indiscretion meriting disgrace.

Tuesday Dec. 8th 1863
The morning was as rough as need be--
the Fulton had crossed over to our side and lay
just off the dock, the "Maple Leaf" had gone,--I got
a fire started and made ready for breakfast.-- 
had a long conversation with Maj. Flagg relative
to Genl Hitchcock, now of Washington, and author
of a series of Explanations of Ancient fables and
Fairy tales, with a view to showing their hermetical
character. The Red book of Appin" --"The six swans"
&c. &c. I was pleased with the opportunity of learning 
something of the character of one of my neighbors
as Genl Hitchcock is a [nativ] resident of W.
I read the papers up ready for the [invoice?]
by the "Arago" expected on Thursday, and was
especially interested in Miles O-Reilly and his
interview with the President & Cabinet, this has
not been one of my busy days. but my mind
has not been wholly inactive,--After dinner
the Col. came in, and I learned from him that
Col. Halprin was going to Washington to be
on Genl Halleck's staff. I was very glad of this
wrote Col. Hall, to acknowledge receipt of letters for Mr HoxieHilton Head So. Carolina
Tuesday, Evening Dec 8 1863
Lt. Col. James F. Hall
My dear friend
I beg you will not
suspect for a moment that I have any
important mission to accomplish by writing you
tonight. I have little to communicate only
as our Colored Brethren would express it - 
I wanted to tell you "Howdy" and assure you
that two enclosed communications were safe
in my hands, and will so remain only as I
may with to refer to them in a proper manner
I can fully sympathise with the writer. it 
is hard to have ones good opinions disappointed.
I remember when a mere child
with what feelings of awakened pity I
read of the weary famishing travellers
who grasped at the beautiful fruit, red
and golden growing upon the shores of the 
Dead sea, to find it turn to dry bitter ashes
in their mouths.
I have been reading today with great interest
Miles OReilly's interview with President Lincoln
and his Cabinet. What a shocking blunder that 
was of Luke Clark's; no wonder Miles shook his
fist at him, till he had to be called to order, But
whether well or ill taken by the dignified Body
the President certainly could not doubt the
sincerity of Miles, after that shake of the hand
upon being introduced. In spite of all opposition
I think Miles is bound to become "famous', Upon
calling Col. Elwell's attention to the article this
P.M. he informed me that he had learned
through you, that Miles was likely to become a 
resident of my city this winter. I am very glad
to know it.
We have not a particle of news in this
vicinity having sent, as I believe, the last tiny
speck off by the "Fulton". Only the great, good 
and glorious tidings of victory, which like the
day light and sunshine, seem to spread
over half the globe, .Heaven grant us strength
and spare us Grant, till the end come, andthe purpose be accomplished.
If I should chance to have a friend
about your field please remember me
to him, not forgetting that bright eyed
pale faced lad, who must gather strength
and freshness in our southern sun and
winds. And counting me always as
your sincere friend, allow me so to 
remain.
Most Respectfully
And Truly
Clara Barton

Wednesday Dec. 9th 1863
The wind is still very high, and the tide as
shown by its marks of retreat has seldom been
so high. I commenced to write early and
have done little else all day. Aunt Betsey
came to bring me some groundnuts, and Mrs
Willingham a reffugee came to get the articles which
Mrs Dame left with me. Col E. called in
the P.M, with a headache, of course, as the
Ben Deford is here, that boat always brings
the head ache, - the Comdg Genl has 
been taking Miss Baldwin out to ride all
day. "How are my poor" girls? Mr Coe
called at evening. he thinks the May may
go north. - I am beginning to think seriously 
of going to Washington. there are many things
I wish to attend to there. - papers of the 4th tell
us that Genl Mead has fallen back. The Arago
is almost due tonight, is confidently expected 
by morning.Thursday Dec. 10th 1863
It is still windy and rough.--the signal flag
floating from the Old Custom House was the first sight
which greeted our eyes. about 9 o clock She neared the
dock but as the Sturgis was being discharged she could
not "come in", Capt Lamb went out with a tug, and brought
off the mails, and my letters came straggling in all
day. one from Mr Upperman telling me that Mr
Holloway, had ordered my writing to be dropped in
consequence of the representation of some twenty ladies
that I was in receipt of large salary from the
Government here, for my services on the Army--
At the same time requiring me not to expose his name
in any reply I might make, and asking me to ask
Ed's promotion in the S.G.O. - I draw my own conclusions
--Mr Brown writes me in reference to the same
subject and has met it manfully, and fought
it outright like a true open friend as he is-- 
He also writes me from Vt. previously, that
he went home to Thanksgiving would take Mrs B
back with him, had his old room, wished me to 
come home, and that Sen Wilson came on with
him to N. Y., sent on his baggage, - & regards to me

Sam and Amelia write, A sends me a 
crochett collar red & black--very pretty.-- 
Mary Norton writes me a good friendly noble
letter such as she always does, and encloses Mrs.
A C. Thomas, photograph, beautiful, and a little
old time note from Charlie. Vera writes of 
the P.O. exclusively. she still fears, the Judge writes
that he has written Mr Baldwin on the subject
and requested to be informed of any more-- 
David writes that he shall return by next boat
and he sends on Mr Crawford--Warren
Aldrich as Engeneers, and Mr. Parker & Stone
as teamsters, they all called upon me, and I 
passed a pleasant hour with them.
Miss Gage. and Miss Baldwin went to ride
and have pictures taken - called for my
condemned ones. I sent for them all immediately.
and destroyed them. I can have no pictures
and will not buy any more to please any one.
The Col. called at evening. and wished the Capt
and myself to come and pass the evening
with them. I was not in the right spiritfor visiting, and sent a note declining.
Mr. Baldwin came in directly after dinner
and remained till after dark. we had a most
interesting visit. still I have felt an under
current of unhappiness all day. - The Army of
the Potomac have fallen back to their old position
north of the Rappahanock - the same old round - 
I was ill at ease, out of patience and so retired.

Friday December 11. 1863
I thought I would write all day, without interruption
it rained, the tide was almost at the door, and a sloop
ashore in the door yard, - At breakfast time Col Elwell
and Miss Baldwin called, we conversed of Morris
Island. I could not feel right. I fear the "edge is off"
after a little, she left, and I returned to write before noon
Mayer Fay and Miss Gilson came. they were going
to Beaufort, and return on Sunday or Monday and 
go home on the Arago. they were just as usual - 
told me of the death of poor Bently, killed by the
explosion of an engine. his wife thought he did not
leave money enough - I invited them to return on 
Sunday and ride with us. I hope they may do so - 
The Col called after sending a note and I 
spoke with him of the future. he is calm and 
considerate, and trusting. I made a prophecy
which he declared his intention of remembering it was
to the effect, that, Mrs E would come in two or three
weeks. I should go home soon after that in the spring
he would go with them to Cleveland and return to 
Washington and send for them - in the evening
I wrote to Commisioner Holloway the following
letter. - it is now 8-1/2. I am sitting at the table
in the sitting room below with the Capt writing home - 

December 11th 1863
Hon. D P Holloway
Commn of Patents.
US. - Sir
I learn that the
little matter of writing which is done at your office
in my name, has been recalled,- this of itself as a 
mere fact, would never have drawn a response from
me, but the misrepresentations which I am informed
induce it are sufficiently gross to do so.

I understand that some twenty or more of
the ladies who write for the Patent Office, have 
positively represented to you that I am the recipient
of a salary from the Government, as connected with
the Army, and on the ground demand the removal
of my name from the Books of your office. This assertion
(let who will make it). is utterly and entirely
and I fear wilfully and maliciously false, having
no foundation even in truth, but so far from it,
the fact is still present in your memory, andI ask no truer or better witness than Judge Holloway
that in the early commencement of this war, I
asked to be permitted to write without pay so that
our Government might have the benefit of my
little labors, This you were too manly to 
allow, and I could not longer content myself
to sit selfishly at my desk for my own personal
benefit, paid by our Government, and our 
soldiers dying on the field for lack of comforts
care, and nursing. I returned my writing
to the office to be done asking only that my
position be held for me and went to the field
I believe a part of the derided salary has
always been given me, With a portion of this
I have paid the rent of a room in Washington
which I have rarely occupied, retaining it merely
as a shelter to which I might return, when my
strength should fail me under exposure and
labor at the field, I deemed this prudent, as
I had neither father or mother, and nowhere
on the face of the earth have I other home or shelter
That which I have not required to meet this
expense, I have expended in such articles of
food as I saw needed, prepared them myself
and distributed them to our soldiers wounded and
languishing in Camp hospital, and on the open field,
My own living has been such as our Government provides
for its troops, hard crackers, often mouldy and wormy
salt meat, and water, And from no person, or persons, 
or Society of Commission, or Corporation or Bureau.
or any other conceivable source, have I ever received one
dollar of salary or reward, and in all cases where I 
could, without doing positive injury to the feelings of a
grateful soldier, I have refused all presents, I desired
to labor without reward, and I have done it, -

This removal will only involve the necessity of
dispensing with my room, which I can easily do by
distributing its little contents among the poor of our city
of whom I have never found any lack, and if sickness
ever take me at the field, I cannot think that the doors
of our hospitals will be closed against me, - My
chief regret will consist in the loss of the few dollars
to the needy soldiers I meet in my rounds, but if the 
ladies who write for you need it more than ourtroops in the field. I have nothing to say in opposition
to the transfer. With one solitary exception they are
strangers to me, and for this lady I went personally and sought
the position she holds. It has been a part of the work of my life
time to aid in opening every avenue to honorable employment
for my own sex. I hope these ladies are equally generous with me.
And now sir, before I close, I must beg that you will not
misconstrue my object in writing. It is not to complain of the
decision which has been made, it is not in my nature to 
complain, I have learned to endure and have no complaints
to make, - And it is not by any means to seek a continuance of
favors, - no doubt your decision has been wisely and carefully
made, and if so I could only advise that it be consistently
adhered to, - Neither have I painted up a picture and left
it in your hands as a "generous man" to act upon, I have
stated plain unvarnished facts, and I do not ask for generosity
It is not for those accustomed to face death twenty times a
day, in nearly all possible shapes, to become appalled by
the prospect of a little future want, and sue for mercy.
My only object is, as stated in the commencement, to 
thoroughly and flatly contradict as I do, the assertion
or insinuation that I do now, ever have, or ever shall, receive
the least equivalent for time and money expended upon, on
services rendered to the soldiers of our Armies -
 
It is niggardly in its nature, and derogatory to 
every feeling of humanity and patriotism and as
such I reject and scorn it -

With regrets that so false and
belittling a subject should occupy so much of
your time to read, or mine to write

I Am hastily
Yours 
Clara Barton,


Saturday 12 Dec 1863
The rain fell in torrents the first I saw of
the day. and there has been little cessation
I employed myself with my letters. wrote to 
Judge, Mary Norton, Worcester Relief Society, Julia
Mr Upperman, Elvira, Sam & Amelia, Mr Brown. I have 
not felt much more contented or happy than on
the day previous. We were to invite Major Usher
to dine but the rain prevented. We had
intelligence of the sinking of the Weehawken with
thirty one lives lost. It is supposed her anchor
cable drew out and parting her admitted the [water?]
she only plunged twice and went down. The men
were mostly below, and could never have known 
the cause of their disaster. Shocking. - Col &
Mrs Baldwin called at evening, still 
the rain poured down, Col Hall, and 
Genl Gullman came down on the Ben
Deford. I begin to think I will go north
on the Arago next trip, The Boat has
not returned from St Augustine.Sunday Dec. 13th 1863
Calm. warm. but misty. the sun is
trying to break through the clouds and fog.
but is not very successful. I expected Major
Jay and Miss Gilson. but a dispatch came at
11 a.m., saying that they would be detained by
the weather. I did some chamberwork recd
a call from John Coe. - he goes north with
Major Usher on the Arago. I think they will
not return, - Mr Lucas of Worcester, now in the
Store with Mr Dennis, brother of Capt. John called
and brot me some numbers of the Worcester Spy.
Col. Hall called and dined with us, and 
left in haste to go to Beaufort - At dark Dr
Marsh came, the Maple Leaf had returned
from St Augustine, had been lost all day 
in the fog. was off the bar at 7 o clock a.m.
but the light ship had been swept away
and the pilot mistook the channel for
Tybee, and took the boat up to Edisto
and just returned. I send down a basket
of crackers & cheese. their passage has
been very rough, but visit pleasant -
 
December 14th 1863 
Monday
I woke before daylight, and the rain
was still pouring down, of a truth I thought 
the deluge had come upon us once more - but
the clouds broke away with daylight and
the sun broke through the mist. the
"Arago" was really stayed, and at breakfast
we found that Capt Gadsden and a party of
friends had impressed the best horses and
Capt Lamb's side saddle into a ride from
his ship. The Hunter from Beaufort brot,
Mr Hoadley, who had just met Dr
Marsh and the party returning from
St Augustine. he thought there was not only
sea sickness, but terror depicted in their faces
He informed me that [Major Gary?] and Miss Gilson
were on the Arago. and would be up soon; they came
and we arranged for a ride after dinner which
we took at 2 1/2 o clock to lengthen our time - 
We included Charlie and took a ride down the
beach and up [Lovers?] Lane, the P.M. was fine
and the ride really delightful, Nothing could
have brought up more fine old memories ofthe war, and our past pleasures and
dangers. I tried to contrast the two
positions, this and a year ago, but there
were no points of similarity upon which to
base a judgment. On our return I found
Col. Hall waiting to see me, had called
and, returned, assisting me from my horse
he went in and made one of this sprightly
little visits, bright and cheerful. Miss G
presented me her photograph taken from
a crayon head, taken by Rouse of Boston
at 100 dollars. it is really beautiful,
we had supper about 9 P.M., and Capt G
and I went on board the Arago, Miss G laden
with oranges, and flowers. After a few moments
chat on the Boat we bade goodbye and 
left. I looked for John Coe who had called
in the evening to bid adieu, going north
with Major Wisher. I think will not return.
My letters were mailed at 6 o clock. I sent
13 - one to Mrs. Elwell which I intended to 
have enclosed with the Col's but had not
time.

Tuesday Dec. 15th, 1863
The sun rose splendidly. The Arago still
lay at the wharf. Capt went to her saw
Mr Fay, Miss Gilson not visible, probably
had not commenced upon her "champaign"
While preparing for breakfast a notice came
from Col. Elwell inviting Capt & myself to
visit Fort Pulasky, the Mary Benton
would go down, of course we would go. &
Made ready accordingly, the carriage
came - the carriage waited and took in
me and little Maud Pines, Genl
Seymour, & Miss P. Walhead. found 
Dr & Mrs Craven. Mr & Mary Baldwin
Col Elwell, and at 9 1/2  we were on our way
The day was beautiful beyond description.
We [pursued?] the inland route through
Beaufort river to Calabogue Sound
passed Seabrook where all the Steamers
& Boats of this Dept are repaired - 
the Machine shop is being removed
to St Helena this week -We passed near Spanish Wells, saw
rebel picket, on the right and our own
on the left - The scenery was most
charming. great arches of trees, which
were a perfect landscape in themselves.
We walked. chatted, and strained our
[weary] eyes till at length Fort Pulasky 
appeared in the distance. Its general
appearance is much like Fort Sumpter with
the difference of being one story less in hight; it
is situated in the center of a marsh so deep
as to preclude all possibility of a flank
movement, and the difficulties attendant upon
storming it from the sea were too fearful
to endure contemplation, although this was
a part of the programe in the intended attack
before the capture. A low causeway of only
some seven feet in width leads from the dock
to the fort a distance of some 1/4 of a mile or (600
yds) [across] over which a storming party must
have passed. The marsh on each side utterly
impassible, even for a step, and on either side
rifle pits had been ranged which
would play directly into them the whole distance
while the Fort would enfilade the whole distance
It is built of brick covering some two acres
A deep moat surrounds the fort on all
sides; In the attack, the fire was concentrated
upon the NE corner of the fort, [and they]
which was soon breached. The Magazine
was located in the same corner, which
was said to have lead to the early capitulation
- We passed around the Fort on the parapet - 
Met Col. Metcalf who is in command, and
Lieut Goodnow, who commands a company of
KG Artillery, & who gave us some fine shells
gathered on Bay Point. - at 2 o clock we were
reminded that it was "time", and repared to
the boat - our trip home was fine and
we approached our dock just as the sun
was setting - on our way up we were
stopped by Col Elwell - with the supposition
- How would you like to go to Morris Isl
tonight - "All right" - and so it was arrangedthat we go at 9 or ten o clock. At our 
house we met Chaplain Haskell of the
40th Mass. regt - had been sick in Beaufort
was returning to Morris Isl. Capt L could 
not leave his business to go, but at 10 o clock
lighted us onto the Ben Deford where I found
Col Elwell, Mr & Miss Baldwin - Dr & Mrs Raven & son
& Lieut. Lowell; Miss Baldwin played the piano
all the evening, others sang, and the evening passed
off very pleasantly. at length all retired
I wrote my journal and lay very still
till morning Dec 17th, determined I would not be
sick, and, jumped up and commenced to dress
with all possible expedition, but as I had 
about half completed a hasty toilet the boat
gave two or three lurches and I was done. - 
Finally I gathered strength and finished my
toilet, and found myself the first lady in the 
drawing room, soon Miss Baldwin made
her appearance looking rather pale, neither of us
thought ourselves sick, but were not quite well.
At length Dr [Craven?] made his entree, but was
the sole representative of the family - Soon breakfast
was announced, Miss B took a seat at the table
and thinking it a mark of a "good sailor". I
followed the example and took my seat - a
nice piece of toast graced my plate, and a
cup of tea smiled beside my plate, I looked
at them, then at my companions, till they began
to take beef steak - except Miss Baldwin who
suddenly decided that it would suit
her convenience best to retire from the
table. - I watched the motion, and was much
gratified when Miss B. found it prudent
to find her state room, I considered my
self "relieved", and followed suite - Well after
this style time time passed till we found
ourselves at Stono Inlet, here we separated
Dr & wife Lieut & I went on board the 
Monahansett - and steamed up "Stono Inlet"
for "Pawnee" Landing, The remainder of the
party went to call on the Genl commdg
Who had Mrs Lander in charge - 
Upon reaching the dock - Genl Vogdes
came and took me to his tent, I passed
a few hours of intellectual happiness which
I shall always feel grateful for, I consider
the Genl the most learned man in the Dept
his reasoning is clear and good and upon
matters of importance he is not an inferior
man by any means. - at about 2 o clockthe Dr & Wife & Lieut called for me
I lunched with the Genl and we repaired
on board the Monnohanset - 
- then it was thought too late to visit
Morris Island, and the remainder of
the day was thrown away - passed the
night very comfortably and in the 
morning Dec 18th ambulance took us to [N] 
Lighthouse Inlet, we crossed and walked up
to the Sanitary Commission, this was 
the first moment I had felt at home
since I left, I was almost happy inside
these tents. I found the ground all
prepared for my tents, and Mr Day & 
Mr Hoadley in attendace, genial and 
cheerful as ever, Dr Kittenger was reported
ill, and had been declaring that he
would give more to see me than all
the surgeons on the island - he is 
now chief medical officer of the island, how
clear the way seems to me now
to go to Morris Island and be useful
and happy, and if I had not been
so sadly abused, and matters were in
the hands of people of feeling and
sensibility I should not hesitate
Judge [Latter?] was introduced, and I enjoyed a
pleasant conversation. Col Montgomery also
called - Col Elwell & Mr Baldwin
dined with him. Dr Hoadley and I
went to call on Dr Kittenger, found him
better and out, Dr Murray was at
home, they are occupying my old
original tents, the two wall, confiskated
for the "benefit of the hospital", All were
desirous of having me order my tents put
up and remain, I almost wish I might
have done so, Capt Burns came over
and remained a long time, and I think
was anxious to have me arranged at once,
but I could not quite decide to do it
I could not get the ear of the Col. 
and finally, we all started for the Ferry 
crossed, met Capt Dunton and finallycame down to Pawnee Landing and on
board the Monnahansett and while at
dinner Mrs. Lander came on board
to return, finally it was settled that
we [we?] go over to the Dictator a new
boat bound for New Orleans, and we
went to find Genl Gillmore on board
and Mrs Lander coming in a little
boat across the Briny deep - Oh My
well here we all are. I at length have
found a state room and escaped
to supper, wine and company - and have
scribbled these notes thus far; it is proper
perhaps for me to mention that the parties 
all went to Fort Wagner excepting me
I was "afraid" and remained behind to see
my friends, Miss Balding has just been
up and said that Genl Gillmore wished me to
come down, but I have sent my excuses 
and declined. I do not prefer to go &
am more happy to remain alone, to sum
up the whole matter of my trip I should
say that it had been most unsatisfactory
I have not enjoyed a moment of it since
the little time [at the] spent on Morris Island
and am homesick at this instant -
 
Saturday Dec 19th 1863
I said I was homesick last night. &
the morning found me no better - I thought
at first I would remain in bed till we [reached?]
home, as I found by the motion of the Boat 
that we were moving at daylight, but it was
of no use, we attempted to cross the bar &
returned to our wallowing in the mire. - 
I thought I might as well dress. which I 
did, and walked out upon deck, met Lieut
Lowell, and paced up and down a long time
in the wind till at length Mrs Lander
made her appearance looking very frail
she made her way to the pilot house. and soon
I saw the Col. & Miss Balding, Mr B & Mrs
Lander marching to breakfast, Lieut Lowell
took me as an incumbrance and we descended
to the lower deck and found the General just
placing himself at the board, with Mrs. Lander
and Miss Baldwin on either arm, - the Col sat
beside me looking the very ghost of a man
pale, sad and dispirited - discouraged.Breakfast was passed with all the ceremonies
Mrs Lander congratulating the Col. on his good
looks, - thought him much improved since yesterday, 
presumed he had had a good night's
rest "Oh yes" - I ventured in a whisper to
express my want of appreciation of the lady's
judgment in this respect. I could not see
the improved looks indicative of rest & peace.
After going up stairs, - the Col came to me
and expressed himself in quite expressive
terms. - had done some fighting. could not
bear much more, was past being troubled
[Finally it was proposed that the Genl.]
I had by this time, or before decided that
the company was too large - and that I 
should like to lessen it by one, and asked
to be set on shore. Arrangements were made
- when lo! the Genl & Mrs Lander were
going on shore, & Miss Baldwin was invited
to go - the Escort came to take them
of course I would not go then, but
Miss B decided not to go, and I

had no faith in their not returning
and I wished to be away. so I asked 
to be sent to the 'Philadelphia', along side
and was taken by the Nelly Morse on
board  - thus bidding adieu to a company
which I hope was not more weary of me than
I was of them. - Not all of course - but as
a whole, I mean. -- I found Mrs. Dakin
on board. Capt ashore. - I took my hat
off, and was soon at home {Capt. Dunton
called soon, - he is at Lighthouse Inlet.} The
Carpenter was put to work upon a beadstead
for me, - I was still anxious to reach Morris 
Island, but it is so much trouble to get
anywhere, but my relief is so great at being
relieved from uncongenial society that
I do not care much where I am. - 
I wrote to Col Hall, [and sent] to send by messenger, 
but we soon ran up to Pawnee Landing
on some business and I sent it to him
at dusk, in the course of an hour
he and Willy came on board -it was proposed that we ride up on horseback
by moon light but I thought better & remained
but arranged to go over to breakfast with the Col - 
retired at 10 and slept well, Dec 9 at eight I took an
ambulance from Capt  Aspenwall and went to breakfast
Met Lieut D.C. Brown our good Q.M., and Lieut
Newman Asst Prov Marsh. it was arranged that
Col Hall go with me to Morris Id. soon Mr.
Headley & Judge Latter came in, - then a call
from my good friend Genl Vogdes, who in spite
of all his eccentricities holds a high place in my
esteem, and good will, he remained and
entertained us long with a most interesting conversation,
(?? Oscar Sawyer was present) we were 
joined by my old school boy acquaintance Oscar
Sawyer Cor. of the N.Y. Herald, who told me 
much of all our old school mates, and of the 
loss of all Miss Barker's property - and a hundred 
things I was rejoiced to know of as none with the 
exception of the above misfortunes were particularly
disastrous.- finally dinner was announced, and
as the business of the day wore and I got no farther,
I made up my mind in view of all, to return to the 
Philadelphia and await a boat to the Heart -
I have not mentioned my visit to the beautiful
Masonic Chapel near Col Hall's tent which
almost defys description, it is beautiful, composed
of tents or paulins as covering - with fine hay green for
a carpet, rustic chairs. and altar - candlesticks
and seats, of most tasteful construction, trimed with

Palmetto, Magnolia & holly  The structure
is to be dedicated to night to the order of Free Masonry
and church is to be held there tomorrow, - at noon we 
saw the Fulton pass. - finally the day was full of incidents
a horse was saddled with a McClellen saddle for me
but Genl Vogdes had the kindness to send me an
ambulance, with which I went to Stono, and as the
Philadelphia was across the river, I called on Capt - 
Atwood, found him to be one of the old Potomac
Q.M. at Falmouth with the 2nd Division in Dec 
62 - he passed me on to the Phil. when she came
in, and I found my cosy little bed waiting.
Col Hall came down again, and wished me
to come up to church in the morning, I partly
promised. I forgot to mention the great exertion
that was made to get me to sit for a picture
but I was not to be persuaded again, Col Hall
& Lt Newman had their Ambrotypes taken
and gave them to me, also a photograph
of the Col, - well it was soon time to retire
and I found another good nights rest -Dec 20th Sunday 1863[?]
The sun was shining clearly when I rose to hear
that the Ben Deford was lying of the bar, and the Nelly
Moore was going out to her, - soon the Moore returned with the
Genl Comdg - he having doubtless safely dispersed of 
his precious charge, but the Ben Deford returned directly
for the mail, so I was too late, and am glad of it as it has 
saved me an unpleasant encounter, but soon
Mr Such called, he had learned that I was on board
I thought at first - well I don't know what I did think
had happened, but I found that he had come to get
his brother a furlough, he having shot his foot acci-
dentally at Pulaski - I do not know when I shall
get back to my own good pleasant home, and the dear
ones there, I have not been positively unhappy since I
left because I have roughed it too much alone in the
world to allow myself to be over come by low spirits &
weary days - All are kind, but none like these I have left.
I have made an effectual attempt to get rid of unpleasant
companions, probably the fault my own, but I could
not endure so much, with very few honorable ex-
ceptions. I have less regard for this Dept than I
could have supposed possible for me to feel for [????]

military section. Capt Dakin Mrs. D. & myself 
had our dinner served up by ourselves, and about
four o clock Mr Such returned and informed me that
the Monohanset would go in half an hour with
troops - would not be pleasant. Still I would go
of course, made ready & went on board, true there
was a crowd of soldiers, but the Capt. (Cromwel)[???]
resigned his room to me, and I made the
whole trip perfectly comfortably, not sick at all
we landed from a very long, narrow, steep
plank leading up to the end of the pier, and as
I climbed up in the midnight moonlight, 
congratulating myself aloud with "That's all right"
- "Is it?" shouted the possessor of the strong hand
that had been reached down to pull me up - 
and to my astonished eyes there was my faithful
friend Capt. Lamb. - had heard and recognised
the whistle and arose and came to see if
perchance I might be on board, I was soon
beside our own good warm fire at home, all in bed &
asleep, which wise practice I soon followed, leaving
my letters unread till morning -Monday, 21st 1863 Dec.
Before making my appearance below, I heard 
David's voice, and hastening my toilet I went
down, to find him and "Bub", Stephen as I find
he is called now, both looking well, and a big
box, containing the nicest new beaver and
ostrich plume that I ever saw, most a perfect
shape, - It was accompanied by a number of other
smaller gifts all coming thro Annie's hands
 - The hat I was said to have won on a bet. - I 
do not think so, - I found letters from various
friends, which I got time to read and commence
to reply. - The Fulton would leave on the next
morning, and I had much to write in the time
I found among my letters one from Miss Haskel
containing a letter from Mrs. L D Stout written at
the suggestion of the Ladies of Watkins N.Y.
to Bro. Fergusen desiring information in relation 
to my self and whereabouts, The kindly interest of
those stranger ladies is very grateful to me. I 
wrote Bro. Fergusen, and hope to write them soon.
I spent a large portion of the day on assisting
David in unpacking his trunks, and arranging
for him, he brot me a box of Fannie's wedding cake a
box of Autumn leaves with note from Lizzie Larned - goodies
from Vera, - package from Amelia. I am glad to find
me at home and quiet once more - 

Tuesday Dec - 22nd 1863
The Fulton sailed at ten o clock - 
I mailed my letters, and after this I cannot
recollect much that occurred excepting that
I recd a note inviting me to attend a grand
party to be given at head-quarters on the following
night. I had thought much of going to
Beaufort with Mr. Such & Brother, but it was
not thought best to go this day. I unpacked
and set to rights after my trip, among my
letters was one from [Mrs. Ambrose,] Irving
telling me how much he was troubled 
in N.Y. when he attempted to obtain a 
pass, to P.R, - I wrote a note to him with
the view of soothing his feelings as much
as possible, they were rough with him - 
I recd an invitation to pass the 25th
and eat Christmas dinner with Co.
Capt. Dennis, 7th Ct Vols. on St Helena
in company with Capt. Lamb
It is rainy and cold. if the weather
is at all favorable, I shall accept the
invitation. -Look beyond for
next date. - 

Port Royal, South Carolina
December 31st 1863
Messrs Fisk & Goddard Jewellers
Worcester Mass,
Gentlemen
I learn that the 
antique gold watch of my Honered
Father, the Late Capt Stephen Barton
of Oxford has been purchased by you
and I write to desire you, if you still
have it in your possession to retain it
for me If you have disposed of it to
other parties, I could wish, if possible
that you would re-purchase and hold
it, until I can communicate further with
you, - If it has as I fear, already found
its way to the crucible, there is no remedy.

I had not the slightest idea that
my Father's watch was for sale or I
should have produced a purchaser nearer home
Please communicate with meimmediately upon receipt of this
addressing me at Washington D.C.
where I shall probably be by that time

Be so kind as to inform me
what the watch is worth, and I am
willing to become your best purchaser
for it as it cannot possibly possess the
value for any other person that it does
for me.
Hastily but
Most Respectfully
Yours
Clara Barton
Address
Miss Clara Barton
Washington
D.C.

Wednesday, Dec 23rd 1863 [1864]
Clear and cold. Mr. Such came in at
Breakfast time, and asked me to go to Beaufort
with himself and wounded brother (James)
I packed a basket of delicacies, and accompanied
him to the wharf, where we took the 
Tug "Rescue" to go out to the Delaware lying
off, with orders for her to proceed to the
Vermont, take Mr Such on board and
run up to Beaufort, - finally Mr S. thought
best to run direct to the Vt with the Tug
and see if a Navy tug could not be had
in preference to going for the Delaware - 
We did so, and it was at last decided to
take him on board the "Rescue", and go at
once to Beaufort, - In the course of an
hour he was brought on board, pale and
anxious, he showed that he had suffered
and appeared in to much excitement for
a healthy condition with such a wound - 
I should think him liable to a fever
from his appearance. - His woundhaving resulted from the discharge of 
of his gun with the muzzle resting on his
instep is of course a ragged one, but 
his surgeons are attempting to save the
foot, which I should think very doubtful
 - may lose even more, especially if
these indications of nervous excitement
and symptoms of fever continue to
develop themselves, - We were some
two hours running up against the tide
Dr. Smith his surgeon accompanied
him to remain in charge. - The door
was too narrow to take him inside
the pilot house, and he was placed
forward under a paulin, - the wind
was strong and we could not see much of
him on the way. as we landed I went to him, still
that same excited appearance. the trip had
been fearfully "long" to him, he could not sleep
I was the first lady he had spoken to in sixteen months,
He was taken off and we followed him up the 
street to "Mrs. Hale's Hospital," as it is called

He was taken up stairs and made very
comfortable in a large room, which his surgeon
was to occupy with him, Through it all I was pleased
surprised, gratified beyond description to see the
attention which is bestowed upon the sick and
disabled of the Navy, in comparison with the
Army. This seaman received more consideration
and care, than I have seen dealt
out to fifty wounded soldiers.

We left him at about two o clock, and made 
our way home. reaching the dock about sunset - 
This was the night for the grand party given
by the Commanding General, my invitation
had arrived. but I feared there might not
be room for me. and I would 
regret exceedingly to find myself again
in the way of the Genl and his staff. - 
I conclude that to men of their calibre
nothing can be more acceptable than space
and I propose to leave them all in my power - 
.Capt Lamb and David have gone -

At seven oclock Capt & Mrs Dennis cameto call, and invited me to visit their friends 
in Suttlers Row, I went with them, found
his father & mother, brother & wife, all pleasant
people, spent the evening till ten, returned, and
found Capt Lamb waiting in blissful uncertainty
- an oyster roast was proposed, and we made it
which lasted till 1 o clock - I promised to go 
home with them, and 62 veterans of his Co
who had re-enlisted under the new vol, law
Capt & wife were late for the Hunter which was to
take the Beaufort people home from the Ball,
and remained on board the Delaware till morning.

Of the Ball I heard little only that it was
splendid, and every one had the privilege 
of getting gloriously drunk, what proportion 
availed themselves of the opportunity presented
I am not able to say, not having been
present,

I am more than every gratified
at the justice of my decision, - "room"
certainly must be, under such circumstances,
a most desirable object - 
had I known the proclivities of that body
at an earlier date, I should never have
committed the unpardonable error of 
norrowing their bounds, on the field. - 
My mistake came from not understanding their
habits -

Thursday 24th 1863
This has not been an important day. I was 
tired and did not accomplish much - and 
it was a most unpleasant day out. I read
most of the day.

Recd a call from Mr Baldwin,
and Col. Elwell, - the latter remained
some time, was not in very excellent
Spirits, neither was I.Friday Dec. 25th 1863
One more Birth day - Cold and windy
- the sea was too rough to bring a boat up
to the dock with safetySat. Dec. 26. 1863
I have made up my mind surely to go
home by the Fulton, and commenced today
to arrange for the disposal of my stores. I
have some tins in my store house,  - I [unpacked?]
an packed one box, recd some calls. - 

The Arago came over the Bar at night
and was boarded but had to anchor in the 
stream as the Constitution lay discharging
at the dock. - Capt L. went on board and
found Col. Leggett among the passengers
The mails came off and were distributed
I recd a letter from Commr Holloway
guarantying my desk to me while he retained
his present position, and saying that
both of us had been misinformed.

Mr Such recd news that his brother
is not so well, and has gone to Beaufort
Letter from Mrs Gage. Bro Nathan
Brown, - Judson Brown, Irving, Mrs
Ambrose, &c &c which I have commenced
to answer.

Sunday 27 Dec. 1863
Warmer, I read, and wrote in the
early part of the day, in the P.M. the 
Arago came in to the dock, and David
went down and escorted Col Legget
up to the house, - he is looking finely
but still has some chills. he has
his new leg, and walks with his
crutches very gracefully.

He feels very much hurt
that he should have neglected
to write me regularly - and I
think returned the sooner for it for
which I am very sorry, - he had no
need. "Gabriel" is with him and
much improved, has become a 
preacher the Col tells me - 
At dark Col left for the hotel
to return in the morning -Monday 28th 1863
Monday, rainy. the colonel 
came about 11 o clock and remained
to dinner. dined with me upstairs
the Capt, away at Seabrook - 

The colonel has brought me his
picture, a colored photograph, very
natural. and fine. - 

I did little beside chat, all day - 

Tuesday 29th 1863
Another day of social conversation - 
We decided to ride. Col. Capt & I,
but, in the P.M. Col. Elwell
Mr & Mrs Baldwin & Mary Gage
wished us to accompany them, and took
the horse the Col was to ride and
we declined altogether at night
a Boat was to leave for St Augustine
and the Col. went on board - 
- in the evening I had a conversation
with Capt. Lamb - 

Wednesday, 30th 1863
My letters were mailed a 9. am
the Arago sailed at 10. AM, - 
I then commenced to arrange
goods for distribution among
my friends, and as charity
I have a nice little coal store 
in my house, and, packed a 
box of 300 shirts (old) to send
to St Helena (to Columbus Simmonds)
to distribute among the suffers from
Small Pox. - a similar one for
Aunt Betsey Jenkins to use
among the destitute at Mitchelvile
In the PM went to ride with Capt
but was not suited with my horse
rode to the mill, and back -Thursday 31 Dec 1863
I spent my morning as before in
my Store house, packing. Boxes
made a large one for the Worcester
County Men at the Mill as a 
New Years gift. designed it as a 
Store and sick box for resort in
time of need. sent all the pillows
& bedding I had to spare, shirts hose
rags bandages, lint, medicines - 
slippers dressing gowns - dried fruit
&c &c. worked till very late. [C???]
helped me in the evening. it rained
hard.

Hilton Head So. Carolina
Wednesday Dec. 9th 1863.
Mr. Parker
My dear, kind friend.
It would be
impossible for me to tell how many times I have commenced
to write you. sometimes I have put my letter by. because
we were doing so little there was nothing of interest to
communicate, at other times because there was so much I
had not time to tell it, until some greater necessity drew
me away, and my half written letter became "rubbish" &
was destroyed. And now I have but one topic which
is of decided interest to me. and that is so peculiarly so
that I will hasten to speak of it at once. - After almost
a year's absence I am beginning to think about once more
coming home. once more meeting the scores of kind
friends I have been from so long. and the nearer I 
bring this object to my view the brighter it appears - 
The nearer I fancy the meeting, the dearer the faces, and
the kinder the smiles appear to me, and the sweeter
the welcome voices that fall upon my ear. -Not that I have not found good friends
here, - None could have been kinder. I came with
one Brother, loving kind, and considerate, I have
met others here scarcely less so. and those too, with
whom rested the power to make me comfortable and
happy, and I have yet to recall the first instance
in which they have failed to use their utmost endeavors
to render me so, and while a tear of joy glistens in
my eye at the thought of the kind friends I hope so soon
to meet, there will still linger one of regret for the memory
of those I leave.

Eight-months. and two days ago we landed
at the dock in this harbor. - When nations move as 
rapidly as ours moves at present, that is a long time
 - and in it as a nation we have done much, gained
much. and suffered much, still much more remains 
to be done, much more acquired, and I fear much
more suffered. Our brave, and noble old army of
Virginia still marches, and fights, and the glorious
armies of the West still fight and conquer. Our
soldiers still die upon the Battle field, pine in
hospital, and languish in prison. - the wives and
sisters and mothers, still wait, and weep
and hope and toil and pray, and the little
child, fretting at the long drawn days, asks in
tearful impatience. "When will my papa come",?

The first sound which fell upon my
ear in this Department was the thunder of our guns
in Charleston Harbor. and still the proud city sits
like a queen and dictates terms to our army and navy.
Sumpter, the watchdog that lay before her door, 
fell, maimed and bleeding it is true, still there
in defiance in his growl, and death in his bite - 
and pierced and prostrate as he lies with the
tidal waves lapping his wounds, it were worth
our lives, and more than his, to go and take him,
We have captured one Fort. - Gregg. - and one
Charnel-house - Wagner. - and we have built one
cemetery, Morris Island. The thousand little
sand hills that glitter in the pale moon light,
are a thousand headstones, and the restless ocean
waves that roll and break upon the whitened 
beach, sing an eternal requiem to the toil worn
gallant dead who sleep beside.Washington March 29 - 1863,
Tuesday

I find it impossible to narate with any satisfaction
the events of a day on the cramped up
space of a pocket Diary and have abandoned mine
again and resumed my larger sheets as before -- 
This day, which has been one of the most unpleasant
that could be well conceived when nothing fell
from the clouds, and neither thunder lightning
or earthquakes shocked us, but the winds have shaken
and the dust deluged us. -- I decided to devote so
far as I could to the cause and advancement of
my good and tireless friend Capt. Lamb. -- He
desires to obtain an appointment in the Regular
Service, and it would seem of utility both to himself 
and the Government that it be accomplished --
his experience is too ample, and his integrity
to undoubted, to be economically allowed
to leave the service while his physical ability
enables him to remain in it.

With this view of things I proceeded
after commencement of Office hours to call
upon General Rucker, and state the case to[*left-hand page*]
asking his opinion in reference to [bringing?]
the Capt here, as a stepping stone. He at
once coincided, and recommended that
his friends in Congress ask of the Q. M. Genl
that Capt Lamb be relieved from his position at
Port Royal, and ordered to report to Washington -
when once here, He the Genl had a place for
him, he was just the man he wanted. -- I then
proceeded to call on George W McClellan 2nd
Asst. P. M. Genl. -- upon whom I had called some
weeks previous, upon a similar errand, he met
me very cordially. I stated the case to him as
it stood at that moment, and he recommended
that I call at once upon Mr Samuel Hooper
of Boston, who as a member was instrumental
in obtaining Capt Lambs appointment, and
desire him to ask of the P. M. Genl the exchange --
giving me at his own option a very kindly
letter to Mr Hooper. -- I proceeded with this to
the Capital. -- encountering Mr. John Wilson
Capt's friend in the cars. -- and meeting Mr
Brown at the Rotunda, -- who accompanied me
to the Hall, where Mr Hooper was called out
and I presented the matter to him

[*right-hand page*]
He did not desire to act in it at all
was afraid of using up his influence, it
did not belong precisely to his district, and
besides he had not time to go to the Dept
to ask it, had not been to the Dept for a
month, and recommended that the matter
be referred to Henry Wilson, as I suppose
being more at leisure than Mr Hooper -- 
said I should "find Mr Wilson very accessible
and pleasant" -- I did not make
any reply to this consoling assurance, -- but
upon his suggesting that I retake my letter of
introduction and pass it to Mr Ally, I decided
to take it, and bade him good day
I decided to wait before seeing M Ally
 -- The eulogies were being delivered 
in the Senate upon Hon Owen Lovejoy
and we went in to listen. Mr Trumbll
had spoken, he was followed by Hon
M Pomeroy, and Hon Charles Sumner
both of whom spoke with feeling and 
eloquence, upon the close of Mr
Sumner's speech the Senate adjourned
and we returned home. I was not 
satisfied with my days work andyet it was the best I could do - 
I felt as if I had to accomplish pretty
nearly alone all that I did. With the 
exception of Henry Wilson, I cannot
recal a single instance where any person
from my state of Massachusetts has ever
lent me the aid of a straws strength to
help me on in my purpose of attempting
to care for her soldiers. They are all
very ready to say that I have helped 
them, but let me want a little rest for
one of my weary hands that can not quite
pull the load it has undertaken and
reach it out to them, they quick as
thought draw their skirts close about
them, and do not care to become
responsible for any more than they have.
In the evening, it rained in torrents, but
Dr [E????] called. Soon after Mrs Libby
then Henry Hammond and finally
I was not alone until quite late. The
great Ball at the Pat Office was holden
in the midst of all the rain. --
Mr Brown went to Baltimore upon the
invitation of friends whom he had befriended
in obtaining a patent. -- and he went to witness
an experiment with the machine for raising
sunken vessels -- 

Washington March 29 1864
[Tuesday] - Wednesday

This day has presented little of interest
to me. The weather was most unpleasant -
raining and snowing alternately. I did
not attempt to go out, but sat quietly
down to little indoor matters. -- The most
important of which was to over haul all the 
old files of news papers, and clip such
as concerned myself, and arrange it for
a scrap book. I have lost much, of the little
that ever reached me. --
 
After noon Kate came, and upon
going to the office found letters for me from
Capt. Lamb, Col Leggett, and Columbus -- 
The Capt. writes kindly, and wishes me to send
the measure of my little writing desk and
he will have a book case made to match and
fit on the top. - he reaffirms the losses in the 
late Florida disaster to be fully 2,000. -- he
did not receive a letter from me by the
Fulton which surprises me. -- but wishes 
me to look out for something from him forher return on the 27th -- Col Leggett
has tripped in descending the parapet of
the Fort. and disjointed his thumb, which
has prevented him from writing me
-- cannot write much. -- 

Columbus writes hastily, but very
well. will write again --
 
I have replied to both the Capt, and 
the Col. -- and as it is getting late must
retire, after my very quiet day. --
 
Washington March 31st 1864
Thursday

This has been a varied day but on the whole, has
ended more cheerfully than it commenced, at
first I had mistaken it for Wednesday, and of 
course thought I must look up street for the little
matter of fruit I wished from Market - and 
accordingly pushed on up street, taking the Post
Office in my way. -- learned my mistake, but
found me some steel corset fronts, which I have
very much desired, and returned following down
to the Market -- found butter selling at sixty cts
pr pound, returned slowly looking at furniture
on my way. -- picked up my broken jewelry and
Called on Mrs. Libby, who was below in her
husbands store, -- ordered my repairs, staid
till 12 1/2 - and came up stairs a little discouraged -- 
Mr Baldwin did not call as I had
hoped. I heard nothing from Bro. Ferguson -- 
and I could not remove Capt. Lamb
and Leander's promotion was by no means a 
sure thing, -- I felt that if I could only
succeed in reinstating myself in my old
position in the Office I would be willingto withdraw within myself and never attempt
any thing more, so I commenced to look
over old letters for copies, and tried to settle
down and be content. -- Soon [Amelia came
in, then] Mr Ferguson came in -- he had
to report no success in anything he had
attempted with Genl Martindale, but
is by no means willing that I lay off my
armor. -- he wished me to send out my
circular. he would add his name to it
and call in goods. -- but I had no store
house -- finally he desired a note to
Mr Baldwin, which I gave, and he
left. his absence was marked by the
entrance of Amelia -- Mr. Brown
returned from Baltimore, Irving -- 
and Dr Lockwood -- and Mr Ferguson
returned to say that Mr Baldwin met
him most cordially -- and would call
on me in the morning. - after all
had left Mr Wilson came to tell
me that he expected that Leander
would be appointed. he has just gone
and I retire feeling much lighter

Washington D.C. April 1st 1864
Friday

Our succession of rainy days remains nearly
unbroken, the sun struggles through the clouds
at times, but soon relapses into its old obscurity -- 
I rose rather betimes and remembered that I was to
received a call from Mr Baldwin before it should
be time for the "House" to assemble. and making such
preliminary arrangements as I thought proper, I 
awaited him. in the mean time Mr. Brown brought
in my papers. and told me of various arrests which
he had caused to be made in Baltimore of disloyal
parties whom he had observed during his stay at
Barnum's hotel. -- At ten o clock Mr Baldwin came
and we had a long talk in reference to the rottenness
and corruption of certain Depts. -- he was anxious
to do all in his power to bring the hidden affairs to
light. and would go and confer with certain other
parties, and left. I went immediately to the
Post Office and on my return met Mr Upperman
who had my months salary with him, but had
reflected and thought better of calling to deliver it
he feared I was going to rap some one over theknuckles and if I did it would hit him too -- 
I said no one was hurt &c &c, and passed on 
home, called on Amelia. Met Mrs Whelock (Lucretia
Smith) - called on Mr Shaw, recd and replied to a 
letter from Ida. My Port Royal mail does not
arrive. -- The mail from the North being too late
to be distributed tonight, but a letter came from
Bro. Duer, in response to mine to him & Bro
Brown, he is anxious to go to the field, thinks
he is loosing golden opportunities. -- says he is pleased
with my little note of esteem for poor Mr Wells -- 
that their issue will probably be too small for
the call which will be made -- how much I wish
I had the power of pen to move men and women
to wider, deeper thought, and sterner action, power to say
sometimes what I feel, what I know to be true
and just. I sometimes think I might have had
if I had cultivated it more assiduously, but it
seems too late, the great day is here and I need
my power ready grown and ripe even now, I do
not know what a better education, and stricter
guidance in the paths of literature might have
done for me, -- I know it is useless to regret, but

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen
The saddest are these. -- It might have been"

A little later Mr Brown brot me in a letter from
Dr. Brockett, in which he sends me a recipe for Diptheria
which I am going to copy here lest when most needed
the letter should not be at hand --
 
Remedy for Diptheria.
Best [Socotrian?] Aloes powdered, one part, - 
Rock candy, powdered four parts, blown upon the
part affected through a quill or tube and repeated
at intervals of three or four hours, till free secretion takes
place, - 

Tells me that my article on Mr Wells was published
this week in the Baptist, and sends me a copy -- 
That the Pamphlet, "Philanthropic results of the War
in America" was prepared for foreign distribution in
England, France & Germany, at the instance of 
a N.Y. Merchant, 25,000 copies were circulated
in England, and about the same number in France
and Germany, that is is revised and will soon
be published in Book form, that no copies
are for sale now, but he will send me a few that
he has by him, 7 or 8 thousand copies in Book formare subscribed for as a present to the Sanity [Sanitary?]
Fair in New York -- Thinks he shall be in Washington
by week after next -- Received a note from Dr
M. M. Marsh. Beaufort - saying that he is coming
to N. Y. on the 8th April, would like to see me -- 
he comes unexpectedly. I hope he may visit
Washington during his stay. --
 
I have heard little said with
reference to the moving of the army and am
making no preparation for following up
any such move if made -- I do not know
how matters may open to me by and by
but at present all seems closed, perhaps
I lack energy - certain it is I lack a counsellor
always by me. a helping hand. and
a heart and head ready to act in concert
with me. I seems impossible for me to go
forward all alone. I meet so many and
so strong rebuffs to the carrying out of any
good purpose which I attempt. I have
many fears that Leander if appointed
cannot be held to accompany me
but will be thrust into the Dept to act
legitimately and I be left alone as
ever. -- But I shall gain nothing by 
assuming troubles before they arrive
I shall have to take them up soon enough --

Washington, D.C. April 2nd 1864
Saturday Evening

This has completed the week of rain and storm
of one kind and another. it has snowed nearly
all day today, but melted as fast as it fell -- 
I rose in good time as my french neighbor
would say "de bonne heure," and by and by went
for my mail, found a letter from Cousin
Leander, saying that he had not heard from
me for the last two mail steamers which had
arrived at Hilton Head. I am unable to understand
this, as I have never omitted writing once in
eight days, or oftener, I am greatly perplexed
to know what could have happened to my letters,
 - I found also a letter from Col. Elwell, Dated
Elmira N.Y March 31st saying that it was the
first letter he had received since his arrival at
that post. -- that he is informed to his stay is to be
temporary, and that compared with his former duties
it seems "but a drop in the bucket" -- he is "tired" and
wants to rest still longer. - used to think he could sleep
six months if released from his burdens, and does
not know but that is what he is doing now. -- 
I only wonder that he has strength to go on at allI recd. the pamphlets promised by Dr. Brocket
yesterday, five in number, and two papers from
Dr. Brown, both containing articles in which I
was interested. -- I replied to Leanders letter
and wrote David, and finished one commenced
some time since to Mary Gage, - and mailed
with them one written to Ida, which makes 
up the sum of my correspondence for today - 
I have been reading with much interest some
articles in the "Anti Slavery Standard" - especially
George Thompson's Speech delivered
in Springfield Mass. contrasting it with one 
he delivered there ten years ago, when the 
Springfield Republican attempted to incite the
populace to outrage, and murder -- he thinks
the character of the paper remains the same -- 
but the feelings of the populace has [noticeably?]
changed. -- Also I read the contrast
of this year with a year ago, on the progress of a 
year. by Miss Mary Grew. a well written
article, and almost startling in its facts -- 
and the Geneva Gazette on Miss Anna
Dickinson, intended to be the severest thing

that could be written, -- although strongly
written it cannot affect her, he is evidently not
a "Woman's Rights" man, the writer entitles his
article "Gynaekokracy", and describes it as a 
disease which manifests itself in the absurd endeavors
of women to usurp the places, and execute the functions
of the male sex. -- defines it as an evil of ancient date
and frequent recurrence, -- traces it back to the
Amazons, who he says derived their name. from the
custom they followed of burning off the right breast
that they might handle the bow more nimbly.
 -- next he finds them in the age of Pericles at
Athens, a class of women, by no means destitute
of sense, or genius, who are ambitious to mingle in 
the discussions of men, and direct the affairs
of state, -- Then again in the French revolution
it broke out in its most disgusting form. from 
the fish Market, to the Halls of Justice -- 
jostling Senators from their seats in the National
Convention!! even placed at the right
hand of the President!. -- The disease first
broke out in this Country some thirty years ago
about the time of the Asiatic Cholera -- in theperson of Fanny Wright -- an English Woman
a fair representation of the Class, -- who are generally
free thinkers in religion - in politics radical
in Morals doubtful. personally bold and
unblushing in countenance; roving and
restless in their looks. and flippant and
voluble in speech. unfeminine in attire,
bad imitators of men. -- The last development
is Miss Anna Dickinson, of whom accounts are
contradictory. -- said to be young, and recently
turned away from the U S Mint Phil -- 
where she was employed at manual labor
for being saucy to her employers -- and has
since been escorted into the Halls of Congress
placed between the Pres. & the Speaker of the
House, and the assembled wisdom of the
Nation did homage to her --
 
Poor Man, he throws vile aspersions of 
character on Miss Dickinson, taking it for
granted that she cannot be a correct woman
because she dare speak a God given truth
which he feels has been given her and she
cannot, dare not withhold it [longer?]
Women [speak?] he says "in times of great peril" and
why not to be sure.? is not woman perilled alike
with man, shall not her fears be allowed to
be heard. or must she sit calmly down and [????]
without the privilege of shouting once to those
whose efforts alone can save -- 

Washington April 3rd 1964
Sunday

The air was a little clearer this morning the sun was
struggling with the heavy wet clouds when I first looked
out at 7 o clock - I rose and dressed rather
expeditiously, made my room very clean, and I
think orderly, and finally bethought me that it was 
time to go to the P.O. and I had decided to call 
on Miss Haskell, both of which resolutions I carried
into effect. I found Miss H. somewhat better
I think still troubled about her small salary
-- We held a long conversation, and it ended in
an appointment for tomorrow to visit the [Capitol?]
a little after noon -- I reached home at 2 o clock.
Mr Brown came in. I attempted to answer
Col. Elwell's letter but was not in mood and
taking up Wilkie Collins "No Name" I sat
down to the commencement, and completed
the day, until now at 9 1/2. I have just laid 
it down. -- The style is very good, a little
after Dickens Model -- not an imitation, I mean
but I think with the most of novelists of the
present day he writes differently and betterwithall than he would if Dickens had never
written. -- One may improve by a good sample
without imitating it so exclusively as to approach
either parody or plagiarism, The [literary?], or indeed
the world, owes Dickens a debt which can never
be repaid.

Washington April 4th 1864
Monday

This day too has passed with little interruption
and I fear to little purpose. The morning was not
bright. I went to the Post Office, after having kindled
a fire for once in a season, found nothing. came home
and with Wilkie Collins in my hand awaited Miss
Haskell. -- in the meantime a loud knock on my
door, and a letter came over the transome. it was
from Mrs J D Gage, Post Marked Marietta Ohio --
and saying that my two letters were recd and she
had decided to start directly for Washington, when
a few minutes before the writing of her letter, another
came from her soldier son at Vicksburg saying
that he should be in St Louis soon on a furlough
and. this information had thrown Washington all
out of her thoughts, and she should start for St Louis
immediately, but in the mean time had

written Senator Wade, and some other friend
asking a clerkship for Mary.

Miss Haskell came soon, and I went below
and assisted her up the stairs. While conversing
Sally called, as I had my cloak and hat on she
did not stay but called on Amelia, and we went
to the Capitol, we called for Mr Baldwin, he
came, and we spoke of the matters most 
nearly concerning us at some length. -- he is very
anxious to bring that rotten institution to open
justice, by close examination, but fears people
will shrink from testifying, and I think so too
unless the proper course is taken. After a 
time he commenced to understand the proprieties
of commencing as I had pointed
out, -- and had not time to follow out
the idea to its full extent,-- will call &
see me. -- When we left the Capitol it rained
hard. We lunched at one of the side tables
and came home, Miss H went on, I read, &
called on Mrs. Libby in her store, took my jewelry
home with me, ate some oranges but was too sleepy
to write much more tonight. --Washington April 5th 1864
Tuesday

Rained all day just as if it had not rained 
every other day for almost two weeks  --
and I read as steadily in doors as it rained 
out -- am nearly through with "No Name" --
Until 4 o clock P.M. I had no disturbance 
and then a most pleasant one Mr. Brown 
came in to bring me letters from Mary 
Norton, and Julia -- and next to ask me 
to mend a little clothing, and next to present 
me a beautiful Scrap Book designed for 
my own articles. -- It is a very beautiful 
article, and I prize it much -- Then my 
friend Mr. Parker called for a chat, and 
I read to him some two hours --  in order to 
prepare his mind for George Thompsons lecture 
which is to occur tomorrow night -- then a 
Call from Sen [???] --  and next Dr Elliott  -- 
which lasted till just now, and it is almost 
eleven o'clock, and I have set my fire out 
and apparently passed the day to little 
purpose. still I think it has glided 
away very innocently, and with a 
few minutes preperation I shall 
retire, with a greatful heart for the even 
pleasant days which run so smoothly
in my course --
 
Wednesday Washington April 6th 1864

There are signs of clear weather, although it 
is by no means an established fact yet. I laid my 
reading aside, and took up my pen to address a letter 
to Mr. [Wilson?] I wrote at greater length than I had 
expected and occupied quite a portion of the day -- 
The subject woke up the recollection of a train of ills & 
wrongs submitted to and borne so long that I suffered 
intensely in the reproduction of them. but I did reproduce
-- whether to any purpose or not time will reveal. it is 
to be suppose that any decided revolution is to follow 
as this is never to be looked for in my case -- I have 
done expecting it. and done I trust with my efforts 
in behalf of others. I must take the little remnant 
of life, that may remain to me, as my own special 
property, and appropriate it accordingly. -- I had 
asked an appointment as before referred to. I find 
I cannot make the use of it I had desired, and I 
have asked to recall the application. I have said 
I could not afford to make it. -- This was the day 
preceeding the night of Mr. George Thompson's lecture 
in the Hall of Representatives. I went early with 
Mr Brown, we went into the gallery, and tooka front slip, in a side gallery. [and] The house commenced
to fill very rapidly with one of the finest
looking audiences that could be gathered in Washington
-- Conspicuous among them were Mr. Chase -- Gov Sprague
Sen. Wilson, Gov Boutwell & lady. [Speaker [?] Colfax]
Speaker Colefax, Thad. Stevens, and to cap all the
brother of "Old John Brown" came and sat with us. --
at eight the Orator of the evening entered the Hall
in the same group with President Lincoln -- Vice
Pres. Hamlin, Rev M. Pierpont and others whom
I did not recognise. -- Preleminary remarks were
made by Mr Pierpont, -- next followed Mr Hamlin
who introduced Mr Thompson, -- who arose under so
severe emotions, that he could scarce utter a word
it seemed for a time that he would fall before the
audience he had come to address. The contrast was
evidently too great to be contemplated with composure, 
his sensative mind reverted doubtless
to his previous visits to this country. when 
he had seen himself hung and burnt in effigy
 - been mobbed, stoned, and assailed with "filthy
missils, and now he stood, almost deafened
with applause in the Hall of Representatives

of America. -- America "free" from the shackles
of slavery. and to address the President, and great
political heads of the Nation. No wonder he was
overcome, no wonder that the air felt thick, and
his words came feebly up, and his body bent beneath
the weight of the contrast, the glorious consumation
of all he had so earnestly labored and so devoutly
prayed for. -- But by degrees his strength returned,
and the rich melody of his voice
filled every inch of the vast Hall, and delighted
every [ear] loyal, truth loving ear. -- It would
be useless for me to attempt a description of his
address, -- it is so far immortal as to be always
found I trust among the records of the
glorious [????] and [????] of our country's 
supporters. -- His endorsement of the President
was one of the most touching and sublime things
I have ever heard uttered, and the messages
from England to him breathed a spirit of friendship,
which I was not prepared to listen to -- 
Surely we are not to growl at and complain
of England as [????] and hostile when her
working people, deprived of their daily laborand the support of their families through our
difficulties, bid us God Speed, and never to 
yield till our purpose has been accomplished
and congratulates us upon having achieved our
independence in the War of the Revolution -- 
and askes us now to go on and achieve a still
greater independence. -- which shall embrace
the whole civilized world -- surely these words
share a nobler spirit in England than we
had any reason, or [real?] right to expect. -- 
His remarks touching John Brown were
strong. and sitting as I was, watching their immediate 
effect upon the brother at my side
and when a few minutes the band struck up
the familiar air -- dedicated [the] to him the world
over, I truly felt that John Brown's Soul was
Marching on -- and that the mouldering in
the grave was of little account. the brother
evidently felt the same. There was a glistening
of the eye, and a compression of the lip which
Spoke it all, and more -- he was evidently proude
of the gallows rope that hung Old John Brown
"Old Ossawattemie Brown" --

On leaving the Hall Mr Parker joined us, and we all
took a cream at Simmonds and returned, and I
made good my escape to my room. -- 

Thursday
Washington April 7th 1864

The weather has absolutely "cleared" the
Port, and we are left a quiet harbor at last
the sun rose beautifully, and I rose too. -- 
I completed my letter with few interruptions and 
went with it to the Senate at 2 1/2, sending it in
I went to the galleries and saw it delivered and
read with a number of interuptions, and finally
deposited in the side pocket of the coat. -- 
I then left. -- returning by way of the observatory -- 
made a little purchase on my way. and returned 
to my room. to complete my volume -- while
reading late, say eleven o clock a quick nap
over[????] me, and the receiver of my note came 
in. -- he evidently felt perplexed and a little
worried. he had delayed the appointment --
[wished?] to know if I objected to it -- in any
other grounds than there named - wished to
know if something could not be done to
make my situation better, wished to
know if I had need of money -- 
I explained the position of the Office to
him and exhorted him as a friend of
his country to try to remedy theshameful evils existing there. -- his call
was short, but earnest, and he left
soon leaving me to finish reading my volume
of 'No Name", which I have done. written
up my journal thus far, and now close --
----------------------------

Friday Washington April 8th 1864

A warm spring like day. I had not
rested an hour all night, my nerves are pretty much
strung. I wrote a letter to M Wilson and
as usual saw it delivered and read and deposited
in the same side pocket. -- with its 
predecessor of yesterday. -- I returned, took supper -- 
and made up my mind to go to Annapolis
in the morning. invited Mr Brown to accompany
me, copied letters, - &c. Mrs Vassall called
this morning. and Kate came to tell me that
at length she and May, had been to the War Dept 
and told the whole truth about Lewis. And [very?]
singular they knew it before. she was delighted 
to know that I had preceeded her -- I have prepared 
gum for my scraps. it is 10 o clock --
 
Saturday Washington April 9th 1864

Did not wake until 10' to 6. called Mr Brown and
dressed is quickly as possible, and walked to the depot,
but as we were nearly there the short whistle sounded and
the train moved out. It was nearly raining, we hesitated
but finally decided to ride over to the Congressional Buryal
Ground, and taking the first car, filled with workmen
going to the Navy Yard, we rode as far as practical. and walked
across the fields to the honored enclosure, before entering our
ears were ravished with the melody of birds, more bewitching
than can be described. We entered through the gates at the
house and wound our way down the paths, both old 
and new, for the fresh soil and the light-yellow mounds
every where reminded us that it was by no means an unfrequented
spot, and that only too fearful a number of its
visitors "went no whither" again. -- The epidemics of the
past winter have done a wholesale work. --
 
We sat down on the step of Wm Wirt's monument and
partook of the little breakfast we had brought, and rose &
roamed still on, -- the myrtle was in full bloom, and 
the daffodils were coming out. I gathered some, and
also took from a tree some runners of ivy and
wrapping them in a paper we turned our steps towardhome, reaching just before the rain. My
letters by the "Arago", from P.R. came meantime, and
while arranging my flowers, Kate & May came. Kate got
earth and set my ivy in jars, dressed my room, and
made me very comfortable. - I perused my letters, [found?]
that Dr. Marsh had come, - I clipped some papers &
commenced my new Scrap Book the gift of my ever
thoughtful friend Mr Brown, put in all I had at the
time, but did not reply to my letters,

Sunday Washington April 10th 1864

I rose betimes, and made ready to write. - 
answered Capt, Lev. David, Dr. Marsh at N.Y. - Col Leggett,
I mailed my own letters and the day had few 
changes, -- Letter from Viree

Monday Washington April 11th 1864

The day seems scarcely clear enough to go
to Annapolis - Recd a letter from Mrs Andrew Copp - 
Mr Shaw is ill and claims or recs some of my
attention

Copy of letter written April 7th 64
as alluded to in the pages previously - 

Hon Henry Wilson
My dear friend - You gave me
permission to write you, and I shall avail myself
of the privilege. - not that I have anything to write
that I might not speak as well. - Not to affect
formality, but simply to save you the time and
weariness of listening to me. I can send this note where
I could not come to speak. I shall say nothing that
will require a reply. It relates chiefly to business.

I asked you to have my friend and cousin Mr.
Poor appointed in the service, and I now ask you not to.
This appears "fickle as a woman" I admit, but you
will recollect that I only asked it, that I might have
the benefit of his personal attendance at the field
or wherever I might need it. I have used all the
little means in my power, to gain this end, and it
is impossible: his appointment will therefore be valueless
to me. - And although highly deserving and competent,
and possessing my fullest confidence and 
kindest wishes, there are not sufficient reasons
why I should incur the liability of having asked
his appointment. He has not the slightestknowledge of having been proposed for the position
and therefore cannot be disappointed by the change
and so far from my having any past obligations to
cancel, he would tell you that he owes it to me that
his bones are not whitening under the tides of the
Chesapeake, and later, that he enjoys the lucrative
position that he does today. I mention all this to 
show that my request wrongs no one, -- I only
speak because I cannot afford to have it 
otherwise. -- Do you open your eyes in astonishment at
what I have to afford in the matter. That is
best know to me perhaps, but certain it is that
I must never -- out of consideration to my own feelings)
lay myself under further obligations in any quarter
for the mere purpose of benefitting my personal friends
and relatives, -- It is safe to say that one half my
natural life is past, and in all probability, a third of
the remaining half, and 7/10 of all my time, labor &
strength both mental and physical has been
expended upon the above named class, + + +

My brother's appointment to go no farther
back, and for which I was so grateful I could not
speak my thanks, you very naturally suppose

would benefit me by lightening my cares, -- not
materially -- Although glad, and justly proud of an
unsought appointment, he held me responsible for placing
him in a position entirely new to him, and his family held
me responsible for his personal safety in a deadly climate
and insisted upon my accompanying him. -- Although my
brother, he was not my Q.M., and I had no control over
his location. -- I left all and went with him, smoothed
every rough path for him, he walked on the roses. and
I trampled the thorns the whole year, -- never detailed an
hour to accompany me. Carefully housed and made comfortable
with lightened duties, at Hilton Head, while
I went alone, to do my work, unprotected, forty miles away
with the shelterless sands of Morris Island for my bed,
My food the mouldiest, wormiest crackers I had ever
seen an army insulted with. -- My drink, the tide
water that leached through the loose sands of the little
island fast becoming a crowded cemetery. -- My
shade from a scorching August sun, the friendly
clouds that scud between us. My light at night, 
the Moon, a dying camp fire, and the long glowing
trail of fire that followed the deadly track of the enemies
shell that hissed, and shrieked and burst above us,My employment, Ah! that is the only bright
spot, God be praised that he selected my hands
to perform that labor. -- And so unprotected was
I the while, so at the mercy of the selfish, that when
at length my own tents came, and I had them fitted up
and made a little comfortable, a worthless, ipains saving
greedy surgeon, (and my cheek burns while I writes it)
from Massachusetts, by mere accident of rank in temporary
charge of the island, too indolent to provide comfortable
quarters for himself -- got a Q.M. to receipt for mine and
took them from me, leaving me again at the mercy
of the elements, which, together with my incessent toil
in a short time brought me with acute disease, within
twenty four hours of my grave. -- And under God, I owe
it to Col. Elwell, that the morning sun did not
light up my dead face along with the ghastly soldiers
brought out for burial -- I write all this, not
for effect, -- not for vanity -- Oh no, not that, but simply
to show you of how little use is a friend in the 
service, unless I can command his services myself -- 

+ + + + + + + + + +

And now a little farther I must show you 
why I cannot afford to incur farther liabilities for my
friends. And I am going to revert to my official position, 
not by way of complaint -- not to ask anyone
to attempt to set it right, that I do not look for at this
late day. -- but simply to show that I am too helpless
to afford any thing that is not directly for myself
or those more helpless if possible than I am.

Pardon me my dear friend for [intruding?] so
trifling a matter, I must do so as it will have its
bearing upon the future. --


Steadily as I have borne the weight of my hand
against the wants and sufferings of others all these years
it is still to be confessed that my own sole pecuniary 
dependence lies wrapped in the little derided, robbed and insulted
salary, the mutilated remnant of a once noble gift
of a still nobler friend; In its original magnitude
it was ample, I almost thought it princely, and I tried
to deserve, as well as earn it, but scarcely was I settled
in it, and had commenced the plan of a life of study,
when it was wrenched from me by sordid villains, (And
the same still lord it over me today) -- because I was
they said a Republican, and not a good Southern
Buchanan democrat. -- It was true, and I had to retire
and leave my position to them, and they held back
from me -- stole -- $380, of undrawn salary -- 
Six years ago it would have been hard to make
people believe that good Democrats, holding high
official position would steal, today the charge might
not seem so heretical, All that I could endure
bravely, it was from my enemies, but I must confess
that when the Government changed hands, and theparty came into power that I had been dismissed
and pillaged for ranking among, it did
mortify and disappoint me, that they should not
restore me to my position, upon a faithful representation
of the facts, -- but never a step. -- my name was simply
allowed on a negative list, of temporary writers, not
with the stipulation that I should receive $50. per
month, but with a protest against my receiving any
more than that. -- I have never for a month received
it. My actual income is about $25, per month
and the only way in which I can make it so
large as that, is by allowing the      -- one
of the very men who helped to raise the cry of Black
Republican at my heels, to do my writing at one half
the proceeds, making it for his interest to make
my Bill up to the maximum. 50, dollars and
there is no redress, If I were today to recall my
writing to my own hand, thus depriving him of 
his privilege to make his share off me -- I
should be informed at the end of the mo.
that there had been a sudden falling off of
writing, and in less than three months my
Bills would fall below $20, and this is all


I receive. You have only to cast about you upon
the prices of the present day -- + + + + +

If I had any selfish motive in asking the 
appointment, of a trusty friend, to accompany me to the
field, it was that I might so extend my observations
as to make a readable volume, for other eyes -- 
Alone, in constant danger from rank and buffoonery
and selfishness, I cannot accomplish it, and I have
only to give it up, and school my patience to endure
and I will do it. -- Now having shown you
without shadow of concealment my perfectly
insolvent condition. you will at once comprehend
why I cannot afford to incur liability
by asking favors, gratuitously for my friends
with no return in view, Please do not misunderstand
me. this is not a complaining 
letter. it is a tax upon you I know to read
it all, but I promised not to repeat
it. and now do me this last favor,
withdraw the name proposed, destroy this
letter, forgive me for writing it, and 
forget it. -- 
+ + +W - 
Copy of a letter written
on the following day - April 8th 1864

Another letter! Well you are partly to -
blame, I warned you in my last against
taking any further notice of me. you did 
not heed my warning and here's the
consequence, -- Last evening you asked
me a civil, kindly, sensible question, and
like a spoiled child, I looked down, winked
fast, bit my nails, drumed with my foot
on the floor and would'nt answer, -- today
I am ashamed of it. if it would extenuate
the fault at all, I could offer the excuse [that]
of my not having slept for some forty hours previous
but as I have not subsequently, there is no very
reasonable hope of improvement.

You asked me what I intended or desired 
to do, I thank you kindly for your solicitude.
You shall have my original plan, which it
cuts me to the heart to find myself compelled to
abandon. -- 

The coming Campaign is to be active
[sanguining?] and final -- I wanted to be in it -- I
wanted my cousin, whom I could trust implisitely
to accompany me, with a rank that would
secure me against buffoonery and command
such facilities as would effectuate my labor
and increase my usefulness --

 
With this rank and position he would 
be able . to secure or errect for me, or us, a 
Headquarters in this city, to contain my supplies
which I am holding back from all quarters
of the north, at present, from my inability to
store them, This accomplished, I would
call Mrs E. M Rich, a life long friend of 
mine, and the most competent and lady-like 
business woman I ever knew, to come
and take charge of my storehouse -- she is
ready to come, Next, I should need a 
pass, from the Secty of War, to permit
me within the limits of the Union lines -- 
And this is all, with these points fully 
secured, and permanently established
I will find employment, satisfactory
to myself, serviceable to my county and
beneficial to Mankind -- Then if in my
rounds I see anything worth relating
I will note it down for future use -- This
was all I desired to bring before you -- If I
have claims of a more personel or pecuniary
character, their adjustments properly belongs to my Rep
in Congress, to who I should refer them & not to you --Tuesday
April 12th 1864 --

Mr Shaw is still quite ill. and we
divide the care between as as well as we can. he is
so fearful that he shall make trouble, that it is 
difficult to decide what to do, I went to consult
with Amelia, when I heard a rap. And in opening
the door, there stood Dr. Marsh, from Port Royal --
 
We returned to my room, and an hour was spent
in exchanging the current news of the day, and the
Departments, In reference to the Florida affair
(Olustee) he confirms all my previous opinions,
deliberately formed from a knowledge of the parties.
I find that no credence is to be given to the official
statement that Genl Semour acted without
orders. and that Genl Turner was dispatched
through storm and tide to stay a forward
movement, but that the forward movement
was actually made while Genl Gillmur
was at Jacksonville himself, that he saw
knew of, and directed it, with the palpable
view of claiming the honor of a victory, or
shirking the disgrace of a defeat, as the case
might prove -- It happened to be the latterand he was most conveniently made to be
at Hilton Head, superintending a patriotic
festival in honor of George Washington, the
Father of his Country - This and much more
I promised to visit Prof. Henry and congress
with him the following day. -- he called in the 
evening -- I also from him confirmed my
fears, that all my letters of the 15. march went
astray -- or, as I believe were stolen from the 
office. he came up in company with Col Hall
& Mr Baldwin, and neither had received anything
from me, -- and I knew Leander did not - so
I am convinced that the whole lot were taken
from the office, or between here and N.Y.

He has had some trouble in reference to Transportation
since Col. Elwell left -- the Brig Mystic
the sanitary ship -- had been withdrawn per order
to reduce the expenses of the Dept -- The Dr had
not asked for its restoration but made some remarks
which rendered it very agreeable to certain parties
to have it done  -- The "Cosmopolitan", Hospital
steamer had brought but two loads of wounded
men from Florida, but was used as a pleasure
yacht for officers, under the special direction 
of the Med. Director -- I look for a change
in the Med Dept and in fact, all through. --

Wednesday April 13th 1864 --

Mr Shaw is pretty sick -- gave him a 
"pack" this morning. and remained by him
till noon. [Mrs.?] Vassall called. We put some
drafts on his feet which were very effective. -- 
Dr Marsh called in the P.M. had been too much
occupied to make his visits. And Congress
was not in session, having adjourned in
consequence of the death of Hon John C Reeves, of
the "Globe" -- I cannot recall much that
I accomplished during the day. excepting nursing
and receiving a few calls --
 
I am thinking very busily about the result
of the Investigation into the Florida Matter -- 
Is Genl Semour to be sacrificed, when 
so many hundred people, and they men
know it to be all based on falshood and 
wrong -- is there no manly justice in the 
world -- Is there not one among them all 
that dares risk the little of military station
he may possess to come out and speak the 
truth, and do the right -- Oh pity! -- 
Oh Lord what is man that thou art mindful of him) --Thursday - April 14th 1864 --

This was one of the most down spirited
days that ever comes to me. All the world appeared
selfish and treacherous. I can get no hold
on a good noble sentiment any where -- I have 
scanned over and over the whole Moral horizon
and it is all dark -- the night clouds seem
to have shut down -- So stagnant, so dead -- 
so selfish, -- so calculating, -- Is there no right?
[is] are there no consequences attending wrong, -- how
shall the world move on in all this weight of dead
morbid meanness -- Shall lies prevail for 
ever more -- look at the state of things both
Civil and military that [?????] our Government --
The pompus air with which little dishonest 
pimps lord it over their betters. Contractors
ruining the nation, and oppressing the poor
and no one rebukes them, See a monkey
faced official not twenty rods from me
oppressing and degrading poor women who
come up to his stall to feed their children -- 
that he may steal with better grace and 
show to the Government how much his


economy saves it each month -- Poor
blind Government never feels inside his
pockets, pouching with ill gotten gain
heavy with sin -- his whole dept. know it
-- but it might not be quite wise for them to
speak -- they will tell it freely enough -- but
will not were not affirm it  -- Cowards! Congress
knows it -- but so one can see that it will
make votes for him at home by meddling
with it -- so it is winked at -- The Cabinet
know it but people that live in Glass 
houses must not throw stones -- so it
rests -- and the women [live?] lighter, and
sink lower. God help them. And next
an ambitious dishonest Genl lays a 
political plot, to be executed with human
life -- He is to create a senator, some
Memberships -- [a?] Governor -- [Commissions?]
And all the various offices of a state -- 
And the grateful recipients are to [repay?]
the former, by gaining for him his confirmation
as Major Genl so the poor
rank and file are marched out to dothe job -- a leader is selected known to
be brave to rashness if need be, and [at]
given the command in the dark that he
may never be able to claim any portion of
the glory -- So that he can not say I did it -- 
Doomed, and he knows it -- he is sent on -- 
remonstrates. comes back and explains -- 
[is] is left alone with the responsibility on his
shoulders. forces derided, animals [st?????]
men suffering, enemy massing in front
and still there he is -- suddenly he is attacked
defeated as he expected he must be -- 
And the world is shocked by the tales of
his rashness, and [proceedure?] contrary to
orders -- he cannot speak -- he is a 
subordinate office and must remain silent 
-- the thousands with him know it, but they
must not speak -- Congress does not know
it -- and refuses to be informed -- and the doomed
one is condemned -- and the guilty one askes 
for his reward -- and the admiring world
claims it for him. he has had a battle
and only lost 2000, men and gained
nothing. surely this deserved something
And still the world moves on. No wonder


it looks dark, though, to those who do not
wear the tinsel. -- And so my day has been
weary with these thoughts, and my heart heavy
and I cannot raise it -- I doubt the justice
of almost all I see. -- Evening --
 
At eight Mr Wilson called -- I asked him
if the Investigation was closed - he replied yes - 
and that Gen Seamour would leave the Dept in
disgrace. This was too much for my fretted
soul -- and I poured out the vials of my 
indignation in no stinted measure -- I told
him the facts, and what I thought of a committee
that was too imbecile to listen to the truth when it
was presented to them, that they had made
themselves a laughing stock for even the privates
in the service by their stupendous inactivity
and gullibility -- that they were all a set of 
dupes, not to say knaves -- for I know
[????] of N. Y. had been on using all his
blarney with them that was possible to wipe
over them, -- When I had freed my mind -- 
and it was some time -- he looked amazed
and called for a written statement. I promised
it -- he left -- I was anxious to [possess?] myselfof the most reliable facts in existence
and decide to go to NY and see Col
Hall, & Dr Marsh again. Make my 
toilet ready, write some letters, and at
three o clock retired.

              April 15th 1864
Friday

Little rested, I rose early as usual
and commenced preparation for leaving on  the 11
o clock train, went to breakfast with Mr Brown
-- then walked to Mr Tufts, to get soldiers ticket of
Irving -- which I did, and which he would not accept 
any pay for, $5.60, and return at the same --
we passed an early hour in the Smithsonian
grounds, and I returned and made ready --
Kate came, I thought I might be late and
hastened, took a hack at 100 on the corner 
of 7th & [Avenue?], reached in time, nothing
of note occurred, till [??]


                                 25th April --
My dear friend

I could have wept at the disappointment of
not being able to see you alone a moment, but as I arranged
neither call, I could not control them.

I have been thinking deeply, and I believe, candidly, 
of your remarks, I see that you disapprove, what I have done, and
seek to do. It all seems worse than useless to you, & I cannot
coment that you take upon yourself the burden, of presenting that
request, -- The Secty will oppose it sternly, and perhaps sharply, --
and you could have no confidence, no "heart" with which to meet his
objections. -- After all your kind acts, I have neither the right,
or desire to ask this, -- I know how worthless a woman's life is,
and what a pity it is to wear one, -- few persons ever felt this
more keenly, or bitterly than I -- few, more ready than I, for
years, to resign the useless bauble -- I have striven, (against 
the fearful odds) to make my life worth something to mankind,
but realize that it has been, and must be, a failure, I am
ready to call it so, ad I will stop where I am. I
know that others can do better, -- I will leave it to them,
I did not know that you had been called upon excepting
by myself. -- I did not intend to trouble you. I was earnestin what I had previously written, Do not ask anything 
for me, I will remain quiet where I am. --

I thank you for the appointment of Mr. Poor,
if you did not yield a preference -- it is well, -- no truer
man could have been selected, -- the Dept. can
assign him as usual, (if he accepts) and he will honor
his appointment. --
                        Respectfully




Sunday May 1st 1864 --

I have seen brighter May day Mornings
but scarcely a softer one. Mild, warm, and genial, --
As usual, I rose early, while the house was very
quiet, and commenced my toilet, very promptly --
I had evidently been thinking much during the night -- 
but it was not easy to recall what had been the precise
nature of my reflections, although from the specific
opacity of what is usually denominated the heart
I suspect it could not have been a thousand miles
from the Army of the Potomac. I wonder the heart of
the Nation does not sink. -- After dressing & making
some changes, I went to the Office to find no letters. --
but returned and wrote Leander -- what I suppose
to be the last letter I am to send him at P.R. -- Among
My other reflections, I have decided to ask that he be
assigned to Genl Rucker if agreeable to the Genl --
I think I will see and ask him tomorrow, this
May do as well as to have him assigned wholly
to me. I will see how satisfactory I can make
it appear. Next I took up Mrs. Gages letter
to answer. I have not done it very well I fearCopy of a portion of letter to Mrs Gage

My dear Mrs Gage --

It is sunday I know, but can it
be wrong for me to write you on Sunday? "Did 
we not eat Blackberries & cream on Sunday"
Did we not pick flowers on the borders of "Chivalry"
on Sunday"? and did we not, on the clearest sabbath Morning God ever let shine on a wicked
world listen to the terrible thunder of the booming
guns, roaring, rolling belching, and [peeling?] 
Freedom to the world?. Charleston no doubt
thought it very wrong -- but you and I fancied
we could discern a gleam of right and a 
ray of forgiveness in the act, so, ever leniently 
we judge ourselves, and our own acts, so, I, this, --
T'is mine. Tis May again, May Morning
-- One year ago. I came to visit you -- it seems
but yesterday that I walked with you through
 that sea of bloom and fragrance, every where
surrounding you, -- through this, and over
the fields, and out to the sea of waters -- Can
you not see the little dugout rolling up
and the waiting steamer [lying?] off
and the fishing net, and the Arago

Away over at the dock -- And can you not hear
the Mocking birds? Why of course you can. --
And this was a year ago! And one is expected 
to live only a few such years in a life
time. Ah, only a few of any kind of years --
how few like that. -- And this opens with all
its changes -- if better know not -- I 
hope so, -- You are now in the war stricken
West, which hopes it has done its hardest
fighting, struck its heaviest blows for
"Freedom, and the right." I hope so too --
but -- here am I. Once more, and as ever
and it almost seems to me forever,
looking a great Soul shaking battle
full in the face, -- its blood red banners 
wave over our gates, -- its lurid eyes 
gleam at me, and its hot approaching
breath almost scorches my cheeks --
Even as I write the low notes of the
drum are sounding down the street.
and the heavy tread of armed men
falls upon my ear. - One more regiment
marches to "The front" -- and so it hasbeen for weeks. first a regiment, then
a brigade, next a corps -- Great Heavens!
What is at "the front"? Only one day last
week five miles of Burnside's men marched
through our city -- for it has come that man
has no longer an individual existance.
but is counted in thousands, and measured 
in miles -- I followed them to Alexandria -- 
where like the wandering tribes of old
they rested in the valley a day -- and I saw 
and spoke, and bade good bye -- and even 
while we spoke and gazed with tearful eyes
at the sinking sun, a dust covered courier
dashed up with the order. "Move to the 
front, at day break -- and again like the
Arab they have folded their tents and fled
away "gone to the front!" that great malstrom 
where men go in and down, but
never come up and out. --

What of the Campaign?
you ask -- Dont ask me! I am holding my
breath in awe at the vastness of the shadow
that floats like a pall above our heads,
What numbers! What concentration! Can
the earth hold up under the shock that is to
come? -- Can the Heavens look on and

rend not? Can God behold and smite
not? -- Ay, but he is smiting. -- and this
is his terrible retribution! Is this war never
to end, till for every African Slave that
ever dragged his chain an Angl Saxon
shall have suffered? Shall it blight
till we take up his old "shout", and chant
with him, "Oh Lord remember me?" --

Four hundred thousand men, just
out on these fields beyond me, to march and
counter march, and meet and fight like
so many wild beasts. and fall and die
and be buried among the bleaching bones
of twice their number. -- And yet on these
very fields has the wrong been festered
and done, Oh what a terribly thing is God's
retribution! -- Pardon me for dwelling
so long on only the effects. It is because
I have been so much among them that
the coming scenes paint themselves more
vividly on [??] my imagination. Having seen
and known, I cannot shut my senses
they will perceive even in advance of the reality [?]
"Who am I going to vote for?" Why I
thought for President Lincoln to be sure, I
have been voting for him for the last three
years. I thought him honest, and true, and I
believe that he sought the right with all his
power, and would do it as fast as he saw it
clearly, and I still think so, I believe his
advisers could be improved. If it is true
that someone else would do better, could see 
clearer, and act more promptly and as honestly
of course I must yield my predelections. --

Like yourself, I want the best man --
I see a strong tide setting in for Freemont
I know he has a great weight. -- It is true, he 
did see more clearly than Mr Lincoln the 
great drift of this war, and to what it tended
and did proclaim it, and did suffer for 
it. -- If the Presidency is to be his reward I  
must not complain, I honor Mr Lincoln
and I have believed, and still do, that his election
was ordained, that he was raised up to meet
this crisis, but it may also be that no one
man could be constituted who should be


equal to both the beginning and ending of this
vast, this mighty change. -- the same mind
that could guide safely in the outset may
be too slow now, for war has had it effects
upon us, and our temper as a people,
wiped out our conservativeism and touched
us with the fire of the old nations, we have
grown enthusiastic, and shout loud and
long, where once we should have looked on
in silence. -- I have said from the first
that I believe this whole thing was directly in 
the hands of Providence, and that so it would
continue, and that if we had need of
our present Ruler, whom I have always
contended was appointed, and not 
elected) -- that if we had further need of him
we should have him, but if the times demand 
a change to keep pace with their
change, we shall have it. -- I shall not
borrow a moments trouble in relation
to this matter, and shall be perfectly satisfied
in either event. -- I can trust either President 
Lincoln, a General Freemont -- orsome accounts a change would be
well, I think it would root out the
traitors. more effectually, it is like killing
out the weeds and roots in a piece of garden
land, the oftener the plough is put through
the fewer will remain -- the accession
of Mr. Lincoln uprooted a host, -- but 
another change would sift them closer
still. On this account I should hail it
but still Abraham Lincoln's care worn 
face is very dear to me. so you see
that personally, I am at a stand but
politically, not a bit -- Vote! Why
I shall vote for the regular Union
Republican Candidate, we must
have but one of any strength
and that, be he who he may has my
vote. -- + + + + 
Clara Barton

While writing my friend Mr. Ferguson
came in, he has just returned from a 
visit to his home --. brought news from my
old friends at Watkins, and I promised to
write them, and i must -- he is active as
ever, and I enjoy his calls exceedingly --.
After he left I went to my supper at


Mrs Streeters; attended to my little prisoner
the gold fish -- that I wish most heartily was 
in the bottom of the Potomac, and I think I 
will yet place him there. it is impossible for
me to keep him comfortable, with all the
care I can take, he is constantly chewing
bubbles, at the top of the globe -- and turning
pale about the mouth, and gasping -- and
floating head up and tail down, and then
 in his best estate he is not over intelligent.
and on the whole I conclude I am not fond
of pets -- I mean helpless, senseless pets. --
I have just turned to see how all this slander
effected the poor finny little fellow but he 
is lying remarkably comfortable on the very 
bottom of his globe. I conclude he must
be a philosopher. My evening I have spent
alone, and now at 12-20-  I will close
my long days journal and retire --Monday -         May 2nd 1864 --

I scarce know how I rose this morning 
my first knowledge of myself was, that I was considerably 
more than half cheered -- but I remember
that I was thinking pretty deeply of how many
days it might be before a battle should
commence, -- and I was trying to draw some
conclusions, -- and scarcely noticed that the
Morning was as clear as a piece of crystal
but so it was. -- Dora called to see me --
Mr B. came and took my letter to Mrs
Gage to the office -- and Miss Hashell
came. She seems a little better and Mrs.
Morrell has returned to live with her
which I am very glad to know -- I gave
her some articles that I thought might 
benefit her more than any one else --
And then I decided to go to the A Genls
office and enquire for Genl Semour --
circumstances determined me to call as
M. True's. and here was a sight -- too
<s>send</s> sadden the lightest heart. -- he is evidently
near his end. in great distress, wept much.


On my return I called at the War dept
and found that Genl Seamour was supposed
to be in N.Y, had not been in Washington --
I hope I may hear something in relation
to him before many days -- I came home
and wrote some hours on my journal --
bringing up arears -- went out and was caught
in a fearful storm of dust. The rain approach
ing -- I just cleared it as down it came --
Mrs. Hunt sent Benny for flannel
she has returned and has rheumetism
has been at Annapolis -- About dusk
hearing footsteps announced visitors, and
Mr. Ferguson, and Major J. M. Ward Cady
the scout so often taken, and so soon
released -- were at my door. They passed
the evening till 8 1/2  -- I resumed my
journal -- Lf. C---

Senator Wilson's son has been
Commissioned today as a 1st Lieut in a
colored regiment -- 17 1/2 years old --
I am more and more discouraged at any
effort that I may be able to make I think
 I shall do little. --Tuesday May 3rd 1864.

Clear, and cold, and the face of
Nature looks clearer and better for the
washing. It is now 10 oclock and I have
literally accomplished nothing today, not
that I did not desire to, but there is over
me a spirit of unrest, that will not let
me do what I seek to, and yet will not
allow me to remain quiet. Nothing of
note has occurred. The papers this morning
gave details of the great meeting and organization
of the "ladies Covenant" -- pledging to wear
nothing during the war of foreign import --
discountenances dress. I did not attend.
it did not seem to me, that it pertained to
me, in the least, when all the ladies of the 
country have cut themselves off from so many
luxuries for the sake of this war as I have.
I will engage in any move to reduce
still lower, not that I am not ready now
but the proposition is not yet up - with my
constant practice. This must get beyond
needing approval, before it will
reach me, when they get down to bread and
water, I will listen to them. as it is let them
retrench it -- will do them good -- but the same

standard to which they will reduce themselves, 
would be an increase of expenses.
-- downright extravagances to me. I have
no time to join in dress festival. I hope it
may prove real and measurably beneficial
and I think it may -- .

I called on Miss Dame, she had gone
to Fort Monroe -- saw Mrs. Marden, she
thought the hospitals in the Dept of the South were
in good condition, but that it was very hard
for a lady to do anything in that Dept
since the Administration of Mrs. Lander --
Mrs L. appears to have done up all the
Nursing necessary for the army in the
few months she labored -- A very effective
lady, truly -- Mrs. Vassall called. Mrs.
Robert Smith called this morning. Mrs
Bernard Vassall. Miss Dora Brown --
Mrs. Libby, Sam and Amelia spent the
evening. Mr. Brown in once or twice --
I wrote Annie and Willis Childs -- I ought
to have mentioned that I found it necessary to
wash and clean my entire room thismorning after the dust storm of
yesterday. - My paper was taken
again this morning and Mr. Doe
made a box and put up behind the
outer door, to receive it in -- It was
so cold that I thought I required a fire
but had no kindlings. and Sam
brought me some, and I have prepared
my pile, but wait a little to be better
convinced of the necessity. it is just
chilly and disagreeable, - and still it
is preferable to hot weather. It seems
to me that it will be a relief to me when
Leander comes. but I do not know as
it will make any difference. I have
not much hope or faith. only in the
one certain event -- that happeneth to us
all. that I trust will set matters right 
I am not grateful enough for the
great blessings I have bestowed
upon me. I know it and if I
could, I would correct the evil -
I am not good enough. I know it -

Wednesday May 4th 1864
This morning gave us a little more
genial spring like greeting. so much so that I 
did not light my ready built fire, but between
a shawl, and some moving about, I kept me
comfortable, till the sun looked in at my windows
and all was right. I went early to the P.O. and
found letters from Cousin Leander & Mr.
Conrey, of Brooklyn. -- Cousin Len does not
know of his appointment, and it really
seems that the mails will never go through
Ten days, since he had heard from me --
Mr Duffield wished me to aid him in obtaining
a situation in the N.Y. custom house -- desires me 
to call and ask Mr. Chase, for a letter to Collector
Barney. Dear me.! What requests.! What a
childish world, how little we know the real cost
of the fulfilment of our vague wishes.
Later in the day a letter came from Loraine
-- she is not well, writes pleasantly, wishes some
thing from me to forward to King Victor
Immanuel of Italy. I commenced to reply
to her and must I suppose comply with herrequest- I did some sewing, for a wonder
- put a postillion on my purple merino dress -
quite a success, -- Bernard and Fannie called
at evening, spent a short time, and I remained
alone thoughtful and dull as usual. --

I know pretty nearly that the army of 
the Potomac is in motion, although no rumor
to that effect is out, all seems quiet as the grave
but still I think I know it must be so. 
We cannot remain long as we are, and it seems
to me that I feel the influence of a battle over me.
I am depressed, and feel dissatisfied with myself
as if I were not doing today what I ought to be
doing. Still I supposed I am, or I should be
somewhere else;

At 4-45 I received a telegram from 4
N.Y. and I replied by letter to Steamer F.
I also wrote Leander again - I thought I
had not time to write David, but I suppose
I had if I had set about it. - however
he hears from home often and does not
care for my letters, especially now that he intends
to resign, his thoughts will all tend homeward.

Thursday May 5th 1864 -- Washington

Having from some cause not well
known to myself rested very little, I rose early,
not refreshed, but cold and languid. My mind would
not sleep. I think perhaps it might have been
performing a March -- like everything else, of
a soldierly character "Gone to the Front." After a
hasty toilet, and some domestic arrangements
I went to the P.O. to find a number of the Baptist
Merely, but little news. Indeed the Chronicle
had little, if we except, the European, war. the
Germans have carried the fortifications of
Duppel, and the Danes, after a hard struggle,
have been compelled to retire. -- The works
which were very strong were carried by siege
and storm. Garabaldi has returned
to Caprera. Public rumor says in accordance
with the wishes of the great
kingdoms, who were fearful of the popular
furor  every where thrust upon him --
and the consequent excitement. I do
not credit it at all. I believe his healthrequired rest. Mr. Brown and Dora came
 in. She is quite lonely. I ought not to allow
 it but I am no company for others and
 but little for myself. I went to my breakfast, 
returned and intended to bring up my 
neglected correspondence which haunts
 me, but as usual a succession of long
 calls, interrupted, among others, Miss 
Haskell. Who is not as well as usual and 
desired me to become one of the administrators
 of her will, which she proposes to make 
and desired me to name a second. I tried
 to decline, but saw that it was going to distress
 her if I did, and consented and named 
Bro. Ferguson, this settled the matter
 and she left. In the afternoon, Mrs. 
Marden of the N Hampshire Relief rooms
 called. She had been at Port Royal while
 I was and returned in Feb she is 
regularly mustered in nurse of the 
2 N.H. Regiment - and is at present with Mrs. 
Dame. Mrs. D. is still at Fort Monroe.
 There are strong rumors of a battle it 
is said that our forces have crossed the
 Rapidan. Communication is more than ever
 obstructed, we hear nothing. At evening 
Irving called he is much better than before
 his illness, thinks his attacks benefit him. 
I answered (and mailed my letter to) Loraine
 I did not retire early but was too tired to
 bring up even this poor little page and
 now at 11 o'clock. 6th close it - and reopen
 upon another day's record.    
Friday May 6th, 1864
This appeared to be one of the mornings 
which a kind Father creates to gladden
 his erring faultfing children. I had decided
 to keep closed doors and answer
 every letter I had but after finishing the closing
 up of my door leading into the adjoining south
 room making my toilet, caring for my
fish, poor little fellow! sweeping and dusting
&c  Mr. Brown and Dora came and invited
 me out to breakfast we walked through 
the upper market and down 9th street.to Mrs. Streeter's where we partook a most
 excellently cooked breakfast. Called around
 to the Union League Rooms, and visited the
 new bath rooms on E. st. just round the 
corner from me, a luxury I was not
 prepared to recognize so near me, and
 so reasonable, and at the corner of our street
 Mr Brown bade us good morning and 
we returned to our rooms. - I have looked
 over the Chronicle, and find to my great 
grief the evacuation of Washington N.C.
 by order of Genl Butler, the abandonment of 
our stores, and the great distress of the hundreds
 of Union Families residing within the former 
jurisdiction, - and what is worst, it would
 appear that a very inconsiderable force of the
 enemy remained. The heavy numbers 
having been withdrawn to Va. - The fear 
of the rebel Rams must have influenced
 the decision, I think.

 Misses Wade and 
Gouch. have returned from their tour of
inspection of the Massacre of Fort Pillow
Their testimony more than confirms the [pre]
previous descriptions which have reached us
 
terrible beyond comparison with anything
in civilized life - wounded men held up and
shot, children murdered as by [scrazes?], men
nailed to planks and set on fire, hospitals
burned, women butchered, not, - in the heat of
battle but after a surrender and after a nights 
sleep. - rose again in the morning and resumed
the work of slaughter as coolly as a butcher 
rises, and goes about his accustomed avocation.

Has our love all died out have its altars 
Grown cold,
Has the curse come at last which our fathers
Foretold?
Then Nature must teach us the strength
of the chain
That her petulant children would
sever in vain. --

They may fight till the buzzards are gorged
 with their spoil --
'Till the harvest grows black as it rots in
 the soil --Till the wolves and the catamounts troop
from their caves,
And the shark tracks the pirate the lord
of the waves --

In vain is the strife, when its fury is past
Their fortunes must flow in one channel at last.
As the torrents that rush from the mountains of snow
Roll, mingled in peace thru the valleys below,

Our Union is river, lake ocean and sky,
Man breaks not the medal, when God cuts
the die --
Though darkened with sulphur, though
cloven with steal
The blue arch will brighten the waters
will heal --

If only our men everywhere can be
so kept, and taught and restrained, or
that no retaliation in kind shall ever
practiced, if indeed we have ever again
an opportunity, as at present would seem doubtful.

Foreign papers continue to declare the departure
of Garibaldi compulsory. That
the Conference had to be adjourned. The Emperor
would not come while Garibaldi is in England.
The Austrian Ambassador will not enter the
Conference while Garibaldi is here stirring up
sympathy for Venice. Russia will not 
sit at the table while Garibaldi is making
speeches to Poles, and Prussia will give 
it a wide berth, while he is here telling the
Danes he is ready to volunteer in the
service of Denmark --

Genl Grant was born in Clermont
Co. Ohio, Apr. 28. 1822. --

The day waxed intensely hot. Miss
Vassall came and desired me to go out with
her to make some purchases for Irving. I went,
and after various wanderings, we went in at Carters
and I purchased myself two silk dresses, at what
would be esteemed very low prices in these
days. And as I considered far more economical
than the common summer goods of the season
Seventeen yds each one at $1.00 pr ya'dand one at $.75 cts less than $30 for 
the two. Chambrays and alpacas are more.

The reports are to the effect that the army 
are in battle, but no one knows.

Recd a letter from Dr Marsh saying
that the Fulton would sail on Friday am -
that himself & Col Holl had both been detained
all this time. regretted that he could not have
returned to Washington. Mr. Brown invited
me to accompany him and Dora to Odd Fellows
Hall. to hear the Hutchengsers, who are the guests
of Mr. Alley. Their concert was good, met Mr.
Alley and family. I am pleased with Mrs Alley.
After my return I attempted to write but was
too tired, and gave it up. The night was warm
it is truly coming summer.

Saturday May, 7th 1864
Every promise of a hot day when it
first stepped in with its mantle of gray — I did
not sleep very soundly I think, or at least I
woke very early. The papers contain little or
no intelligence. Every one supposes that the army
is in motion and fighting but no one professes 
to know. Our army under Genl Grant seems
like “that bourne from whence no traveller returns”
My “Standard” came today, clear and decided

as ever. contains very full accounts of the 
Massacre at Fort Pillow. while writing
Dora wished me to go out with her, and at the 
door encountered the two Mrs. Vassalls and we
went on together. I called at Carters, and
singularly enough I took another silk
dress, at much the same rates - May
not keep it. think I can return it if I desire
to. On my way home I went to dine
with Mr Brown & Dora, and commenced to learn
that the reports of Battles were true. I went direct 
to Genl Rucker, found him sitting on the doorstep 
of his office; he was certain that no one
knew much of what was going on, that we
were as well posted as any one. - that he had
been at the War Dept. and was convinced that the
Sect. did not know the recent results. I asked
him if he would accept Leander if he were
assigned to him. he replied “yes, certainly"
[that] if I chose it he would, and station
him here in the city as long as he remained
and loan me the use of him as I needed.
There is no end to his goodness.He thinks it probable that the wounded 
will be cared for at the field, from the fact 
that a good many hundred hospital 
tents have been ordered, and he holds them
in readiness, and that they have sent up to 
know if they are ready.  He is certain that 
no pass can be gotten yet - thinks he would 
wait a little before asking - I walked home 
past the San. Com. rooms, and just as I 
came up, I saw Mayor Fay pass out in 
company with some other gentlemen, 
he did not appeer to recognize me.

After my return, Sen Wilson called to ask 
me about my passes, he spoke more fully 
of the Battles, said that the first days [doings?] 
(ie. Thursday) was very successful for us - that 
since that no return had been gained, 
no one knew anything later. - the battle was 
sharp - that Genl. Hays of Pa. was killed 
that the 18.                          Mass. Regiments suffered 
very severely - he took my application 
to the Secty of War and said he would see 
what he could do with it --

Sunday  Washington May 8th - 1864 -Collection
The Papers of Clara Barton
Container 2