BLACKWELL FAMILY

Henry B. Blackwell

Diary, 1845-46DIary of Henry B. Blackwell
April 28, 1845 - Oct. 4, 1846-1-
My Own Dedication of this my journal to Myself
Cincinnati April 28th 1845
Monday Afternoon 4 oclock Office
Corner 3d & Main
Friend Harry
Most Potent, Grave, & Rev'd Seignor
Years have passed rapidly away, since first I 
attempted to write down a daily record of my outward life & progress. 
You were then a boy & now alas your age almost entitles you to 
the name of a Man, but hitherto your many attempts have all 
failed, simply from want of a steady resolve.  At length 
more & more convinced daily how useful & interesting such a 
memorial of the irrevokable Past would be to you, I make 
this new / & on the most accurate calculation the 151st / effort.
If I persist, I know that in after life - this Book will be more 
precious than any other I possess--more pregnant of meaning 
to me than "Carlyle" -- more interesting & full of excitement than
Salathiel -- more sacred than Bible or Shaster.  To day I see 
myself young, active, full of health & hopes so unutterably 
bright & beautiful that they mock at language & refuse embodiment 
in words - tomorrow I shall view myself grave, toil-worn 
& anxious - with more care & less of buoyant spirit to sustain it - again 
a little while & I shall be a nothing -- my body resolved into its 
original atoms -- not a fibre nor a bone left & my soul -- if I have 
one -- will have lost its identity in its union with that great, 
mysterious, beautiful Spirit of the Universe, which we see only in 
it's manifestations & which like everything else in this singular 
existence of our's is a profound enigma if indeed it be not a 
mad, lunatic hubbug & hideous chaos of fearful darkness & frantic 
laughter of Devils. Truly a goodly and a comfortable creed 
Master Harry but better far better than these damnable creeds 
the world Professes to believe in and a thousand times better than 
the stupid, swinish insensibility in which the world about me 
eats, drinks, sleeps & dies. And so my self farewell -- next 
May will see you 20 -- if you ever see next May.2
Monday April 28th 1845 -- After spending yesterday, a rainy 
Sunday, at our house on Walnut Hills in lounging, talking to Madame LeFedre who was visiting us on 
her way to New Orleans & reading "The Amber Witch" & the "Wondrous Tale of Alroy" --/ the former an excellent imitation of 
the Antique with which Strauss & the German Rationalists have
been most irrationally confounded by the author -- the latter 
a glowing, imaginative story of great interest by D'Israeli. I 
went to bed early & rose this morning at 1/4 before 5, called Ellen
got Diamond & Mr. Ferris' horse ready & she & I set off for a 
ride -- At the entrance of the lane we quarreled as to the road we
should take - I proposed Clifton Farm / poor Rebecca D.'s favorite
ride last Summer / Ellen however, afraid of the  steep bank
we had to descend would not consent - it was cut short by 
her saddle slipping, so I regirthed it & we went out towards
Montgomery but it threatened rain, we were not in the best 
of humors & poor E. was stiff from her first attempt this 
summer, of Saturday Morning - When we entered the Gate
however it looked like clearing up & seeing Katy Vale at 
her window, I called to her to come down & accompany me
which she did - we had a very pleasant ride - as far as the 
turning off of Campmeeting road & then turned back - Diamonds 
cough still continues - Rode in to Office at 12 oclock walked 
down with Mad L. F. to boat & took leave of her - left 
the Office at 1/2 past 5 & rode out home - After supper, walked in & 
spent the evening at the Guilford's - found Mrs. G., Appoline & Jeanie
 in also a Mr. Lloyd had a fine time - a delightful talk with both
the girls & afterwards with Anna who came in, escorted by Charles E. 
to the door - Appoline & I amongst other things compared notes on mad &
lantern-jawed men, riding, philanthropy & heaven only knows what
else -understood that George is reported to be sick - don't believe 
it but must investigate it - News arrived to-day of such strong 
language being used in parliament by Sir Robert Peel & Lord 
J. Russell in relation to the Oregon question that it is feared, war 
may be the result - I cannot believe however that such will be 
the case - after spending my evening as mentioned - during which
by the way Mr. Wm Greene /who stopped in for a few minutes / entertained
me with a small lecture on wines and a detail of his own
exploits in the smoking & chewing line at one period of his life. I
called for Sam at the Office & by mutual agreement walked out together.


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Tuesday April 29th 1845 -- I woke this morning at 1/4 before 5, but
as Ellen could not take a ride & I was
unusually somniferous after my late walk up last eve'ng - I did not 
get up till 6 - Sam & I then took a canter down the lane, which
looked most lovely & green this beautiful Summer morn'g & returned 
to breakfast - after which I went into town - I rode out about
5 & called at Presby Kemper's for the mare that Ellen was to try & took
it to the house, but she declined trying it and as it was one of the 
most miserable little specimens of the Rosinante branch of the Hippine
family I ever had the ill-luck to set my eyes on, it did not grieve 
me much, though of course, it occasioned a great war of words as
usual -  Really I have a most abominable temper for a clever fellow!
I think it is time I broke myself of snarling & snapping like 
a dyspeptic cur-dog - I intend to quit it without further delay - as 
Mother used to ask us to do when children - I will shake the 
Monkey off my back - After supper Howard & I put the horses 
into pasture & went over to the Seminary to see Mr. Chandler but 
did not find him in - On our return Elizabeth & I sung together 
& I then sat down to finish "the Wondrous Tale of Alroy & retired 
to bed in a very fierce &  melodramatic humor thereby produced - 
What an uncomfortable vacancy the mind is conscious 
of after concluding an interesting story -  Just in proportion to 
the delight it has produced, is the reaction that follows - It reminds
of the small Hell one feels, the morning after a drinking
party.
Wednesday April 30th 1845
This morning Ellen called me at 5 - We eat a breakfast 
"entre nous" & then took a very pleasant though by no means 
frosty ride - as usual amongst the beautiful shady bye-roads of Campmeeting Creek - My visit to the G's the night before last, has
furnished as usual pleasant thoughts ever since. What a most bewildering girl is that "bright particular star"- If ever I get strong
in health again I really must try the perilous task of attempting
to cut out Ed Foote in that Quarter -  Left the Office about 5
& rode out to tea - After supper Elizabeth & I strolled out into 
the garden to see if we could make up a nosegay for Kate G. as it 
was my intention to go in to spend the evening at the Greene's - which 
accordingly I did tho: my bouquet contained only a sweet scented flower
2 Scotch roses & a sprig of sweet briar - We rejected Honey Suckle &  
yellow roses as being vulgar to the great disgust of Ellen & 
Marian - I found the Greene's gone out to see the great picture4
of "Christ healing the Sick" which is now exhibiting at the 
Unitarian Church so I left my aristocratic little bunch of 
Prettys in the keeping of the Dutch servant girl & fled in desperation 
to make a call at Ryland's as a matter of duty entirely 
of course. Spent a sleepy evening but highly enjoyed Mr. 
Hogue's song of "10 oclock" & had a pleasant talk with James 
& Carry - both of whom I like. Carry accused me of being out 
of spirits and not looking so well as formerly. Of course it is 
so for how the Ddl can a poor fellow suffer the torture & 
anxiety I have had to endure for the last 6 months without showing 
it. I bear up under it very well considering all things I 
know, but I wonder where in heaven's name this disease will 
end. I declare I feel doubts at times whether I ever recover - 
if I do - I shall not be likely ever to experience such 
a living death again. Rode out home late - didn't get to 
bed till past 12.

Thursday May 1st 1845
In consequence of my late hours did not wake till 1/2 past 
6 & took no ride before breakfast. I made up my mind 
to consult Dr. Muzzey. On reaching the Office found a 
very welcome letter from Anna. She & Emily well. I am glad 
to hear so pleasant an a/c of my old friend Lucy Crane. 
A cloudy day for which I am sorry on account of the Children 
but fortunately the Clerk of the Weather though in rather gloomy 
humor does not throw any cold water on the hopes of the young people tho: he seem half inclined to do so. Sam & I made up a project this morning that if we got out in sufficient time, we would make up a party from home, to take a drive down Campmeeting Creek & eat cake in honor of May Day, but we were detained too late to put our plan in execution. This afternoon I went to consult Dr. Mussy & put myself under his charge - sang with Elizabeth in the evening & went to bed early.
Friday May 2d 1845
I Rose pretty early this morning & went out to the pasture to catch Diamond intending to take a ride with Ellen, but that very respectable animal manifested such indisposition to permit it, that after employing every artifice without avail for an hour & a half, I was compelled to return home without him & lost my breakfast into the bargain. Calling in at Mr. Wheeler's hard ware store this morning, he informed me that Dr. Killough has a fine piece of property for 
5
sale beyond him. Sam and I have for some time past had a notion if we could find a few acres commanding a fine view of the river, for sale low on easy terms, that we would purchase it, both as a means of compelling ourselves to economize & as a spot on which to establish a home in the old English sense of the word as quickly as possible. We might pay along from our salaries - plant out trees at little or no expense, & build to suit ourselves so soon as we get into business & can get the rhino. Mr. Perkins moves out to his new house to-day. I hope he will like it. I expect he will find it exceedingly healthy & inconvenient. After I left the office this afternoon I called on Dr. Killough & had a talk with him as to his land. It appears that he owns 27 acres of which he will either sell all or a part. The fine position for building is on a peices of 16 acres. Afterwards I called for West & we rode out home. Elizabeth wanted me to drive her & Mrs. Stowe over to Dr. Mussey's, but Mrs. S. not having come up from Town. West & I rode on to the land I think of purchasing. It was almost dark when we arrived & too late to go over it - but it's situation is charming & although the distance is rather too great to be desirable, I shall ride over & look at it in the morning. West & I made an appointment to go over & investigate it further on Sunday Morn'g as he will not have time before. The owner asks 150 Dolls an acre, but I think would sell the whole at 100. If I could induce West to take a part I would go the balance. We returned home late & after supper retired immediately to bed in consequence of the somnambulic feelings of friend W. - although some of the "hill Folk" were at home & there was some acting charades - my favorite game - on hand.
Saturday May 2d 1845
Woke this morning at 1/4 before 5. West & I swapped horses that Ellen might see how she liked "a pacer" & he then rode straight into town having business on hand. E. & I started about 1/2 past 5 & took a delightful ride - past over contemplated purchase of course. At first she declared "she should die" she couldn't bear it" "she must turn back" & so on but soon got accustomed to the motion put her horse to its greatest speed & confessed "it was much easier than a trot." We saw a piece of land belonging to Longworth that both Ellen & I prefer to Dr. K's - though that is called the finer - Longworth asks $200 an acre for6
his _ Returned in time for breakfast / mirabile dicta / & afterwards
I rode in to the office _ Saw George D. today at the door of
the Store _ he had not been sick _ but has shaved off his most
astonishing Goat & I hardly knew him so complete was the
transformation _ After leaving Office rode out home but returned
to town after Supper & rolled ten pins till half past 9 _ Called for
West at the Mill & we rode out together _
Sunday May 4th 1845
This morning is my 20th birthday _ West & I woke early, but
whilst we were dressing it commenced raining so we did not go
out till half past 10 _ We then rode over to the property but on
the whole came to the conclusion that it would be too far
from the Turnpike & would require too much expense to make
a beautiful place of it _ West proposed however if we could find
a pleasant hill in Kentucky today a tract of land & I think
the idea a good one _ The medicine Dr M. had prescribed me
has as yet done me no good at all _ I must go to see him
tomorrow _ In the afternoon we came into town & West & I had
a walk in Kentucky. We were perfectly astonished at the beauty
of the scenery & the magnificence of the views on the hills opposite
the foot of 5th Street both Bullocks & the ones behind it - indeed
so much were we struck with their eligibility as building sites _
that we purpose going to see the owner /Mr Israel Ludlow/ &
ascertain the particulars to morrow afternoon. Eat a supper of
water crackers at the Office & spent the evening at Mr. Vaughan's
to see & have a talk with Hannah & Charlotte _ the former of whom I met on Saturday walking with her sister Mary _ Rode out
home, as usual quite late & did not get to bed till 11 _
Monday May 5/45
Got up rather late _ just in time for breakfast, but too late
to take a ride _ Elizabeth read me a beautiful letter to Dr.
Cox which she has written, consulting him as to studying
Medicine _ Came into town to office & afterwards went over
with West to see Mr. Ludlow _ We did so & the result was
an engagement to come over the next day & ride over the
property.
Tuesday May 6th 1845
Nothing particular occurred till afternoon when Sam, West & my
self went over & rode round the ridge with Mr. Ludlow _ The 
result is a firm determination on my part & a strong disposition
on Sam's to secure it at his price $250 an acre _

This evening Sam & I broached the subject to Mother & afterwards
to sisters & an arrangement was made that
tomorrow afternoon they should go over & take a
look at it _
Wednesday May 7th 1845
An unprecedented amount of business having prevented my
having any leisure at all during the whole balance of the war
I write from memory and of course my details must be few_
On Wednesday afternoon according to appointment I met our
folks at West's mill, but being detained till 6 o'clock at
Office & Marian's courage failing her at the idea of crossing
the river in a skiff, with a strong windy blowing,
they concluded not to go over & postponed doing so. On
Friday afternoon I went over to see Mr. Ludlow & took
tea there _ We pretty much came to an agreement as to terms etc. _ $400 down & 300 a year for the remainder. He
engaged to  have the contemplated road from the ferry, laid
out & the land surveyed on Sat & that I should have
the plat on Monday, for which I am to call at West's
mill _
Monday May 11th 1845
A beautiful day _ George came out & 6 & as usual on such
occasions caught me in bed. We took a very pleasant ride
the principal incident of which was our first & successful
attempt to jump our horses over a fence _ Got into town in
time to get into the gallery just before the close of the morning's
sermon _ Walked home with Appoline, took dinner at Mr.
Donaldson's _ George & I then walked down to Store. He Shopt[?]
& I read Gothen till half after 4 _ We then walked up to 
the Guilford's intending to try to seduce the young ladies into a
walk in Kentucky but found a friend of theirs /Miss
Aniel[?] of Washington D C Short visit at their house. Had
some fine music & then took a short walk. George & Jeanie
of course Ed Foote & Anna not of course, but Ap. took a
notion not to go to my great disgust So I & Miss
A. made a pair & talked inanity together for half an
hour. She sings finely but does not interest me at all. She
appears one of the people who are without a soul _ Coming
back stopped in for a few minutes at Mrs Parkhurst's
_ After sitting awhile _ Geo & I went up to his house to tea.
8
previous to leaving Mr G's for this purpose - I had been talking
to Jeanie who seemed very much vexed & excited & amused herself 
by sparring with me at a pretty severe rate - After tea I stopped 
& went with the girls to Church /Geo was accompanying his 
Aunt & Cousins/ - Katy G. sent me down stairs for fans & 
like a fool I shut the gallery door & locked myself out so I
had to go in the other side under the auspices of Tom Pierce 
We had a most glorious sermon from Mr Giles - the 
finest it has ever been my good - fortune to hear & afterwards 
I spent the evening delightfully at the G's - Geo. dropped in & 
I went down with him to sleep - We had music from Katy, 
singing from Miss A. & I had a tète a tète with A. - I must 
look out or I shall really fall in love in that quarter in 
spite of myself - 1st because I couldnt get her - 2nd because 
every one else does the same & 3d because it would break
friend Ned's heart - The first however is the great objection.
I had a talk with poor Jeannie which puzzled me immensely -
I don't know what to make of her, but begin
to fear that she indulges certain sentiments for Geo.; which
I hope to God is not the case - I feel it my duty to speak to
him on the subject & put him on his guard - I fancy that
she is not entirely indifferent to him but of that I shall see
more anew - Ap. is not going up to Galena - I don't know whether
to be glad or sorry - The idea that her so doing would induce
her to learn to ride on horseback almost reconciled me to her departure -
Sam is trying to find some one to advance him $1000 -
If he can succeed he will rent West's Canal Mill & go into
business with Denning & I hope he will succeed for it is a
golden opportunity which will not occur again -
Monday May 12th 1845
Rode out home to breakfast & came in again to office by
1/2 past 7 - Sam applied today to Mr. D_n_ldson - who gave
him very kind advice & attention, but said he could not
loan him the needful - having a great deal locked up in
real estate &c - It struck me this afternoon that Mr
Lyle might advance it if he would & I suggested it to
Sam as soon as I left the Office - Mr. Ludlow did not send
over the plat of the land to West's mill as he agreed to do -
I made my supper in the office on water crackers & then 


9
walked down to Mr. Greene's with Elizabeth's copy of Schiller's
Robbers which Kate asked me to bring her, last Sunday -
I had intended & fully made my mind to escort that interesting
young female to Mr. Giles' lecture on Falstaff -
but to my supreme indignation she was not very well
& could not go - So I escorted Miss Jessie Donaldson, whom
I met there & after lecture was joined by Sam & George &
walked home with Miss Mary D., after which Sam & I travelled
along to the hills which we reached about 11 - Late
as it was however Sammy roused my ire /not daring to
follow his example/ by turning in & eating a most
enormous, ungodly & truly fearful quantity of dry bread
- washing it down by the contents of a large gallon jug
of milk ( minus 1 tumbler full which I abstracted with
some difficulty for my own private use - The lecture
was glorious & the commencement - being a dissertation on
fat men in general was excessively rich - I though Mr.
Greene who sat right behind me would have shaken down
his own & the adjoining pews by his delightful & irrisistable
bursts or rather streams / for it was continuous/ of laughter -
And Mr. Howe too - he sat by my side & his face was
a perfect study as that queer fascinating little man uttered
his queer fascinating drolleries - But when the lecturer discribed
Falstaff, his spendid powers & their abuse & thereon
proceeded to give his view of the epicurian philosophy he
became really eloquent & his discription of the death of
the Fat Knight was full of the most genuine pathos -
Altogether the lecture did more than give me pleasure - it
did me good -  Tuesday May 13th 1845
Rode in to the Office in good time - & afterwards in the
afternoon went over to see Ludlow - The road was all surveyed
off & I was more delighted than ever - But on my
way home, riding through the City with West, I found to my
great grief that either Sam would have to give up this good
chance of going into business or I must come to his assistance
& of course give up my darling Ky project - It was a severe
struggle for a few minutes, but I soon made up my mind as
to the path which both wisdom & duty prompted - so gulping
down my aerial visions of "love & a cottage" with —
at some fu[r]ture time on that splendid eyrie - I told10
West I would meet him & go over to Ludlow's to throw 
the whole thing up to-morrow afternoon - I felt quite 
relieved again when I had made up my mind however, & 
if I am ever so fortunate as to get it, good health & 
a sufficiency to live on - damn the Kentucky Hills -  
So in the language of Shakespeare - "Throw Kentucky to 
the dogs! I'll none of it!!! -
July 15th 1845
Here we are - two months having elapsed since our last
entry - once more scribbling away - & heartily ashamed of having
so long neglected it - Since I last wrote the scene has 
changed considerably - Elizabeth has gone to Asheville -
& Sam & Howy who drove her down returned about a
week ago - Anna has written on for Ellen to come to
Flushing at the end of the vacation - Cary Ellis has already 
done so - Mr. Giles rather "let-down" to use a vulgar
expression - at least I grew tired of him though some of his
subsequent letters were pretty good - Jeannie returned to
Galena about six weeks ago carrying in her train Mrs G, her
mother, brother, sister & Mrs Parkhurst - They seem to have
had a pleasant excursion & Mrs G. & the Parkhursts' will return 
in a few days - Frank got back also a few days
after they left & his health seems quite restored - I always
thought he was attached to & I fancied engaged to Anna
G. but last Sunday as he, George & I were taking a ride
before breakfast, he began to run me on my admiration of
Sp. in a rather peculiar way & George afterwards like
a true friend, let me into the reason which greatly surprized 
me & very unwelcomely too - I knew a long time ago
- perhaps 12 months since - that he was smitten in that 
quarter, but fancied as I think George did too that he
had seen how diametrically opposite to each other they were
& had transferred his homage to the elder & much more
suitable one - What a change by the way - has taken place
in my feelings towards the younger - I have made up my
mind & settled my purpose - I will not lose her if trying
can avoid it - I have earnestly & fully made up my
mind that the passion with which she has inspired me is
one which requires only sympathy to make it as lasting &
true an one as ever was kindled in a human breast -

11
And though it is looking high & tho: it be almost too
much to hope that one so unworthy will ever be the
husband of A.G.- yet by the living God I will not
yield to such competitors as F.G. or even poor Ned F -
I am only stimulated by last Sunday's discovery to resolve
on losing no time & as soon as I dare, learning my
fate from the only being in the world who satisfies me
heart & realizes my ideal - Last Friday evening - I drove
out Kate G. Lotty B. & Ap. G. to our house - After supper
Kate G, Ap. & myself took a most delightful walk down
the lane & at the end of it - George D. suddenly rose up
from behind a log - The young man took Kate off
& went before - Ap. & I. for the 1st time took a 
walk alone together - I may live 100 years - if the Devil
spares me so long, but never shall I forget that little
short walk - There was nothing said of any importance,
nothing that will bear writing down - she doubtless has already 
forgotten it - but I was in a perfect state of intoxication - 
it was rapture to walk by her side, to gaze
on her singular, beautiful face, to watch her every gesture
& motion - When we got back home we met Marian &
Lotty who upbraided us with our long absense ( It seemed
to me about 5 minutes) & as we stood talking outside the
gate Charles Elliot & Ned Foote drove past - Of course we
hailed them & they stopped - In a moment a notion
came into our heads - In jumped Ap. & Kate, Ch. E
drove, Ned & I. jumped into the box behind - I shouted
"I'm afloat" & off we went - We had a beautiful drive in
the moonlight & after our return, the rest took a turn - Then
we walked & talked & sang till about 1/2 past 10 - Lotty
remained - Ch. E & N.F. drove off & George & I took the
other girls into town & then returned - Since then - I have been
to G's once - on Sunday Night & of course had a delightful
time - was introduced to Mrs. Flashman - the lady Ap. was
with at Washington & who met Anna last year at St. Ann's -
On the evening of the 14th I took a ride on          July 17th 1845
horseback with Kate Vale - We stopped in at Perkins a moment
to enquire whether Lotty Bartlett had gone into town & somewhat
to my surprize found her still there - They were all at Supper12
- I rode up to the window upon which she & Charles Elliot
came out & we had a few minutes chat - As we left, Charley
asked me to come over, the next evening as they were expecting 
"the girls" up - Next day the 16th however, I met Mr. Perkins 
in town - he stated that they would not come up on a/c of
the rain, which threatened to fall from some very black
clouds & did make good the threat too, tho; only for an hour 
or two at mid-day - I rode over however, that afternoon &
spent a delightful evening - I found Mr & Mrs Mitchell & Mr
Prescott there - in the parlour, - Mrs Perkins told me that
Lotty & Fanny Goodman were down at the Spring - I met them 
& Fanny's little Sister Emma just on the point of riding 
over to Wheeler's with C.E. - Of course I jumped on Lucy 
& accompanied them - returning we drove into Grandin's 
& got back to a late supper by ourselves - Afterwards we went 
into the arbour & talked & sang till 1/2 past 11 - Upon going to the place 
where I had hitched the redoubtable Cyclops - I discovered that 
the Giant had "sloped" - whereupon I had a great hunt to
find her - The afternoon of the next day (17th)  I left a note
for George at Donaldson's Store asking him to inform me when 
the evening for the young ladies' visit was fixed upon - To my 
great surprize he rode up to the gate & told me he was on his 
way there, about 7 oclock just as I was going out walking
with Virginia & Julia Vaughan - The party overtook us on the 
road, & we had a great race - Frank & Kate G. were first -vainly 
endeavouring to pass G on Diamond - I & Ned Foote with A.G. 
had a tough pull a little way behind - I could have passed
without difficulty but my mare would break up & finally did
so - but having dropped my hat - had to give in - After fastening 
our horses we all met in the piazza & I got into conversation
with Ap. G. - A motion was made for a walk in the
moonlight & almost unconsciously I offered her my arm &
we took a most delightful walk together - we talked of the
moon, the country, Ned Foote, the unreasonableness of prudent Mamas, 
my late purchase of old novels & many other topics - & finally 
met a party who carried us off to the arbour - Now as the young lady 
had been driven up by George Maynard I discovered to my great surprize 
from certain observations dropped by Katy Foote to Ap. principally - that I 
was considered to have committed a great breach of etiquette in having 
taken her off & this morning (17th) Frank D. who is exceedingly 

13
jealous undertook to read me quite a moral 
lecture on my want of good manners - If it really was such
- which I am half disposed to doubt - Frank, George & K. F. to 
the contrary notwithstanding - I am very sorry for it & shall
take the first opportunity of speaking to Ap. about it & if
she considers it to have been so - to apologize for the unintentional 
insult - P.S. What a humbug this eternal Etiquette
sometimes is!! - The weather continues very hot - George
is going to escort his Aunt Mary to Mr M'Neally's near
Wheeling - I am very sorry he is going to leave us - Sam 
threatens to drive over the Miss Milford's to-morrow afternoon -
I have a great curiosity to see them & hope he will 
do so - [Got] I received a letter from Mrs Crane yesterday - 
satisfactory since it shows they have not entirely forgotten me 
but very orthodox & exceedingly commonplace - Rode out home 
after office hours but forget what I did afterwards - probably 
nothing very important -       Friday July 18th 1845
Came in rather late to the office this morning - on my way 
down Main St: met Ned: Foote who is going down to Louisville 
on a visit to Bishop Smith next week - Made an appointment 
to drive him out to spend the evening with me - 
I hunted all town over to no purpose for a sea-grass hammock 
to hang up like Charles Elliot's under the trees - I think 
however that I shall be able to buy one of "Tillotson" Strader 
& Gorman's bookkeeper - drove Ned out & after supper we started 
over to gether to pay Perkins' a visit - but meeting Charley
driving Mrs. Sam: Foote in, we did not stop but went down
by Grandin's & up the river road some three or four miles -
We put out my mare on a long level piece of mud road of
about a mile in length - she trotted like thunder - moved
along most beautifully at a really splendid pace & in coming
back especially struck a "lick" which it would take 
a very fast horse to keep up with - I really think she is 
a match for Diamond with a little training - On our return 
we found the Miss Milfords & our folks had gone 
down the lane for a walk - I sat down in the hall with 
Ned & Mr Lindsley & waited for their return with considerable 
impatience & curiosity - Sam's inamoratora [inamorata] being 
as yet a total stranger to me - Lindsley & I got into quite 
a discussion on the subject of Capital Punishment which14
speedily changed however to one on plenary inspiration - On
both of these points I was the attacker &  flatter myself 
that I made my antagonist at last two-thirds ashamed 
of his false logic & flimsy sophisms - Ned, considerably 
to my surprize came to my assistance with considerable 
power; & for about three quarters of an hour we 
kept up a gabbling which would not have disgraced a 
whole sewing society of ladies - While in the full flood 
of discussion the party came to the door & arranged themselves 
in a circle to listen which of course instantly silenced 
us - I was much pleased with Miss Gadrielle 
& not at all so with her Sister & companion - Really I 
dont wonder that her beautiful eyes & rosy cheeks have 
bewitched my sober brother - We went to bed at about 12 
o clock in a violent storm of rain -    Saturday July 19/45
Drove in with Ned this morning - late as usual - had a short 
talk with Charles Elliot at the door of the Bakery - ran down 
to lower market & returned to "the depot" with a heavy basket 
of Marketing & my corporosity as is frequently the case 
this hot weather - in a very moist & peculiarly dripping 
condition - Bought a hammock of Tillotson & engaged 
Ned to ask Ap. Guilford to take a walk with Lotty D. 
& myself tomorrow afternoon - would a great deal rather 
walk with her myself but dont like to appear particularly 
attentive to her family - I wish to God I could look 
into her heart just for one moment! - I long to tell her 
all my feelings & wishes but dare not do so - for how can I 
expect or deserve the love of such a noble & beautiful girl - 
yet I am not hopeless & am determined ere long to broach 
the subject or die - Talked to Mr: Steele yesterday afternoon about 
matters & things especially poetry - Mrs G. got back the same evening 
as the party on the hills. Her daughters found her in the parlour 
on their return & had quite a scene - Rode out home & with Mr:
Lindsley's assistance put up the hammock - We had quite a party - 
The two Miss Mulfords, Miss Shane their Aunt, Mary Peck, Kate Vale 
Virginia & Julia Vaughan, Ellen, the little Miss Waterman's with Sam 
Howard, Washington & myself made quite "a crowd" & a great
time we had - The girls took turns in the hammock two & two - 1st
Ellen & Julia V. got in & we swang them till the cords were worn 
away & they descended rather unceremoniously on Mother Earth - 

15
The same affecting casualty indeed occurred several times during
the evening - We met with no serious accident however & I kept
the whole party in a state of great hilarity but various witty &
amusing observations - amongst others I elicited great applause I 
remember by gravely addressing the fat, goodnatured Mary Rebecca 
M. as "Peter" - Sam had brought out Atkins big Harrison 
wagon & took some of the girls a-riding in the fore part of the 
evening & about eleven we drove the three orthodox young ladies 
into town - in the most beautiful moonlight & had quite a 
merry time - singing most horridly & then laughing at our own deficiencies -
we passed along 4th Street & I had a peep 
into her house through the open windows - What a mysterious 
& painful pleasure is associated with that square! - The very 
thought of it now-a-days make my blood tingle & my heart 
go pit-a-pat in a very remarkable & unphilosophical way. When 
we got back home & had put away the horse - Sam & I made 
a trial of the hammock - After a while Sam came to the sage 
conclusion that past 12 was really quite bed-time - so he 
abruptly tumbled out & made for the house calling on 
me to imitate his example, but instead of doing so I 
dropped asleep & should doubtless have remained so till 
morning - had not my kind friends the mosquitoes, taking 
it into their heads that nothing but a fainting fit could 
keep me out of be so late - set themselves to work to 
bleed me with such right good will, that I was fain to 
leap out in a perfect state of desperation & dash up 
stairs into my bar to seek refuge from the infuriated Drs -
Made the holy Sabbath a day     Sunday July 20/45
of rest as usual by sleeping like a top til 8 o clock - Came 
down to a "solo" breakfast & then ensconced myself in 
the hammock with Caleb Williams & remained there, delightfully 
engaged in the most dreadful & agitating murders, 
till reference to my watch showed me 1/4 of 11 - I instantly got 
on Luce & travelled into town unable to resist the attraction 
of that bewildering choir of ours - Mr P. preached "on the unreasonableness 
of Faith" & tho most unintentionally doubtless 
on his part - preached atheistical views - with which I 
fully coincided - After Church I walked home to Mr. Vaughan's 
with Lotty B. - took dinner there & spent a very pleasant af16
afternoon with her - talking & listening to her singing. More over we performed the pretty duo of "the leaf & the fountain" & engaged to take a buggy ride tomorrow evening. I left 4 - having entertained that she & Ap. had concluded that it was too warm to walk, & having rec'd a commission from her to send Ned Foote round. I went to his house where I found him with Tom Beecher & Smith - son of Bishop Smith of Ky - in a state of profound slumber in the parlour. Was introduced to the Bishop who seemed to me intensely "mediocre" & in about an hour's time we walked down 4th St. together - Ned to Lotty & I to take a walk with West whom I found at his Mill & with hour's lounge under the trees overlooking the river. I afterwards left him at the Mill (he having his horse there & went round to Guildford's - as usual on such occasions in a gloomy & anxious state of mind. As I passed Parkhurst's house on my way thither - saw Mr. & Mrs. G. there & on going into G's found Frank & Ap. in one window & Anna & John Groesbeck in the other. I seated myself quietly in a rocking chair & watched for a break which soon occurred & notwithstanding the arrival of Brigham & Ol. smith managed to get a fine talk first with Anna, then with Mrs. G. who came in soon afterwards & afterwards with both together. And cast as a wind upon Ol. Smith having evaporated I got into the window with Ap. & had a long talk about George, warm weather, people of character (amongst others Laura Stuart & an old Washington school fellow of her's - & finally had an understanding on the Perkins' Party question - was glad to find that she did not think we had infringed on etiquette all all, but was a little vexed & a little indignant at the rediculous "fuss" that has been made about such a trifle. In her peculiar way she recommended to me the habit of making short calls especially upon those with whom we are not intimate. It is an excellent piece of advice & I shall take care to profit by it. Ned F. & Lotty now came in & I soon afterwards left - & rode out home by the moonlight. 
Monday July 21
It is hotter than ever today - this afternoon the thermometer stood at 95 in the cool shade of th eCom. Bank. I doubt 
17
whether there ever was in the western country two weeks of more continuous, scorching weather than we have had. The morning at mid-day has ranged steadily from 110 to 125 & not a single cool exception has occurred. Mr. E. talks of getting Sam this fall to take charge of the books & I shall then learn the Counter Business so as to be able to take his place pretty much - & next summer have no doubt shall be competent to carry it on alone. After I left the Office I put my horse into a buggy of Emerson's & drove round to take Charlotte out riding according to appointment. The flies troubled my little mare so much however that she would not stand still a moment & having sent a little boy into the house to tell her I was there, she (the mare not Lotty) began to kick & jump at such a terrible rate that I drove her back to the stable fearing lest some accident might happen. It looked also as though it was going to rain but did not do so. I went back & apologised to Charlotte for my astonishing conduct & we agreed for tomorrow if fine. I afterwards rode out to Carthage road & thence home. Swung Marian in the hammock, whilst the rest of us formed a mystic chorus & sang various songs to her, with great effect. Afterwards we made a circle on the grass & Mr. Hildreth told stories - "Eoline or the Wind Spirit"by Charles Beecher & the celebrated "Rat" Legend by Southey. We then adjourned into the Hall & Marian by request read aloud Whittier's beautiful legend called I think "The Bridal of Pennacook" from the last "Democratic." Marian is going up to Marietta in a few days with Mrs. Vale, Kate, Mrs. Goodman, Mr. Hildreth & Mr. Lindsley. Quite formidable party. I am glad of it - as I have no doubt that the change of air & scene will be very beneficial to her.
Tuesday July 22d
Woke up late - not in itself a very remarkable circumstance but today I woke up later than usual in consequence of an insane attempt I made last night to "camp out" & bivouack for the night in the hammock. I wrapped myself in a blanket & lay gazing into the stars & thinking of the hill I fell asleep. It was exquisitely delightful swinging to & fro & looking up into the blue sky - brilliantly illumised by the moon - through the green waving boughs of our tall trees, which made a cool rustling sound as the night breeze swept through them, but at some mysterious period of the night - I woke  up bitten to [*18*]
death by the mosquitoes - having of course kicked off my 
blanket in my dreams - I was very glad to rush instantly 
into the house & tumble blindly into my usual bed - 
devoutly thanking Providence that there were such things 
as mosquitoe bars in the world - Mr Vaughan called to tell 
me that Charlotte B. was engaged at Mrs Stetson's & could 
not go - so I went & hunted up Ned to ride with me -
Find he is going to-morrow morning to Louisville - am very
sorry to lose him just now when George is away - & I
wanted a beau to help me entertain the young-ladies when
they come out - Having a shrewd suspicion that Mrs I.
would take Lotty out to the P's - Ned & I drove out there &
on our way met them coming back - Mr & Mrs S. Lotty & -
Ap. G. - looking as brilliantly beautiful as ever - Oh ye Gods!
& especially - Oh thou little Devil Cupid! Why were we not a
little earlier - Saw the P's & Charles E. drove into town, taking
Howard & supper on our way - Howy & I then came back to-gether -
Sam spoke to me about Blair's property - I do
not know but t'would be a good investment for me under
the circumstances -  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday July 23/
Drove Sam in this morning & put Psyche to a "big lick"
to show him how she could move - Sam of course - exceedingly
delighted & somewhat alarmed - A most beautiful day - shd
like to take Charlotte that ride but must see Blair on that
business - moreover Marian leaves to-morrow morning & I wish
to be at home as early as I can - So I rode out & spent the 
evening reading & talking -  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday 24th
To-day Marian, Mrs Vale, Katy & Miss Hildreth &
Lindsley left on board the good steamboat Commerce for
Marietta - Went out home after I left the Office - first
however I drove out Kate Greene - She was a little afraid
of my horse having I fancy heard of my little escapade
with Lotty the day before yesterday - We had a very pleasant
ride - out the Texas Road & back by Mt: Auburn - Kate asked
me in to tea but fearing lest my mare would not stand
I drove out home -                          Friday July 25
Met Frank D. this forenoon - nothing heard from George yet
I agreed to ride out with Frank on condition of his coming over

19
to see me next week but it looked so much like
a settled rain in the afternoon that we concluded to stay
in - Went with Blair this afternoon to look at that property - do
not know whether to purchase or not - shall hold off for the
present - Afterwards I went down to Mr. Donaldson's store
& made my supper with Frank on Bread & butter & molasses
- Afterwards Frank went to play billiards & I went round
to Guilfords - Had a delightful time of course & a fine chat
with Apolline - She gave me a lecture on Scepticism - & maintained
the Men were better & happier for a religious faith
I differ with her entirely & wrote a poem called "A Faith"
in which I defined my views of it -  ~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday Aug 26th 1845
Frank & I met & I made an engagement for West
& myself to meet him & Shep. at Dollins to-morrow morning
to breakfast - they being on their way to pay a visit to 
Gem. Ryland & Charley Pomeroy - about 23 miles off in Ky -
I engaged with West to come in & sleep with him so as to be
in readiness for the morn [?] but the night was dark &
I concluded to defer it till morning -
Sunday 27th -
Rode in at 5 this morning & met West - the gallop
in on Kitty in the cool fresh morning was as Lucius
Brigham would say "truly exhilarating" - A most magnificent
day - West had made an appointment to meet Fetiger
at his mill at 8 o clock - so were not able to go over
to Dollins - but took a drive to Joe's to breakfast - On
our return I called on Williamson to excuse West from taking
an afternoon walk with him in Kentucky - then rode out home
Read for an hour or two & walked in with Sam to church
- Got into the wrong side of the gallery & Holland was preaching -
felt rather glum - but accidentally caught Ap.'s eye - saw her
sweet, peculiar smile & "Richard was himself again" - Rode
out in a buggy with West to-day & after a nap on his part
& a spell of reading on mine we put Psyche into a buggy
& took a delightful drive[ing] along Camp meeting & Madison roads -
After Supper rode in & I called at Guilfords - Found Apolline
alone & had half an hour's delightful tête a tête but her Mother
was sick & I did not like to stay long so I left early -
I I had a great mind to develop my feelings to Ap. but[*20*]
dared not - I wonder how long t'will be before the
stream bursts the dam - & I tell her my feelings - My God!
and if she were to refuse me what would be my feelings
then! - Well - nothing venture - nothing have -
Sunday Aug. 3d 1845
A week has passed away since I last jotted down those
little items which like mile-stones are to mark & recall
the road of my life to my mind - My week has been quite
a quiet one - Mrs G. has continued very sick so that I
have seen none of the family except from time to time - the "old
man" at the Atlas Office where I was almost every day - being
engaged in getting some blank bills of Exchange printed for
Mr Ellis - I got the 1st vol. of Wilhelm Meister from the library
thinking that it contains Richter's "dream" which I promised to [l?]
Ap. - Mr Adams & I paid one or two visits to Ludlow's beautiful
hill & eventually I opened negociations with him again for it's purchase
but have finally come to the conclusion in which Sam concurs that
at present it would not be prudent to saddle ourselves with a
responsibility which would probably prevent our getting into business
for years to come - On Friday evening - I met by appointment - Mr
& Mrs Adams, Mother, Ellen Howy & Washy at West's Mill intending to
show them the hill - but it came on to rain whilst we were crossing
the Ferry & we turned back knowing that the grass would be
very wet - On Sat. evening however we were more fortunate &
after a delightful ramble returned home to a late supper - West accompanying How: & myself on horseback - We had made an appointment
this morning to meet Frank & Shep. at Carthage, but having
somewhat overslept ourselves we rode straight over to Joe's &
when they arrived late after waiting for us I know not how long -
we read them a severe moral lecture on punctuality & succeeded
in making them believe that we were much injured individuals.
The appointment was that if we left town first - we were to put a
stone on the Canal bridge railing - they said some one must have
knocked it down for that the sign was not visible - subsequently
West & I in passing by it on our way home again were greatly amused
at seeing their signal - a pebble lying on a brick - distinctly visible
on the railing - No Church to-day - our choir being annihilated by the
illness of it's mother & Perkins having poisoned his arm with wild
ivy - West went over to Bradbury's to take dinner - I lay in the shade
& read Wilhelm Meister - a most fascinating & suggestive book -

[*21*]
how singularly taste changes! - I remember when I threw this
book by with a want of interest almost amounting to disgust -
Took a ride on horseback this afternoon on Kitty & visited the Perkins
on my return condoled with the unfortunate victim of impertinent curiosity
- had a pleasant talk with Mrs P - & then rode home to bed -
Monday Aug 4th 1845
Still as usual beautiful weather - After business - first finishing
& despatching a long letter to Elizabeth in answer to a beautiful one I
received to day from her I went up to Niles Ho. to consult them
about the "Byington" affair which Mr. Ludlow talked to me
about last time I saw him - They advised me to have nothing
to do with him - Gen. Niles - the one I saw - the other being past -
says that he was driven out of Fox' concern for incompetence to
manage the business & that his undertaking to render it successful
would require an investment of at least 20 000 - He said
however that he thought a first rate opening offered itself in
the fact that he was about to move into his new buildings & leave
the old concern to two young men who have been in their employ &
to whom they will give tools etc to the amt. of some 5 or 6 thousand
Dolls - He thought I might possibly get in with them with perhaps
2500. capital - I told him I thought I could raise 1500 &
if Mr. Ellis would lend be me the Bal: I should like to do so -He
said he would speak to them on the subject & report if I would call
on him at 6 o clock Wednesday evening - He says that they will throw
into their hands business to the amt: of some 5000 a year which
they do not themselves want & that he has no doubt the profits
of the concern would be 11 or 12 000 Dolls the first year - It
seems as though twould be a glorious start for me - & after
my conversation with him I rode down to West's to get
him to give me a boost - not finding him in I left a note
but met him on my way up & carried him home with
me - We discussed the matter together & agreed that it looked
well - Elizabeth in her letter seemed a little hurt at my silence
in regard to certain matters in which she justly fancied
I felt considerable interest - I therefore gave her a short synopsis
of my views in that quarter - Sam also recd a letter
from Anna - in which we learned with great surprize & indignation
that Anna had been so badly treated by Dr Shroeder
that she had resigned her situation with him - It appears
that the man took it into his head "that she is his secret[*22*]
foe. I think he must be a little crazy - this is a very bad
business since it at once throws poor Anna out of a situation,
Emily out of an excellent school, & deprives Ellen of the contemplated 
advantages which we hoped she would reap by being in the
same institution in their company. I will write them without
delay — offering to pay Milly's expenses back if she wishes to return.
Tuesday July 5th 1845
Very warm - some kind of unpleasant insects. I know not whether
mosquitoes, bugs or fleas. Kept West & me in a very uncomfortable
state of excitement all last night & this morning therefore I overslept
myself & he travelled on alone.
Tuesday Aug 12/45
Nothing very particular has happened during the last
week. Marian, Mrs. Vale & Katie returned from Marietta
last friday — they have had a glorious time - have made
many pleasant acquaintances & only returned home when
they did from fear of the river's becoming too low — they
anticipate paying that astonishing place another visit
this fall. I should like much to accompany them.
We have rec'd several letters from Elizabeth within the
last few days — one to me — one to Mother — one to Howy
& to-day a delightful one to Sam — she writes in the
best spirits & I hope will not totally vegetate after
all - tho: she be in the land of barbarians. I also got
a letter to-day from Wheeling from George D. in answer
to one I sent him about a fortnight since. He is well
& enjoying himself greatly — expects to be home some day this
week. I met Mr. Donaldson to day about noon riding in
on Diamond & gave him the latest news as to his son - also
as to Anna & Elizabeth. We heard from Anna too & Emily
since I last dotted one [????]

[*23*]
when I do go on East — be it one year hence or five — it
shall go hard — if I do not take the worth of the salary
& interest with a good cow — skin out of his contemptible
carcase. Poor Anna is thin & nervous & out of health. 
She writes us she is going to Boston & Rhode Island to
recruit. She says she is very poor having even to borrow
money for her travelling expenses. When I first heard
of the occurrence I wrote to Milly — offering if necessary
to send some money to Anna also to pay her expenses
if she would like to return home. I feel so
indignant at the whole affair that I hardly know
what to do. When the Ganos heard of it, they were not
at all surprized, but with a delicate consideration, they
enclosed a letter they rec'd some time since from Anna, to
her, to make use of if she chose, to show Dr. S. how
ridiculous his charge against her was "of being his secret
foe." I have seen nothing of the Guilfords for several
weeks in consequence of Mrs. G's indisposition.
Of course I have become misanthropic & visited
nobody but gone out home every evening with
gloomy punctuality. Called on Hilton to get Wilhelm
Meister vol 2 which I thought contained Richter's
"Dream" which I promised to lend "Ap." — got the
book & read it but the Dream was not in it.
By the way, what a glorious book that Sam Wilhelm
M. is — it gives one more deep & new thoughts than anything
I ever read - save Carlyle's French Revolution.
I am trying to get into the iron business with Lathrop &
Hill who are to succeed Niles & Co in the foundry on Main
St — called on Lathrop Sat. afternoon last to talk24
Wednesday Sept 10th 1845
Having lost the key of my trunk, I have kept postponing getting another one made from day to day - tis to my utter astonishment I find that  a month has slipped away. We are jogging along very comfortably - for the past few days the air has been delightfully cool & bracing - the sun shines right down & the moonlight which has just begun to enliven us is worthy of the Eastern climate. For myself, for some time past I have been very domestic. I find some of the students very fine clever, agreeable fellows & thus have again learned the lesson one cannot be too much impressed with - viz the immeasurable stupidity & folly of bigotry. A few months ago I should have been exceedingly amused at the idea of going over to a theological seminary to call on Divinity students. And yet I have formed friendships & agreeable ones amongst them & hope this winter to be as sociable as last year I was the reverse. M'Lean & Sailor who are boarding with us I like very much. Franklin Washburn too - the Dr. as we style him is a clever, comical genius. Mr. Wright also strikes me very favorabley & Elliot Moore who has just returned from Marietta last week pleases me much. He used to be an old crony of George D.'s & George has often mentioned him to be me with regard & I wished to meet him again. Last Saturday afternoon George & I rode out home & took supper together. After tea by appointment we came in together & called on the Nylands - we found only Mary within however & after a rather short call walked down before ten, to Ruper's to see Shepard who was to meet Frank, Ben S. & ourselves early the next morning for a ride to Joe's to breakfast. We had quite a tete a tete with old Ruper (the girls & old lady having gone to bed) before Shep. came in. On our way down to R's we had stopped in at the Unitarian Chorale to see the gas lights & pay our respects to the quire - the girls were all four there - Lottie, the Guilford's & Katie. We did not stop however, Frank & Ned Foote being there before us. I slept with Ben & we woke in good time. We had a fine ride. At the cross road beyond Mount Auburn we separated. George & I went down to Joe's 
25
to order breakfast - the others going by Buchanan's & Gano's basin. We agreed to meet at the cemetery & did so - we rode all over it - tis a very beautiful place. I rode out home directly I reached town - it looked like rain & I had us clean clothes on hand. Being too late to return in time for church I rusticated during th eremainder of the day. M'Lean being unwell & not coming to dinner I took him over some to the seminary & saw Wright & Sailor there. I enjoyed myself very much with "Henrietta Temple" for a companion. Last Wednesday I called at Guilford's with George - i.e. George went to Stetson's & called there for me. I had of course a very pleasant evening & we appointed, Friday for the visit to Ryland's but - owing to a mutual misunderstanding did not fulfil our engagement. After we left G's - We called for Frank at the Billiard rooms & George & I took our first game at Billiards. I think I should like it very much. This detained us so late that I found Ben Sprague was gone to sleep (I had made a roosting arrangement with him 0 there being but one mosquito net at "the store") so I had to take up my quarters at the Henrie House & pay three bits for an infernal bed which stunk so that I did not venture into it - but lay outside & woke up half frozen, however I warmed myself by riding home to breakfast. Mr. T. C. H. Smith has just got back from the East 0 glad of it - he is a fine fellow (N B.) I think likely Kate Greene agrees with me in that sentiment. Elizabeth wrote me a beautiful letter about a week ago which I answered by return of mail. Nothing from Emily yet to tell us about her plans & prospects - very odd! Tis now more than a month if I'm not mistaken since Anna & she have written. Am waiting in hope fore Jeannie Stone to answer my letter - of some six months ago. They say we are going to have a very gay winter! I hope t'will be so. I only wish I were in tha tset. However I may be yet. We talk on the hills of getting up a German lass amongst the young men - also I purpose trying to raise some private theatricals under the title of "Tableau vivans" so as no to [*16*]
Thursday July 11th 1845
Rode into town as usual — after Office hours
I took a ride with George. He & Frank went over to
Perkins' by invitation from Anna Guilford who with Lottie
was staying there on a visit. He asked me to go along
which however under the circumstances I declined & as
soon as he left me (we took super out home to gether)
I jumped on Kitty & rode into town I called in at
Guildford's intending to make a short call & then go
down to Howe's on the lady bearing which illustrious
name I want very much to call. On entering I
found Mr. & Mrs. Guildford in the rocking chairs & my
old friend T.C.H. Smith & Ap. on the sofa. Mr. G.
was giving us some old anecdotes of Powers which
called forth others from Smith — greatly to my edification
tho: not so much to that of the young lady who
told me afterwards in confidence that she had heard them
50 times before. Soon afterwards Gov. Corwin came in
& had a long chat with Mr. & Mrs. G. — during which S.
& A. went off into the other room & had a small talk.
T.C.H. then seated himself on one sofa & A. on the other
an opportunity which I immediately availed myself of
for a good tète a tète. After the Gov. went, T.C.H. A &
myself formed a trio — discussed Napoleon &c & finally
T.C. & myself left together. I fancied that I had exchanged
hats with Mr. Corwin but found on reaching
home that it was Mr. Andrews which I had carried
off. I made a splendid though rather incoherent
temperance speech on my way out — a circumstance
which greatly excited Kitty's feelings. Had
a beautiful moonlight ride home.
Friday 12th Sept
Nothing particular to record. I spent the evening at
home & had a remarkably stupid time, some uninteresting
company coming in to be amused. Franklin
Washburn however kept us awake by occassional bursts
of his very eccentric & peculiar fun.


[*17*]
Saturday 13th  It came on to rain this afternoon
& [thereby] spoiled George's & my project for a long
ride to-morrow.
On Sunday however I rode over in the morning to
Mount Ephraim & found Frank but not George — the
latter having remained in the evening before. F & I went
into town together. I rode Diamond & led Psyche. Went
to church & heard a beautiful sermon from Mr. P. — tho:
a rather melancholy one. It was a view of the constant
unhappiness & perpetual disappointments of life
exemplified by a sketch of the common carreer of a
noble & high minded woman, the trials she has to
endure & the utter emptiness of her dearest & most
cherished hopes. In the afternoon George & I
took a very pleasant ride over Terrace Hill, going
up the creek which Sisters, Mother, the boys, S. Gano &
West & myself took some two years ago when we
went on a certain "Strawberry pic-nic" when I
fancy will not soon be obliterated from our
memories. During our present ride, having occassion
to inquire of a Countryman whither our road
led, he replied with the greatest gravity that "it
takes to Mrs Brown's." Alarmed at this intelligence
we fancied we had got sufficiently out of the world
& returned to town in time to take supper at Selves
& go round to Mr. Guilford's where there was quite a
crowd. Frank & T.C.H Smith left on our entrance &
George & I escorted the girls to church & spent the
evening there afterwards. During the rest of this
week — having neglected to write I do not now remember
anything very remarkable, but pass on till.
Friday Sept. 20th
As I walked down Main St. this morning I met
Frank D. at the door of his father's store & entering
into conversation with him. I asked him frankly
what the reason was that in all the rides & such like
expeditions amongst the girls & young gentlemen of most of
which he is the principal getter up — he never had
asked me to take a part. My reason for this was
that I knew he was a little jealous, & fancied28
shock religious prejudices. The other night I proposed it to some of the folks - they all like the idea & if Mrs Vale dont object we shall succeed yet. Kate Greene went to Dayton yesterday with Mrs. Stetson on a visit of about a week. I wish I had known she was going that I might have called on her before her departure. Yesterday Afternoon I took a ride with George by the mill creek house home. After supper he & Frank went over to Perkins by invitation to meet T.C.H. & some other friends. I had intended going over myself - this prevented me - very sorry - consequence is - I have got no invitation to attend the "wednesday evening" (musical party) there to night. Well! I expect I shall manage to survive it. (See page before - 1-

that it was partly on that a/c that I had found it entirely impossible to have my share in those little gatherings which are the pleasantest part of social intercourse among young people. He was I thought a little confused at first, but then stated that he was afraid of my driving - did not think twas safe - wouldn't take the responsibility & etc. On my going out with them by agreement to Mr. Ephraim in the afternoon - after supper - Frank, George & I being alone at the gate. Frank alluded to my enquiry of the morning & made it the basis of a pretty exciting conversation & one altogether too personal to be pleasant - in the course of which he charged me with gross egotism of manner & insinuated tho he disclaimed - an opinion as to its being of character also. I felt both hurt & indignant & once or twice had a great mind to stop it short by telling him to go to Hell & riding home - but apart from the sincere friendship I feel for George, I know that it wouldn't do to break with him at present and moreover thought it would be more dignified to try to keep cool. So I did so - & in the morning rode home to breakfast.


29
Saturday Sept 22d
Nothing particularly diversified today. In the afternoon called down to see George & settle about our taking our 1st anniversary ride to Milford if it do not rain. He thought he would not come over in the evening but - in the morning if the weather were fine.
Sunday Sept 23
As I was sitting at breakfast, George came in , at about 1/2 past 7. He took breakfast with us & at about 1/2 past 8 we started - he on Diamond - I on Psyche. The weather was most delightful it was just such a day as our last year's - brilliantly clear & cool in the morning with a fine bracing wind, increasing towards noon & growing gradually cloudy - so that on our return the weather has a desolate appearance & the air a snowy chilly feeling which with a good dinner undergoing digestion in one's interior is as Lucius Bregham would say "truly exhilerating." We had a splendid ride. Before getting far beyond Perkins, we got to talking about our Francisean colloquy of the day before yesterday. Geo relieved my feelings considerably by telling me his reasons for thinking that I need have no fear as to the suspicions Frank had roused relative to the welcomeness of my visits in a certain quarter. When we got to the first cross rode leading towards Camp_meeting creek we disputed as to whether we had formerly taken it or the one further along the Madisonville road.
Friday evening Jany 16th 1846
Nearly four months have glided imperceptively away since I broke off the above unfinished record of a very pleasant ride. And - comparatively short as the interval has been - my whole course of life - my feelings, views, hopes, sentiments and friends have undergone so great a change that I believe no four months of my life have ever yet made. Then - I was in town two thirds of my time - visiting friends in whose cordiality and depth of feeling I could place no confidence, drawn irresistably by one of the lovelies & faces and noblest minds that God almighty has ever put on this glorious earth - [ and [?] lasting too.]30
much my own relatives and happy heartly noisy home. Now the picture is reversed. The impression produced on my mind by the unfortunate coloquy with F.D. - alluded to in my last entry - combined with jealousies in a certain quarter, compelled me to estrange myself from my friends almost entirely for a while. Then after a month's absence an accidental sight of her at the Orpheans concert where I was, with Marian & Mrs. Vaughan made my very brain whirl - as it never can make than once & I resolved came what come might - to bring matters to a crisis. And then after a fortnight's feverish reflection and fruitless attempts to obtain a fit opportunity came Mr. Mitchell's lecture of comets - one which will ever be memorable to me! That walk down 4th St. to Broadway - that earnest unspeakable conversation - that stormy agitation - that parting at the gate - and then the gloom of my soul - mirrored back by the wild dark night - the fierce desperate gallop through the pitch black roads with the wind roaring about me and a still more furious conflict within - why do I thus allude to one evening which never can entirely die out of my memory. I surely need no reminder of it. And since I last wrote how many minor occurrences interesting to look back at - have taken place - my friendships with Wright & Andrews - my appreciation of Kate - our German class - our debating society - our Christmas & its annual - our Evergreen - our New years merry-making - it would take the volume to sketch out all. Charlotte's marriage too to Mr. Varian. I shall try to sketch out in a day or two some of these scenes for future reference & now for to-day. Mr. Wright (who has taken advantage of poor Rankin's illness with the small poz to come over and board with us) had somewhat overslept himself but came up stairs and called me soon after 7. I found them all just concluding breakfast when I got down. Kate & Addy Hinsdale concluded not to go down to school as the day was very rainy and the roads awful. For the same reasons I preferred leaving Kathy in the stable and went down in the Omnibus, in a terrible hurry minus my Schi[?]ler - which I had not time to get - so I did not go 

round to Mr. Burchalders in the afternoon which was just as well for the weather presented the others from coming down. Came up in the same sepulchal apparatus and on my arrival found Mr. Wright reading the "monastery" to the girls in his room. I remained till Supper time, and afterwards we adjourned up stairs again and I read till about 1/2 after nine. Quite a circle of us round the wood fire. Dr. Frank dropped in and Mother and Marian and Mrs. Vail and Sam and Billy Donaldson  & the boys, and the girls & Mr. W & myself. Afterwards we had a a chat & some flute music from W., and after the ladies left, kind Mrs. V. sent us in a basket of apples by the Doctor and I came down stairs and took up some bread, butter, roasted apples, cakes & pickled tomatoes and we had a pleasant little supper. Sam copied "the Irish Emigrant from Frank's list of [?] and we then adjourned the rest to bed but I looking into my journal took it down to the parlour and set it going again. Chandler dropped in just before supper and came up to Wright's room where we were assembled with a copy of "the vocalist" - a selection of glees some of which with with the fine Burschen songs in Fait's Edinburgh Mag. of Mr. Lyle's - we intend practicing for next Evergreen this day week - finding us busy however - we postponed it till to-morrow morn - after breakfast.
Friday January 23rd 1846
Yesterday morning I wrote a note to Mrs Lyle which I left with Mr. L. at the Trust Co 0 telling her that Marian had forgotten to write but that she must make some arrangement by which she could come over to attend our Evergreen this evening. Accordingly he told me to-day that if we would call for her this evening she would await us at Mrs Hayden's. This afternoon to my great delight came a letter from Anna in answer to one of mine sent off last Monday week - containing Cleve Cox's "Words to strange music" - just in time - so I inserted in my introduction to "the Social order" - which I wrote the Sunday32
previous to last - whilst the folks were at church & everything
was quiet - this is the first piece I ever wrote in earnest & it
is an experiment of the success of which I am somewhat 
doubtful - however "nous verrons." I have not at all matured 
my plan of it but must do so before I proceed farther.
After Office hours, I went to German & had a very pleasant
recitation. Afterwards Andrews, Wright & myself went in the
carriage to Dr. Peck's but found as we expected that she & Mary
had gone out by the Omnibus. We then proceeded via the
Dutch bakery to Mrs. Haydens & took up Mrs L. With no further
accident than a terrible downfall of certain mince-pies which
we had in the carriage, we reached home. Wright & I took 
Supper with Mrs. L. & then went up to his room where we 
found Andrews busy completing his "Purgatory of Coquettes" 
& I rec'd two pieces which sorely puzzle me as to their authorship,
viz, "a thought" & "distant music." To our unspeakable 
horror as we took Supper, Mr Ordway came in & it became 
a matter of grave importance to know how to get rid of him. At 
last it was resolved to deputize Mother who executed her trust
with much tact.  She came in and having had Franklin called
out by Howard, after a few minutes confab; told him that she
was very sorry but that he must excuse her as she had a very
particular engagement that evening. Ordway being rather verdant
replied, Oh: certainly he would not detain her a moment!
and asked for Mrs. Vail whereupon Mother had to go a little 
deeper and said she was grieved to say that the particular 
engagement extended to every member of the family. Then he 
took the hint & saying, in that case he would call some other 
time, took his leave. Scarcely had he gone when Mr. Stanley
called & in the course of the evening Elliot made his appearance at
the door. So it goes, probably no one would have called had 
not we been unable to see them. At about 1/2 past 7 we met in 
the parlour. 15 in number viz Mother, Mrs Vail, Mrs Washburn, 
Mrs Lyle, Marian, Kate, Ellen, Mary P., Cornelia B., Mess: Wright, 
Andrews, the Dr. Sam myself & Howard. Mr. Chandler was inable 
to attend so our German Songs were postponed. I took up 
my position as Reader in the centre of the circle & commenced with
The P. of C. which was very amusing, next I read, the Dr's little apostrophe 
to the old Hat, which caused peals or merriment, then came


33
Mrs Lyles "lines on a Silk purse" which pleased & puzzled everybody - a thought
(whose authorship still puzzles me) came next - & I concluded my 1st division with
my voluminous "Social Order"- which seemed to create quite a sensation.  Then
Ellen gave us a piece of Beethoven's & then she, Cornelia & myself perpetrated
the "Lady of Beauty-after which we sang "distant music" to the air of Bonnie Doon"
then followed a large amount of small talk. Mary stood by the mantelpiece the
centre of one group. Mr Andrews & Mrs Vail formed a little coterie in the centre
while Kate & Wright attracted another crowd near the door by the side of the
piano. In about an hour the reading was resumed. "The Drs daughter"
was concluded & read as a whole the Yarn about nothing followed & amid glead
cachination  was universally attributed to me - distant music- concluded the
whole - then the guessing was commenced - in general twas correct but Marian's
& my scheme succeeded admirably & we reversed ourselves by acclamation -
the small talk recommenced. We had more music and coffee
with thin bread & butter added to the attractions - much business was despatched
& the day of meeting changed to Thursday - the evening concluded with
my little song of the fortnight before to the tune of Auld Lang Syne and we
dispersed at 12 oclock precisely. Andrews & the Dr. went up with W.
& myself - and after a cosy little chat by the Chivalrous fire - we retired
to bed, but not to sleep for the Dr & myself talked indepantly till about
3 o clock about every conceivable subject.

Saturday Jan 24/41
Beautiful morning but rather cold - now that we have bought
"that sleigh we are constantly wishing for snow & winter - last
thursday morng we had a fine little ride into town - whilst
Kate & I were watching for the Omnibus - Sam came in &
told us that Mr G. Fin & Mary were just starting in
the sleigh. Kate & I immediately went over & engaged
seats. As we went down the Hill we overtook Howy
footing it to school. He instantly got on the runners behind.
Farther down we picked up Sam - so that we were quite
populous - eight in one little sleigh - We passed "Pete's"
in high triumph & Tim. on returning took in Wright
Mrs Vail & Marian - called at Bradbury's for Ellen  & Cornelia
& gave them a sleigh ride. To day I rode in Kittie who
appears to have sprained her shoulder a little. Being sleepy in
consequence of sitting up so late the previous eveing and with a
very busy day at the Office. I dropped asleep about 9 o clock
over the stove but was awakened by Marian at 1/2 past 11 o'clock
- whereupon I obtained a mince pie and going up stairs34
awoke Mr. Wright who got up & struck a light. We sat down before the smouldering embers of his fire & having nibbled the pie with great satisfaction, we betook ourselves to our somnambulous couches.
Sunday Jan 25/45
Yesterday afternoon at the Office we started old Lee down the river with power to draw & 3500 dolls [?] Certifs: to buy pig iron, so I suppose the rolling [?] arrangement may be considered as made - this morn'g is beautiful - but very wet under foot. Kate took my journal just now & I not being careful, the first thing I knew was that she had stepped into a rather interesting passage. I immediately interposed - she took to flight but I caught her in the front parlour & rescued the precious volume. Oh. ho. Miss Kate - you might see too much - and too little! What a bewildering little lady she is becoming. Truly I cannot explain the fascination she has excercised over me for 6 months past & which constantly increases. Truely if my tendencies in the 4th St. direction may be called an intellectual feeling - this one may be aptly designated as a moral influence. Well - go it - while you are young - for life is short. Wrighty & I sang the Gloria in Excelsis this morning in his room - these chants are noble things when the do not prove a bore of contention, as they did yesterday evening between Ellen & myself - Entre nous - Ellen temper is decidedly bad. When Mr. Easy's machine is introduced into practice I will expand her bump of benevolence a little. I spent half my forenoon writing in my journal & then went over to the Seminary to hear Dr. Beecher preach. I was much pleased - the old gentleman with an absence of min which I am told he is much given to, forgot his sermon and after peeping and peering about the pulpit cushions and turning his pockets inside out with a great rustling and commotion - set himself to work whilst Mr. Epaphras Goodman was performing the preliminaries, to write the heads of another. Fortunately however his wife who went out as soon as she found out his perplexity, returned with the sermon just in time. The old gentleman though so feeble seems to be as vigorous in mind as 

ever and got roused up in the latter part of his discourse until he developed an electricity which thrilled me all over and gave me at once an insight into the secret of his popularity. I think I never knew anyone with a temperament so impressible as mine. I respond to all the emotions of people around me - it is like a harp quivering with every motion of the air. Every day seems to me to increase this - and to enlarge my sympathy with men & events around me! Well tis right! long may it continue so - Selfishness after all is the only unpardonable sin! In the evening escorted Kate through the most frightful mud, to hear Joe Wilson preach. He did very well - his sermon was short and sensible - too good traits. After our return Mrs Vail played us some hymns and Wright & myself assisted by the others sang them. I enjoyed myself very much.
Monday Jany 26th 1846
Did not send off my letter to day to Anna! Probably shall complete it in the course of a week. This afternoon received a letter from dear, blessed, Elizabeth, dated in some little  out of the way place on her way to Charleston. She promises to write as soon as she is settled which I hope will be soon - and until she is so - we cannot write to her as our letters would probably miscarry. After German we called at Dr. Peck's but found Kate had gone out. Sang chants all the way up the hill - also the messengers Dove and Araby's daughter. Mr Andrews came in after Supper - also Stanley who with Ordway & M'Lean were asked round to spend the evening as a kind of amend honorable for our affair of the E.G. M'Lean however backed out & Ordway was frightened off by the barking of the dogs - poor fellow! it is too bad! two clean shirts & evenings already wasted. Mr A. & I studied our German in Wright's room this evening till 1/2 past 9.
Tuesday Jan 29/46
Rode in, with the carriage, Mother, Kate, Sam & myself. We had a funny time setting off - brother Wright & Ellen looking out from his & the parlour window chattered German & enjoyed the scene. In the afternoon I went round to Dr. Pecks to see whether Kate would not go up with me - found Mary & Addy with her and stayed a few minutes but as she was obdurate I handed an apple to her & Mary as a last testimony of respect and sloped for  Pendleton's corner without delay hopingto be in time for the omnibus, but it had passed ten minutes before, so I walked up the road dreadfully muddy but yet I avoided it pretty well. Mr. Bates & Goodman's carriages passed me on the road and neither asked me to ride a thing which somewhat surprized me. Went over to Seminary with Franklin & M'Lean - Wright having the blues declined accompanying me. We had a most rick & original debate on the Question where an engagement may be lawfully broken for any other reason than those which justify a dissolution of the marriage engagement. Franklin made two speeches which caused all present to shake their sides heartily & reduced them to the verge of suffocation - yet when he got through - he could not for the life of us know what he had been talking about, though he had used good grammer & introduced many fine & grandiloquent words. Particularly good was his reply to some argument about a horse - made by Andrews. The Dr maintained that a horse had nothing to do with the Question, but that a cow had, & therefore proved from a cow the falsity of the Gentleman's positions. He & I afterwards went up to Andrews room & gambled with coppers till 11 o clock - great occupation for theological students! Coming home I found Mrs Vale still up in the parlour - & we had a pleasant little time. Frank came over & stayed with me. We talked till nearly 4 oclock.
Wednesday Jany 28/46
This morning being for a wonder beautifully clear, it was arranged that I should see Mr Lyle at the Trust. Co. BR. & if no objection offered, that we should this evening pay our contemplated visit - Mother, Mrs V. Sam & myself - drove Fanny in. Mother called about 11 o clock at the Office - and twas arranged. Directly after German (at which Andrews was absent on a/c of having no means of returning through the mud) friend Wright & myself went round to Dr. Pecks where we found Sam & Frank Mrs. V. Kate - all in fact but Marian who had gone to Mrs Knoop's but had promised to come round. Finding she had not done so, we supposed we should find her there, & set off for Broadway. But she had left for the Drs; so back we came again. When I say we - I mean Kate, Ellen, Mrs V., & myself - in the carriage - as I left the Dr's it appears I made an appointment almost unconsciously to meet the three other gentlemen at the corner of Sycamore & 8th so soon as we found Marian - leaving Mrs V. to drive. But as ill luch would have it - my stupid brain did not take it in - & when we found Marian I neglected to pass 


the corner as I should have done - and the poor fellows with a devotion worthy of a better cause, waited & hunted for me for a couple of hours - till at last Frank trudged home through the dark & mud to the hill - & the others persevering reached the Lyles about 1/2 past 9. In the meantime I drove the carriage to the foot of the Hill & there got out to walk up it. Kate declared her intention of accompanying me. I tried to dissuade her on a/c of the mud, but she persisted to my great delight. Marian also got out, at which I was not so much enraptured as I feared twould destroy the tete-a-tete. And yet that walk so unpleasant in every other respect was a glorious one to me. For months I had been agitated by all kinds of conflicting feelings - love to Kate - which I had taken the most disparate means to rush and in vain - the most tender & passionate friendship for Wright for whom I would die - & yet who is my rival - probably engaged to her. I have enjoyed much & suffered more this winter than I have ever done at any other period of my life. Why is this ceaseless conflict - this terrible struggle of the passions - And how wonderful to know what fearful tragedies are going on beneath the calm surface of domestic life - the more terrible because as silent and noiseless as the grave. After the accession of our friends, we had a delightful time - music & singing & talking & drinking of coffee & eating of cakes - we suddenly found it nearly midnight & were compelled reluctantly to start back. So I hitched up old Fanny & we started all but Sam Marian & Wright - who determined to walk round the other way. But we remonstrated so strongly that at last I induced W. to take my place in the carriage & drive down. Mr. S. & myself met them at Pendleton's corner - where they took M. in & with some difficulty so persuaded W. to continue his seat to the foot of the Hill - where he got out - & we walked up together singing for the edification of the Girls - till Mrs. V. notified us to cease - lest we might scandalize the good hill people. And thus twas 1 o clock when we got to Bed & Frank went up to sleep with thee. We talked till nearly 4 (no! no! - that was the night before!) I went to bed in a state of great excitement - & tried in vain to sleep not a moment could I lose my consciousness - Kate, Wright, Marian, Mr Lyles - Sam, myself, Ap. Guilford - German, Singing, walks, rides Mrs Vail - & the strange melancholy tale of her marriage - all the events of the past 6 months came36
swarming round me. In vained I prayed with my whole soul. I was calmer for a moment - but it all came back again - till from very weariness of soul I tossed off the bed clothes & paced up & down the room - back to bed again - all in vain. I was haunted with images like spectres. I loathed myself. I longed to fly from the fascinated of that lovely character - that earnest eye - & affectionate childlike, ingenuous spirit - that perfect sincerity - that superhuman grace! Oh Kate Kate - long before I knew thee - that name was to me the watchword of sweet association of pure & lovely images - but now it contains within itself - my world - my heaven - my everything - Yet what use - she is attached to W. & he to her - & not for earth or anything it can give would I think of seperating them - this is the state of misery - I have suffered for months past - it was to put it down by winter - excitement that I strove to resuscitate my feelings to Apolline - & for a few short days successfully - I denied to myself that I loved Kate. I tried to crush the feeling out - and yet it was there still. I believe I might have obtained Ap:  might yet obtain her - but I was & am unequal to the effort - besides it would be wrong & misery both to her & me.
Thursday Jany 29th
Came down late to breakfast - poor W. has been suffering I am sure for some time past - how affectionate he is to me & yet - it seems to me we feel there is something kept back - perhaps tis only on my part. How I long to burst the shackles - & talk to him face to face. I cannot penetrate the mystery that seems to affect K. & W. Their feelings towards each other now I cant understand - it may be they love each other no longer - that she never loved him - they are together constantly prefer each other's society to that of any one else - & yet- I shall grow mad if I cannot penetrate it - if I know they loved each other - I would kill myself before I would utter a sylabble to mortal. To night after all were gone to bed, Marian and I were left alone. I called her to come & warm her feet by the fire in the front parlour, and determined to make her my confidant. I found she was puzzled - did not know what to think but inclined to the belief that if an attachment had existed they were both getting over it - that they were not engaged & had no such intention she knew. I asked her whether she thought I had any chance - told her all my feelings - she had suspected them long. She advised me to let her speak to Kate - to Mrs Vail - hour after hour we sat there and at last as we rose to go to bed - we fell into each others arms - & had one of those little scenes - which are better not described. Dear Marian the kindest heart - how she sympathizes with us all & forgets her own lost youth & 


desolate prospects - in her warm earnest love for us all. She says she has enjoyed & suffered this winter as not for years before. Well, several of us I apprehend might say the same. I shall try to repay her for this. Of course, tonight - was sleepless one - No 2.
Friday Jany 30/46
I was up as usual this morning just as the breakfast bell rang. On coming down stairs somewhat in the dumps with my brain still all on fire with th excitement of the night before (or of the morning for we kept it up till then - poor Marian & myself) I could not but look round me on the breakfast table with a strange mingled feeling. Every one seemed to feel uncomfortably. Wright poor fellow looked as blue as though he had swallowed the poker. Kate looked pale & dispirited. Poor Marian I saw had spent a wakeful night - everything was wrong - & I found a harder task even than usual, to exert myself into cheerfulness. It was very rainy. Kate didn't go into school as usual - of which I was glad since it would Marian an opportunity of having an interview which I at once feared & wished over. I went down in the Omnibus & all day tormented myself at my desk - within thinking - well now - I wonder if Marian has spoken yet! No doubt - they are engaged! - & then what shall I do - go- I cannot for I am unable to leave this Office - stay I feel would make me miserable! - well, well, what must be must!! my usual consolation on such occasions. In the evening I entered the Omnibus - for I was too much agitated & exhausted to think of attending our German Class - but- being late as I was hurrying along 6th Street so as to save a square & intercept the old rattle trap - in case it started - as I reached the corner - whom should I see but the Omnibus indeed - yet moreover - Brother W. - riding rapidly on Kittie - covered with mud from head to foot - with his noble honest face glowing from haste & excercise. He told me hurriedly as the Rattle trap came rumbling up - that he feared lest I might be induced to attend German & have to walk out in the mud - therefore he had taken the pony & dashed in to give me notice - there - though to myself - and I - I am daring to rob him of Kate - at least in thought - but no - it shall never never be! - so help me God! I will act towards him as a brother. I will stop Marian if it be not too late! - Miserable- I entered into the Omnibus & from sheer desperation fell immediately in a most merry & animated conversation with Elliot Moore - whom I amused greatly by my bad puns & careless repartee & indeed kept my end of the machine - or at least - the inhabitants thereof - including Tom Thumb & his father - Mr Maxwell & Mrs Brown & a fat lady (name unknown) in a state of considerable delight - even M'Lena & Chute at the extreme upper end condescended to smile down on me through the darkness at intervals. When I passed the Blacksmith's howeor I found it perfectly intolerable & unable to bear it any longer I sprang out & struggled up the hill - losing my overshoes occasionally in the mud & stopping to fish them out again - to the gleat aamazement of the insides - & the exceeding approval of the 
Boy driving - who informed me in a pleasant voice - that indeed 
he had no objection - none in the least." When I reached the gate 
I saw through the bars - several standing at the door - it was K. 
& Mrs V. & W. - with his boots over his pants - & splashed in a manner 
fearful to behold. The moon was just setting - the new moon 
in the brilliant clear West - but its splendor awakens no joy in 
my heart. I was panting - burning to see Marian & find out 
whether the world was  prison - house or a mansion for me. 
I saw by Kate's lovely, earnest, tearful look as I came in - that 
she knew all - and when I was called upon to shake the
money in my pocket, look at the new moon & make a 
wish - how earnestly, how devouted, did I mutter to myself - 
her love - oh, her love! nothing else! Someone proposed to exchange
wishes - to see the state of our minds. I didnt say 
much - but gave notice [?]  must remain to myself. A 
short time afterwards the Machine came up - with Mac L' 
& Chute who is teaching in town at present. So we adjourned 
into the parlour - and I put on a very pleased and 
interested face as I listened to something or other he was saying. 
Heaven only knows what 'twas. I was watching Kate 
out of the corner of my eye. As soon as I could leave - I 
dashed into Marians room. She was sitting at her desk inditing 
a note to Cornelia. I begged to know the result. Stop 
Henry that's a good child till I get through with this. No 
No! -tell me -tell me now I cried almost crazy. You 
may hope - Harry - said she looking up with a queer smile 
of sorrow & pleasure. Thank God! - said I -and buried my 
face on the bed. Then in came Howard then Woshie - then 
Ellen - then the Dutch Girl - & I had no resource but to pace 
up & down the room like a chained Hyena - gnawing my handkerchief 
& fingernails. And when they had departed - She 
said she ought to go and get Supper ready. Oh no! - said I - dont 
leave me in this suspense for mercies sake - tell me all. So 
it appears that K. & W. are not engaged, that they never have been & 
never will be - but Marian thinks they have been much attached. 
Poor Kate - she was very much grieved to hear what it appears she 
had already suspected. She feel much interested in me but 
never had any other thoughts_  indeed she said - the difference 


[*By the way_this afternoon I bought & gave dear Sister Marian a book_Tennyson's poems_in 2 vols*]
in our religious belief she had supposed would of itself have 
prevented my entertaining such an idea. "She wished" she said 
"people wouldnt feel so - about her" "But even if she could ever 
like me, she was sure Father & Mother would never give their 
consent." On the whole however Marian's report was favorable 
& I trust eventually to succeed. In the meantime I 
will devote myself to the task of becoming worthy of her which I 
at present am immeasurably not. At supper we were all somewhat 
grave. By the way- Knowing that K. would feel uneasy
otherwise_ Marian has spoken to her Mother & with her had a
long & most interesting talk. She says I am a great favorite
with Mrs V. a fact indeed which I knew before_ but M. says
she is more interested in me than in anyone else_& that she
thinks_ apart from [he] my religious belief or rather disbelief
there is no one whom she would prefer as a Son-in-law.
I wish I could get such a faith for after all this state
of feeling in which I have spent the last several years_
yes 5 of them_ has been most injurious to me. I
only wonder has not been more so. Our evening was
pleasant. Kate singled me out & talked to me So Kindly
with her bright tearful, earnest eyes that I felt_ oh_
no matter_ I didn't sleep much that night.

Saturday May? 31/41
Breakfast being over_ I journied into town & tried amidst the
hurry of business as I have so often done to stifle feeling
but in vain. I fear I have got the asthma_ for several
days [befo] past_ I have experienced at times the strangest
oppression in my breathing_ together with an oppression on
my lungs_ & an uneasy feeling impossible to describe. I
shall take an early opportunity if this continue to consult
Dr. Muzzey_ for I have no idea of allowing anything
of the kind to get hold of me unawares_ if I can
avoid it_ I trust however it is attributable to dyspepsia or
something else_ anything rather than that - In my epitome 
of Thursday evening I forgot to give an a/c of a walk W. & Mar.
took on the grass plat_ in which Marian there to find out
somethings & W. also. Kate & Ellen_ very curious followed them
& down tormented them as W. justly says_ before their time. He
then told her that he was not engaged to K. but didnot know whatmight happen- & let her into some secrets besides which
she reserved- as to herself alone- And that evening her
& Kate went over together to Mr Wights- & returned accompanied 
by the Miss Watermans- it was blowing hard & 
raining occasionally- dark as Erebus- W. escorted the
Miss W's home- Kate & I seated ourselves on the door-step
& enjoyed the grand scene- if you can call that a scene
where the eyes see little or nothing- After a few minutes
talk- Sam joined us- & after a while- brother W. came
in & we all sat round in the dark & sang- Very pleasant 
time!- sorry I forgot it in its due order--Well
-to-night- I spent most of it in Ws-room- Franklin
was up there- & after a while W. came in & tumbled right
out of his clothes into bed- with a velocity truly surprizing
to Sam & Marian who- coming up a few minutes after
to pay him a visit- retired abruply considerably disconcerted-
W gave me a hint to sleep with him- which I disregarded- 
which I was sorry for, since I learned from Marian
in a little tete-a-tete which I soon afterwards had downstairs 
by the stove in the front parlour, that he felt very
badly- having discovered my attachment and that if poor
Sam too- he says he would never have come over here
if he had had any idea how we were feeling- He told
Mrs Vail- that he felt as though he ought to speak & tell
me just how things were- and no doubt he wished to 
do so this evening- How I wish I had known it in 
time!---             Sunday [Januar] February 1st/46
     This has been a most memorable day to me- one of the
most so perhaps- that has ever occurred to me-- Sunday
morning--I was singing chants with W. in his room- when K.
knocked at the door to remind him of his Sunday school & to
claim his escort- I took up my journal- and scribbled till Mrs. Vale
was ready to go to church- I left her in the pew & going up into the gallery &
sang with W.-- Dr. Beecher preached a sermon at me which perhaps from
nervousness - perhaps from a higher cause affected me greatly- I could not
resist the impression nor indeed did I try to- it was on the different modes
of the operation of the Holy Spirit- and the resistence it met with from
men--I walked home with Mrs V. we were both deeply affected
& so soon as I could I broke for my own room- knelt down & prayed

to him who heareth in secret- I was in great misery of
mind- when there was a rap at the door- you cant come
in! I exclaimed- What!- no one!- said a dear, sweet, voice-
I opened it- and poor Kate stepped in very much agitated,
I gave her a chair & took another by her- but we could neither
of us speak- Pook Kate buried her face in her hands- She burst
into tears- at last exclaimed-Oh dear Henry- do be a Xtian!
--I made little answer but took her hand & pressed my
face upon it--Thus we sat a few minutes until I could
bear it no longer--Kate! I exclaimed do not cry- I would do anything 
in the world to make you happy & I cannot endure to see
you suffering on my account!- Then we had a talk and I promised
her to do what I could- she wished very much that I should go over
& see Dr B.-he would know what you had better do she said- &
he is so kind & good it seems to me he is the best & wisest man
living-- In the afternoon I walked over with Mrs Vail to the 
Dr but he was not in- In the meantime Wright & Kate had
gone over to Mr. Wright's to Bible Class- We had a pleasant
conversation but did not find the Dr. in- Left word that we
would come over in the evening- and did so- I had a long
talk with him- he told me that there were two methods- one
to read the evidences, to weigh probabilities &c. this I might try
if I had a great deal of the pride of human reason, but
he warned me that it was tedious & very uncertain in its
results- The other which he recommended to me was this- to
take the Bible itself- to read it calmly, candidly- with prayer
-to assume its truth for a few days it could do no harm
-& in a few days he believed the spirit would remove
all my doubts- & he had never seen this fail- I determined
to do so- And if it be true that "with the heart man believeth
unto righteousness"--I trust it may be successful- for I am
heartily weary of this state of perpetual scepticism!-- I
have been very busy this week (I write on Thursday, & have negelected 
to bring up my journal so I think I will leave the
intervening days for the present & write up yesterday--
In the evening W. & I had a very interesting talk during which
he told me how he was circumstanced- and that he was not
attached to K. nor she to him in such a way as at all tointerfere with my views & wishes--Such a load of
suffering as was taken off me by that statement baffles
all description- If I can only succeed in that quarter
& if Dr B. could change my views how happy I should
become!--                                Monday Feby 2d 1846
Kate & I rode down together in the omnibus- Mr Kayton told
us of the most remarkable circumstance that ever happened
to any man before or since- Of course our curiosity was strongly 
excited & we pressed him earnestly to tell us all about
it- So he told us that a few days ago when he came up
to Pendleton's corner & being without means of conveyance
was looking around for a stray wagon or milk cart- who
should drive up & stop but Miss Pemper in her carriage- & requested
him as a particular favor to drive it back for her as she wanted
to remain in- which said the sapient man- is the most astonishing coincidence 
when I ever met with in the whole course of experience--
I was amused & that last sentence reminded me a of a scene which
I once saw in the basement of the Unitarian Church some years
ago between Jem. Ryland that most inimitable humorist & Mrs Criddlen-
the wife of our sexton- & at the same time the scene shifter at the theatre--
One afternoon after sunday school was over- a few of us the young
teachers- both gentlemen & ladies remained & the Devil no doubt influencing 
us- we got into quite a game of romps- sang hymns too rather
uproariously & in fact were a little noisy- all at once the door
opened & in bounce the cross-tempered vixen Mrs Criddlen-
who instantly singling out Jem as undoubted ringleader and hardened
offender-  poured out upon him in a torrent of reproaches- Really!
Mr Ryland-upon my word Sir-abominable Sir-outrageous- to make
such a disturbance right under the house of God, on Sabbath afternoon-
who but you sir would do so- Never Sir in the whole course of my 
experience!- Here the virago paused a moment perfectly out of breath
& Jem: who with one hand had been politely bowing to her with with a 
bland & most irritating smile- said coolly- with a sarcasm as smooth
as buttermilk- "Your experience is limited Mrs Criddlen"- this was
too much and in utter despair at his imperturbable equanimity- the 
infuriated lady shot out of the room slamming the door after her-
On getting out of the old rattletrap- we walked to Dr Pecks & meeting
[Kate] Mary at the door went round to Mrs Haughtons- K. appointed to
meet me & ride out in the rattletrap- & accordingly as I posted along 8th

I met her & we went back- Now Fanny being lame could not come in & the road being
very muddy the German class would have been obliged to walk out nevertheless- So W.
& A. who stopped in at the Office to see me agreed they would go up too-for
I could not think of remaining or indeed doing anything else till I had seen & had a
good talk with K- W. having a bad head-ache that day had gone up to Dr P.'s for
a powder & now with his usual impetuosity had started up to Mr Burchalders
to ask him to put off our German Departs for a month which he agreed to
do- I promised to keep the O. waiting five minutes for him- at the corner of
7th st- but we were late in starting & as every seat was full the boy declined doing
so & poor W. had to walk up which however took away his head-ache-- When we
got out of the O.- K. & I took a little walk on the grass- Ellen joined us- we
soon afterwards went in- after supper went over to Mrs Bordman's to prayer
meeting & then in front of our house on that grass- K. & I took a long
perambulation- We talked perfectly freely & candidly together- I told her how I
felt, how I had suffered- my hopes, wishes & thoughts- talked like brother
& sister &, I entertain great hopes that few years hence may realize my 
boldest wishes- Dear K.- I may be separate from you by destiny & may
live long years far away- but this evening will always be sacred, the place
always hallowed- & your pure, graceful lovely spirit will smile on me in
the very hour of death like an angel face out of God's blue sky- And
if ever- dearest friend- you ever can return my earnest, unchangeable
affection how will I watch over you, & guard you- & do you good &
smoothen the path-way of your life- Kate dear- if you only knew!-
but none can know my love save God & my own soul!--------
Tuesday February 3d 1846
We-i.e.- K. & I got into town somehow- but whether in
Omnibus or on foot cant say--What else was done generally dont know
so I shall have to let it go do to Posterity unnoted & unknown- I remember 
however that after they had gone to Mrs Bordman's- I took brother 
W's bible and read the Gospel of Matthew- what a grand book- what a glorious
life- what God-like death- when I got through I felt a little roused &
thought--"there must be truth here surely"-- And when I finished I
prayed the more earnestly perhaps because I felt a little blue shall
I call it?- at K. & W's being out so late-- AT last W. came in having 
left K. at the door of her room- I saw nothing more of her that
night- but a little tap was heard at our door during prayers & on open:
:ing it- we found a basket with 2 rosy cheeked apples & some raisins--
Kind Mrs Vail- how thoughtful you are- how considerate to others--February Wednesday 4th/ 46
This morning Kate & I having
made an appointment to do so the evening before- did not
go over to Miss Syles' as we intended- Our reason for wishing 
to do so was- imprimis that owing to the peculiar feeling
& position of us all- we more of us feel like having an "evergreen"- 
2d that it would be useless since we have none of us
written pieces- & 3d by that it would be so pleasant a walk
this most beautiful of mornings- however we were up rather late
the evening before & none too early this morning- so we post
poned it till to-morrow- After breakfast W., K. & I had
an agreeable time by the fire in his room eating dates & making pleasant
remarks- then we walked down- & talked about- I have just K's 
opinion & she says "nothing particular" -so let it pass- I left K.
at the door Mrs Haughton's & went round to Dr P.'s in hopes
of finding & walking out with her but she had gone out alone
at 3 o clock- Was much astonished as I walked along 8
st- to see a carriage remarkably like ours standing at the 
door-but with a queer shambling, yellow creature in the
shafts- Well! thought I, here is a singular go!- Either Miss
Kemper has stolen our chariot- or we have purloined her horse-
I found M'Lean there- Mrs V. & Marian soon after came
in and we rode out together- Went up to Wrights room &
attempted to write in my journal but as usual did not succeed-
After supper- we went to a prayer meeting in which I tried
to join for the 1st time in my life- As we stepped in K.
said to me- Henry doesnt it seem strange to you that you should
be here?- After wards- Jones walked home with us & made
us quite a visit- W & myself tried to assist him in one or
two songs- then W. went upstairs to finish a letter- K into
Marians room to take a nap from which she emerged in
about an hour looking very perplexed & dismal_ whilst
Mrs V. M: & Jones & I had a long curious talk- He was talking
about many things his intention of going to India, his doubts, difficulties

Slept with brother W. last night}   Thursday February 6/46
as indeed I have done almost every evening for a week
past-After my customary ablutions- I had scarcely come down
& taken up my journal when the breakfast bell rang- and
after it was over, I started to town with Kate- read Elizabeth's 
letter dated in Charleston, to Marian rec'd last night, as
we walked down the hill & we congratulated each other on
her having found such pleasant friends in her new home-
We agreed to read Pres: Hildreth's letter as soon as we found
time and to answer it as soon as possible- I told her of
my last night's walk with Jones & our pleasant conversation-- 
Near the brewery came in collision with the
fearful spectre which every morning haunteth the road between
the hills & town- fortunately however it was accompanied
by it's parent & therfore did not give us much disturbance--
As I went into the Grust Co. to-day, met
C.W.- the poor fellow has been very unwell for several days
& looks haggard & care-worn-- What an unnatural & 
most melancholy mode of existence is his!-- No family, no
social intercourse, no religious emotions--nothing but
business-business-business!- burning his brain- & scorching
his very life out- and yet possessed of the kindest
heart that ever beat- a good, true man- with a fine
mind- & strong soul- most strangely misplaced
& marred!-- As Mother says- "I wish he would get married!-- 
He says Lawrence has not succeeded in purchasing 
that half of the mill- & thinks I had better
see Elliot with regard to it- Walked up alone- found
a buggy at the gate- & on walking up the path beheld a 
graceful farm enveloped in drapery floating down the hall
with an unknown youth beside her- which she the form
aforesaid introduced to me as Mr Lewis- Had a little
talk with Mrs Vail.  After a while went up to W's roomof the discourse- bowing to the audience as he retired--
As K. & W. are improving the moonlight somewhere or
other & I felt a little blue- I left the parlour as soon as
Andrews & the Dr had made themselves scarce- & came
 up to our headquarters to complete my record of the day &
put Dr Bs directions into practice whilst awaiting their
return-- About 10 o clock they came in- & after a little chat-
W. & I retired to bed but not to sleep- As I took up my 
lamp to get my affairs in order upstairs previous to retiring-
W. cried out to me from the bed- "Friend Hally! it is
of the strangest thing in the world, but somehow or other
we never feel at home with each other!- How is it!- It
is the very thing I have been on the point of saying for several
days past Brother W.!- What can be the reason?- Perhaps
there is none!- said W.- I am sure I don't know what it can
be!- I had once a chum in college with whom I became
more intimate than anyone else in my life & it was
6 months before we got perfectly at home together!"- That
is not philosophical "meine freund"- Every effect must
have a cause! said I solemnly shaking my head in
immense perplexity- just wait till I come down again & 
we will look into that affair- for it wont do- it must be
investigated & amended--So after I got everything fixed I came down & for about 2 hours & a half we went into matters & things "tooth & toe nail"- W. & I tried fully to get to the bottom of our rather complicated positions towards K. both past & present- then we went into long anecdotes of our old love affairs- I gave W. a sketch of poor Rebecca D.-- & a faithful a/c of my intimacy with A. & that last scene on 4th St- He was indescribably amused at the picture I drew of myself that dark-stormy night charging on Kitty into the Sharpburgh tollgate & found no difficulty in understanding how in the same week a man may be truly & desperately in love in two different quarters- And then W. reciprocated 
by giving me a glorious account of that most singular & most natural
affair between him & M.G.- I think I see him now taking leave on the steamboat & then after a few hours of inward volcanic action- taking his resolve- & dashing down from the hills like a youthful whirlwind-flying past Chandler Dixon & Modessit- who in wild alarm hailed him with-Hallo! there stop friend W.- what in the  name of heaven can have
got into you!- But he waving his hand & redoubling his gigantic strides- roars back "can't stop - important business - very particular engagement" - And then how like the herd of swine in scripture- how he rushed violently down a steep place into the lady's cabin!

Then the look of surprize- the deshevelled hair & agitated glance
of the lady- the desperate perturbation of my friend- the cold
but electric walk on the hurricane deck- the maneuvering- & counter 
maneuvering- the descent- the parting- the embrace- & the
cold bitter agony of the next few hours- when "the die had
been cast"---I was fairly roused- I could no longer be still-
I jumped up in bed- Kicked, screamed, shook myself, dashed
my head upon the bed-post- & writhed & wriggled like a worm
in my exceeding appreciation of the thing- And then we agreed
that even such passionate tortures as we had depicted were
infinitely better than the chilly, snail-like existence which
colder-blooded mortals call life--Why do we feel this restraint?-- 
I am sure with all our great differences in nature, education & experience- nature has cast our feelings in the same mould- and we ought to be friends- in the highest, warmest- most romantic significance of that much abused word- For myself I feel enough attachment to fit out forty very good commonplace ones & I believe W. feels as kindly as I do--I can easily account for our having been at arms length till within a 
week past- & even to some extent- till this conversation of our's- Of
course I should not have been human could I have avoided a certain
feeling of rivalship which would spring up in the circumstances and
even after our explanatory confab:  of Sunday night- It seemed to
me as though I did not know all- But since this talk of Thursday
night I have felt very little of it- & unless W. has kept back something or other which he would like & yet does not choose to tell me, I have no doubt it will wear out in a few days- At least- I hope
so---                            Friday February 6th 1845
K. & I walked into town this morning- read Pres. Hildreth's letter-- talked about sundry matters-picked up a cent going down the hill above Pendleton's- & K. asked an old black man who was passing by- if he would like to have it- The old fellow laughed & said- "Ah Missus- you try to fool me"- "No indeed"- said K. "come here & get it"- "well then- throw it to me Missus-cant fool old black man so"- "There it is" cried our K. "& much good may it do you"- The old man picked it up with many thanks & we pursued our way to Mrs Staughton's- talking as we went about Florida & the glorious  old sea- K. told me how many pleasant excursions they used to have on the water at St Augustine- & we both agreedthat there was nothing like salt water after all- Called
for her this evening but found she had walked out according 
to custom- Brought her out some little broaches which
she had given me to get mended & gave Mrs V. "Ball & Dours re:
:ceipt for a little debt I had paid for her--After supper we
went over to Mrs Bordman's to get a little sociable meeting for 
prayer & concluded by perambulating the grass in front of
the house with K.--
Saturday Feby 7th 1846
Rode down on Kittie_ the morning was decidedly mixed
being one moment rainy & gloomy- the next bright & delightful--
After breakfast- W. went over to the Seminary & I went
up to his room to try & write a little in my much neglected journal_ 
there I found K. engaged in the same interesting occupation- 
I stayed about half an hour but somehow or other
didnt do much writing- for she & I got to talking which disarranged 
our ideas of the previous day or two sadly- How I 
like to talk to K.-She is so good, so thoroughly pure &
kind- her beautiful eyes are more like an Angel's than a
Mortals- this however is a mere supposition on my part- since
I never happened to get sight of any seraphic spirit as yet-
but at any rate her eyes are seraphic enough for me- As
I started- Kate looked from the window- & waved her handkerchief- 
I touched my hat & went down in good spirits- very
busy day- Ed. Howells met me twice in the street & asked me
why I looked so gloomy- told him I really had not observed
him approaching- or I should have put on a very merry look to
relieve his anxiety- but that it was utterly out of my power to smile
all the time- When I came in this evening found all at sup
:per--for we moved our Office to day into the new building on 3d
St opposite the La Fayette BR.--& for several hours even in all the
tumult, dust & distraction which such an affair invariably produces-
Franklin says 3 moves are equal to 1 fire- I believe he is about right-
During the full rage of the hurricane- When checks & papers were flying
thick as autumn leave in Vallembrosa"- the Dr. made his appearance enquiring

for me with his new cloak on which we have run him so
much lately, swung gracefully over his shoulder but with a 
countenance expressive of extreme trepidation & bedazzlement-
As soon as he saw me- he murmured in a hurried voice a request 
for Marian's note to Dr peck which he undertook to 
deliver, & informed me that a letter for Mrs V. lay in the Post-
Office which he wished I would take out & bring up- & then 
casting a tremulous glance at the pandemonium around him
fled wildly from the apartment- After supper-K. W. & I- the
terrestrial trinity at present so much together of evenings-took
our journals & busied ourselves till twas time to meet at Mrs
Bordman's- How strange are my religious feelings- I hard
ly know what to make of myself-I like to pray to hear others
do so & attempt to join them- yet I find myself as cold as
an icicle- & struggle in vain for that faith which is indeed the
free gift of God- To-night I felt in spite of myself like a
spectator- & tried in vain to enter into the spirit- of my companions- 
Well!- I hope I may be influenced by the Holy Spirit
yet for I can do nothing of myself & I wish to be a Xtian-
After the last hymn sung- Tim Goodman & Sam both prayed
& so earnestly & mournfully that I was much affected- And
K. & I took a long walk- with Jones down to the College gate- then
back towards Mr. E[?] J.'s house- then a little way along
the lane- where we sat down & had the longest & sweetest little talk
we have ever yet taken together- Dear K.- if ever God sent a
beautiful, heavenly spirit into this world to be our guardian Angel
it is yours- we talked about Jones, & Wright & myself & our difficulties 
& Ellen & Elizabeth & Marian & our Mother's & about enthusiasm
& feelings & resolved we never would grow old- & we talked about
old times & sunny weather with a fresh mind & looked at the
cloudy but moonlit sky & enjoyed ourselves exceedingly- After our
return found Mrs V. & Mother in the parlour waiting for us-Mrs V.
asked K. how she should like a little adopted sister- AT first she
was opposed to it- but when her Mother told her the forlorn, desolate
situation of the little Orphan & appealed to her sympathy-K's noble heart
beat quickly & she came round in away beautiful to see- Mother &
daughter are worthy of each other- Mother & I had a little chat by the 
stove alone afterwards- when I went into the kitchen previous to going
to bed- I found that funny K. cooking herself an egg with pepper[?]& spice & all things nice"- I warned her twas not homopathic
but she told me her medicine was out & that she therefore
didn't care- Sam & Ellen being out walking late this
evening were locked out-S. to Marian's great annoyance
clambered in at her window mashing one of the panes in the
cellar one as he did so with a dreadful crash- M's greatest
disgust was that the heroic Die gave no alarm at the intrusion-
Sunday Feby 8th 1846
This morning got down late & by the time I was fixed
W. & K. had gone to Sunday school-Sat writing in his room
till Church time- Went over with Mrs N- Sat in the gallery 
with brother W.- walked home with K- before & after dinner
was with her & W. in his room- then they went to Mr Wrights to
class & Mrs N. & I to see Dr. B.- On setting out till we arrived
at Dr. B's-K. & I walked together- eat lemon drops & had a
nice little time together- Then walked over with M. & E. to
Mr P's- found Mr & Mrs Perkins at home also "the stern
apostle James"--Came back by the woods- a beautiful 
sunset- Ellen lost her indian rubber in the mud hole but I
fished it out washed it & carried it on the front of my stick
to the immense discomfiture of its owner- On returning- K. W. & 
I united as usual in his room till supper- and after it-
K. & I came up- wrote up our journals, chatted & K. finished
a letter to Pres. Hildreth--Friend W's- step is heard on the
stairs- he comes to call us over to Mrs B's--just as I am
finishing up-K. & I went over- And afterwards took a 
short pleasant walk- Went to bed & dreamed of several things-
Monday Feby 9th
Being up late this morning & knowing the necessity of getting
in early to put the new office in order- I was obliged with extreme 
vexation of spirit to abandon K. to the tender mercies of Dr
Franklin whilst I shot past them on Kittie & hurried to the office- Mr
Brown of Brownsville the owner of the little house by the Seminary came
to town unexpectedly & called on me-- Mr Short is after the house but it
seems to me that to buy it is our only chance of staying on "the path" & to
quit it is out of the question--all my hopes & wishes are concentrated in this
one little strip of tan-bark & I wouldnt leave it at present for any prospect or inducement 
whatsoever--'Cause why!- I am attached to one person in this wide world
for whose affection & entire sympathy I would give everything--To devote myself to her

happiness is my great desire- I am sick of the selfishness & coldness of the world--I have
tried the pleasure of its dissipations & found it bitterness- I am alone in this great, empty
earth!- at an age when most are just plunging into the vortex of business or excitement- I
stand "like a king-amid the ruins of my heart"--I have weighed all my old idols-&
have found them wanting--When I have formed friendships-It has been but to find them
deceitful & when I love--I suffered--But a strange destiny-my eyes have been opened
& I know now how hollow is life-how vain it's pursuits- But just when the conviction was
driving me to despair- I met with a new object- so pure, so sweet, so heavenly- that it
has roused all the romance of my nature- the desire to devote myself to another- to consecrate
my life to her good- And if she cannot sympathize with a heart so stormy & unsettled-
if she sees how inferior to her in purity & true moral worth I am- that if she cannot
love me- with all the earnestness of her noble, queenly heart-if she cannot lay
her dear hand in mine with perfect frankness & attachment- I would rather die than
that any pity for my feelings should lead her to sacrifice herself-No Kate! whatever
betide me hereafter- I will henceforth ever-more strive for that higher life- which
consists of a total rejection of selfishness- I will labor & pray to perfect my character,
I will strive no longer for my own happiness- but for that of others especially of
yours- But Pshaw!- I will not doubt it--sufficient for the day is the evil
thereof!--K. is very young- but a year hence she will know her own heart
better & know me better--& she must like me- for is she not the
one-destined for me by heave- if Swedenborg's idea be true & there
is a certain man formed for a certain woman & vice versa- Besides without
egotism I do feel that I am not an ordinary fellow- one of your empty, brainless 
creatures- I have a fine mind- I know it & thank heaven for it--
With all my errors I have a high sense of moral beauty & hope to approximate 
daily towards a real Christian character--And if God have not as
I sometimes almost fear- given me over for my sins to believe a lie--if the
will only give me a faith in Christ--Oh! I can never be miserable!--But
cold & dead as my feelings are- it seems impossible for me to grasp what others
with much less enthusiasm & earnestness than myself comprehend without
difficulty--I have attended prayer meeting every evening this week- & have
read a little in the Bible- but so far to little purpose- But I will not
doubt- but struggle on- perhaps I may find a haven at last- Oh! what
happiness!- what an earthly paradise- would a Christian faith & My
Kate's love confer upon me--Well--"Nous verrons"--
Tuesday February 10th/46
Was awaked this morning by Mrs Byron Rucking at the door of W'sroom (with whom I slept last night) to know if I were
there & told me that Mr Brown was waiting below to see me-
So soon as I could- I performed my ablutions & hastened down-
We talked the thing over till breakfast & afterwards a short time
--I told him I would see Mr Ellis & give him an answer in the course
of the morning--K & I walked down- as usual had a very delightful
time-talked about Lizzie Bates & built (at least I built) castles in the
air--In the course of the day saw West- he thinks we cannot miss
it in buying the property & will assist us in the payments if we need it-
Also spoke to Mr Ellis who agreed to advance me 400. Dolls on Sam & D's note
renewable till we could pay it--So I concluded the trade & brought home
some documents for Mother to sign--K. & I. by agreement started to walk
up together-but Mr W's carriage took us up- Brother W left to-day- which
makes us feel quite blank- it seems like a foretaste of next April- Well!
pleasant times dear friend- we have had in that room of yours- & your Harry's
heart will be cold in the grave when he forgets some scenes that have occurred
& some words that have been uttered in that chamber- In you for the 1st time
out of our own family- I have a friend- one like myself- glorified &
enlarged- with just enough difference in our characters to give us the pleas:
:ure of contract & sufficient similarity to make us intimate- I should never
have known you but for the occurrence of the last few weeks- but I
know you now at any rate- What a blessing a good true friend is!-
W. is one of nature's noblemen- What a wild contest_ love, friendship &
jealousy used once to kick up in my heart- I should have hated
him- but that his true native worth force me to love him- if
possible all the more warmly from my very jealousy- as the sun blazes
brightest when surrounded & contrasted with dark clouds- Last night we
had a long talk- he told me all his feelings towards Margaret & I gave
him my best advice--To night as I & Kate sat in his deserted room
having read poor Franklin's tooth ache production- he came in- & he
Mrs N & I shortly after went over to an experience meeting at
Mrs B's--Poor K. being weary & having a head-ache went to bed instead 
of accompanying us--After meeting W. declined sleeping with me
saying he wished to be alone--Mrs V. &  I talked over my state of mind
as I walked home with her- she thinks I don't make it sufficiently a
business to read the scriptures- I think so too & determined to amend it--
she says dear K. feels very badly-thinking that perhaps my attention is distracted
by thoughts of her- In this she is both right & wrong- in the fact right- in 
the inference not so- since I can never believe that pure affection such

as I cherish for her can be productive of any but the very best effects on the heart
& understanding of the person feeling it- & certainly contains nothing antagonistic 
to religion- on the contrary- if I am brought into the fold- there is no
doubt but the she is under God- the means of its being so- Well!- in a month
or so- we shall seperate to some extent- & perhaps may never again live
under the same roof- but I think this winter will be pretty vividly
impressed on all our memories- Mrs Bates has promised us
climbing roses & all manner of "pretties" for our new domicile- &
Miss Catherine Beecher (who has offered Mrs V. her boot & the
use of her horse for $20. this summer) having called to day to see
if we would go into Mrs Howe's house for the summer- congratulated
us in the kindest way-- I really love the folks up here- there
is more Christianity about them than in the town-people- K.
this afternoon made calls on Fanny Goodman, Miss Perry, Hopkins
& Addie Hasdale- Didn't enjoy them much- AS she went to
bed so early could not take a walk- which was a disappointment
--Read a chapter or two in W's room- but fell asleep &
came down stairs to warm & write my journal- Sam
is reading Vivian Grey- but just now has given me notice
that it is midnight- & so good evening!------
Wednesday February 11/46
Last night after I finished writing in my journal I drew
my chair up to the air-tight & entered into a confidential
communication to Sam of my doubts & difficulties my
religious feelings & wishes & in short- of the change which
within the last few months has "come over the spirit of my
dream"-Poor Sam!- he & I. have not been so much to each
other lately as brothers out to be, especially brothers who have passed
through so much joy & sorrow together- He was much pleased & quite
affected & we read & prayed together before retiring- Woke up just in 
time to hear the Omnibus horn sounding0 & getting into my pantaloons
& boots with astounding velocity I tumbled down stairs just in time
to be informed by Mrs Byron with an amiable smile exceedingly
aggravating- that Miss K. had just gone out at the front door to go in
by the rattletrap- My first impulse was to dash out & save her from so
suicidal a proceeding but- a hasty glance at the state of my toilet
sent my back into my room with a groan of great mental agony- In
the afternoon I got up early- went up stairs into the front room, to ask
K. to take a walk but found she had gone out a short time before withThey came in after a while. I was talking to Mrs O. They
had been to the Green house on the [Madison] Lebanon road and
enjoyed themselves much. After Supper WVG went to the
Seminary alone and had a pleasant talk in so doing. Poor W.
had a bad headache and K. had one also. it grieves me very
much that she seems to be so subject to them for they are
terrible things. After meeting we escorted K. and Mrs V.
to Mrs Bardman's to a short social meeting afterwards
K. and I took a turn or two up and down in front of the gate
but the weather being cold - we came in and rescued W. from
his durance in the front parlour and carried him up stairs
where with Mrs V. and Kate we spent a delightful hour 1/2 --
headaches and heartaches being forgotten amid pleasant chat
& abundance of tea & toast & preserved oranges from that
 blessed St Augustine. W. and I slept together but as usual
 didn't get to sleep till late. Thursday Febry 13th 1846
Walked in with Kate and after I got through with business - went
to Dr Peck's hoping to find her there - but she had gone out 
early with Mary - I then returned to Dr Allen's on 4th St 
where according to an appointment I had made I met Mrs 
Syle & we walked out to the hills together - Had a very 
pleasant talk with her going out - about true & false 
friends - we compared notes as to some of our mutual acquaintances
As usual she told me many stories of old times & friends - also 
of Mrs Elliot's character & conduct -- I described to her the delightful 
times we have been having this winter & she agreed with 
me that we have a glorious little circle on the hills at 
present -- Learned with some consternation on reaching 
home that the Professors held no meeting this evening & 
that consequently we might expect visitors - Mrs V. however 
after supper took Mr Mc'Lean aside & asked him to tell
Mr Ordway that they were engaged this evening if he manifested 
any disposition to come - we met as usual rather late & 
somehow or other our meeting was not quite so lively as usual but 
towards the latter part the coffee inspirited us - tho. Kate & Mr Jones wouldn't 
drink any - the barbarians! & Auld lang Syne & bonnie Doune stirred us off as it 
always does.  I enjoyed it very much but not so much as our last one - perhaps 
I was not exactly in the humour - The pieces were very numerous - much to my 
surprize for as I didnt contribute myself - of course I supposed no body else would 

Walnut Hills February 13th 1846 

do so - Kate sent in a minute sonnet - No 2 - on that fertile theme Miss Fanny 
Mr Jones a pretty little ode to Poverty - A piece on genius - I think by Andrews - the 
Dr's mule produced an a-muse-ing song to Diana (our black dog) - purporting 
to be a tribute of affection from its affectionate Mistress Marian.  Sam 
a piece on a sack - very good - Ellen a piece called Pandemonium - 
Marian the transcendental one entitled Lyra Mr Andrews - a song 
"The inconstant lover to his mistress"  We broke up rather early - Mrs V. 
Kate, Mary, Ellen & Cornelia departed soon afterwards to parts unknown & Mrs. Lyle 
Marian Sam & myself remained chatting by the stove till very late & had a very 
pleasant time -- We talked about the pieces generally & read the Dr's over -- 
I went to bed about 12 but not to sleep - For some reason (whether from the excitement
produced by the coffee I had drank I know not) I lay in a most curious way dozing with 
my eyes open - perfectly awake the most beautiful visions passed through my mind -
& I held long conversations with various friends -- With Ap. Guieford in particular I 
had a grand talk - described to her our evergreens & those who compose them -- told her 
my feelings the curious things going on in my mind & so forth.  It was nearly morning
when I fell asleep - 

Friday February 13th [14th] 1846
Went down to town - walked with Kate - Sam with Mary - we took leave at 
Mrs Staughton's gate - I had a very pleasant walk but don't think Sam enjoyed it from 
a remark he made to Mary at leaving - In the afternoon met with a dissapointment which 
compelled me to come out with Mc'Lean - we walked through the butcher's hollow
& conversed about reeds & slavery - Mad is a very good fellow & has much good - 
feeling - Met that odious brother Blanchard on top of the hill.  He saluted me with an 
air which seemed to say - You are a vile wretch & I am an holy angel but still I 
recognize you - and then told Mack that a Mr. Blue from St. Louis was here visiting 
the students - it turned out to be a colored negro - collecting subscriptions for the 
purchase of a daughter - & B. told M. that as he was living on the spoils - he 
ought to contribute a trifle.  M. laughed good - naturally & promised to do so - 
In the evening whilst at supper Andrews No 2. brought brother Blue over & 
I was forced though I feel very poor at present to contribute 50 cents - Went 
over to Mrs Bordman's --- Afterwards we had a cosy little supper down in the parlour 
the things acted upon were pickles, bread, preserved orange & so forth - the actors were: 
Mrs. V. W. Ellen Marian & K & myself.  We read some of the evergreen pieces again 
and perpetrated all kinds of smart sayings - ending with a discussion on social rights & 
positions & democracy in general - Went to bed late as usual --- 

Saturday February 14th [15th] 1846
Rode down on Kittie as K. does not go into town to-day -- I was informed at breakfast - 
that this is St. Valentine's day - I regretted not having known it before. for I wanted toWalnut Hills - Saturday February 14th 1846
write one to K. but it ought to be a good one. Was extraordinarily busy all day & had no
time to think of it but at last about 6 oclock Mr Ellis left & taking the Camp went into the
back room. I sat down took out my pencil, scribbled violently for half an hour, took my
horse & rode home. Entered into the parlour as they all sat at supper, they burst upon me at once
Harry! how many valentines have you got? How many have you written. It was a 
perfect hurricane of excitement! I disclaimed all participation in them however & listened
with great amusement to one reed by Howard purporting to be from "Alice Allen". & one to 
the Dr. being a parody on Die. Sam reed one through the post office from Lucy, rather 
mamby pamby. I got Marian off us soon as possible after supper & asked her to copy mine for
me, but dissatisfied with putting the task on her, did it myself, got Sam to ring the bell and
Howard to open [copy] it for me. In my valentine I put in a little private one for K! & told H
when he gave it to her to tell her to read it to herself first. She did not take
however but brought it into the parlour & she & Ellen commenced reading it. Fearful
lest Ellen might see it, I made How. whisper to her that the inside one was for herself
alone. No sooner did she understand than she bolted right out of the parlour &
returned with the outside one to E's great disgust. Just before I got through copying 
my piece, Sam & Franklin who had been upstairs locked up together came down and 
shortly afterwards a whole shower of pieces. We had a funny time. M
read my poem aloud. Then we eat cookies out of a yellow plate of Mr W& D
had a long talk about Margaret etc etc.

Sunday Febry 10th 1846
We got up rather late, sang part of a chant whilst I was getting into my
stockings, in the midst of which the bell rang. & I [bolt] rushed up stairs in a 
great fright list somebody should come out & see me. & dashed cold water 
over myself in a terrible hurry, after breakfast took my Polyglott & went into the front
parlour where Kate & Wallace were indulging in a nice little bible lepon. Now
then I could not refrain from putting in an observation & I fear my thoughts
were not fixed on my reading as firmly as Captain Luke the author could have
wished had he been present. By the way an amusing incident occurred in the morning
on getting up W & I had planned a certain expedition together, but the bell had
prevented it, when I got through breakfast & went into the parlour, I asked him if
he still wished to make it. He declined saying he had altered his mind. But the fun of it
was that K. was exceedingly curious to know where I wanted him to go to & we had
a great laugh together about it. Dr Beecher gave us an excellent sermon, showing how near
many people came very near to the Kingdom of God. & the importance of an immediate decision. Was very
much pleased and I trust I this day resolved to consecrate myself to God. Just before W & K went
to Sunday School, W& I whilst sitting by the stove waiting for K's appearance built a splendid
"castle in the air" in which "Margaret" a piano & an upper chamber at Mrs Williams' together
with a truckle bed on rollers-- formed a conspicuous  part. We had a magnificent

roasted turkey for dinner. & in the afternoon, for an hour & a half I was KJW. in that 
lovely South West room, then Mrs. V & I went over to Dr. B's. Mrs V went upstairs 
as Mrs B. & I had a delightful talk with the Dr for about an hour and a half on every
conceivable subject from the duty of Ytcain  with regard to slavery & Texas to the character & fiction
of Mr. Perkins, we talked of free will & the dignity of a human being, as having the power of choice
a god like power, independent of the influence of motive & When we got back found K & W
in the blessed room, we read Mrs Hemans & sang hymns till supper. Heard Mr Bordman
in the evening & went into his house afterwards to meeting. As we went to church Kat gave
me a lovely little note. I wanted so much to read it that I could scarcely listen to the sermon. 
& so soon as I got home I read it over & over & going up to "our room" read & prayed for 
grace to comply with her request & finally sat down & wrote an answer, after which I read
again till late & then went to bed in a happier frame of mind than usual.

Monday, Febry 15th 1846
Ride down in the Omnibus, K divided her attentions between the
youthful & handsome Mr Benton & myself, however I wasnt in the
least jealous, she told me at the door of Mrs Staytton's that she liked my note very much. In the afternoon, walked round to Dr Ps & met
K at the door. Tried hard to make her believe that the Omnibus
was gone out & to persuade her to walk home by way of Mt. Aubara
but she did not seem in the humor & her quick eye caught sight
of the abominable old concern a way down Sycamore so we rode
up. Elliot M was in, also little boy Mansfield from whom I feloniously
abstracted through forgetfulness two newspapers. K told
me she had been to visit Mrs Adams & asked me about Mason's
Singing School. I fear I did not give a very fascinating description
of it, for K resolved not to go. Directly after supper,
we went into Mrs Goodman's to Bible clap, had a fine time. Mr Bordman
maintained a view of "the second step" or the descent of the Holy Ghost
after conversion upon such Christians as struggled & labored for it, which was entirely
knew to me tho: it deems to be in some degree recognized in the Creed of 
all orthodox churches & I find strong proof in scripture & experience.
K & IO had a place prepared for W which would have made us cosy &
comfortable together, but Elliott M coming in first, took the place &
K had to ensconce herself disconsalate on the sofa between Mip Newton &
Mrs Howard. Did not get away till late & W came over with me. We
 sat up talking with Marion, Kate & Mrs V & had a most delightful time, the ladies did not
go till 12 oclock. W what with fat pork in the afternoon, & toast, pickles & orange preserve
might felt very unwell when the ladies left & M got him the No 6 bottle. So after
their departure, we sat rather lugubriously by the fire & W took a tea spoonful of the
detestable compound every now & then to raise his spirits. I never spent a pleasanterevening than this in my life - it is a great pity that just
as we are getting so thoroughly at home with each other - we
shall have to separate in a great measure - However what
must be-must -
Tuesday Febry 17th 1846
Brother W. went over to Sam after breakfast this morning
& I rode down on Kittie - K. did not go in - Rode out in
the afternoon in a storm of rain & wind - As I passed the
Omnibus- about half way - I was somewhat surprised to find
myself the centre of observation to all the passengers - First I
discerned Marians face - then Mr Newtons - then Elliot Moore -then
Miss Waterman's - then Mrs Vails then Mr Brown's - all
smiling sweetly on me & gazing upon me with fixed attention
At last - blushing deeply & almost out of countenance - I
pushed past them & hurried home - Went right up to S. W.
room - & found K. there - making a fire - came to her assistance
& we sat down & had a fine time together - Then after a while
Mrs O. & M. came in by the Omnibus - After supper Mr. W.
came in & escorted Mrs V to Mrs Fowler's - Kate & I
remained at home & had a grand time - We talked & read
to each other in our journals - In K's wk of Sunday - she
skipped a piece -  I wanted her to read it - she would not - 
I accidentally caught a sight of a few words which informed 
my curiosity greatly -  I am pretty confident they refer to her 
feelings toward somebody -  either W. or myself - I would give
anything to know which - tried to trade a day of my journal 
against a day of her's & we negotiated all the evening but to
no purpose - Marian came in after a while - & we wrote in my 
j. - K. a letter to Miss Benton - Then W. & Mrs. O came home & seemed
to have had a very pleasant meeting - W. and I sang a few 
chants after which we got up a small glorification - I went down stairs for some
bread & pickles & while in the cupboard getting out the latter - K. came in & eat vehemently 
two or three at a time, while I fished them out - Mrs O. brought us in some orange
preserve - & we had a delightful time - We talked about Florida, Pres: Hildreth's adventures
in the pursuit of knowledge in Mrs V's. room - Charlie Lindsley etc etc & ended by
going out with Kate on the balcony - about 12 - It was very cold - the waning 
moon shone with a ghostly light from amidst masses of dark cloud & we
had a queer little talk about the last day - Florida religion to Mr W & M.
joined us - W. shouted about serenade - at Mrs Washburns window - How soon
we shall be separated - this is a gloomy reflection - it almost mars my
enjoyment -

Walnut Hills-
Wednesday Feby. 18th /45
Rode in in the Omnibus this morning with Kate & W-
As Kate & I walked to Mrs. S. - passed Sam & then went round
to the candy shop to invest 5 cents in figs & popped corn - Called
for K & walked round with her to Omnibus in which we had on
the whole a very tolerable time. Tom Beecher cracked many
jokes - asked whether the proper mode of expression would be to say
the house has burned up! or the house has burned down! & 
solved the difficulty by saying the 'twould depend on whether it
caught fire in the cellar or garret.  He told us also of a novel 
way to make a journey on railway at the rate of 120 miles 
an hour.  A car 60 miles long - was to go at the rate of 
60 miles - whilst another of ordinary dimensions moved
along on top of it at a similar rate - very good idea! He
stated that the system was in actual operation in England a
proposition which an Englishman present - bluntly and indignantly
denied - I suggested that the road spoken of was probably
in New England - to which Tom assented adding that it ran
round Boston court house.  In addition to this he was constantly 
exciting the risbles of little boy Mansfield, reading a 
book up side down & doing many other things which materially 
diversified the monotony of our ride.  On entering "our room'
was agreeably surprized to find W snugly endconced.  He had 
come back to board with us till we leave - on condition that 
I come over to Seminary with him afterwards.  Our trio met 
as usual before & after supper - then came meeting.  K. went 
home with W.  So I took a walk with Jones - went up to 
his room & stayed till late - we conversed mostly on religious 
topics & ended with mutual prayer.  Jones is one of the most singular 
men I have ever met with - He carries his belief into everything - it is his 
meat & drink - it is never out of his sight.  If one were certain he had the truth
as G is - it would be glorious to live so - He is a noble fellow.  On coming 
home about 11 - I found Mrs. V. & Mother in the parlour.  We had a talk which
brought us nearly 12 & I understand Kate sat up for her mother up stairs 
& was by no means edified by our delay. 
Thursday February 19th 1846
K. concluded as the snow is falling fast - not to go in this morning - 
after breakfast she & I met in Ws room he being at the Seminary & 
read scraps to each other from our journals - but could not succeed inseeing what either of us wanted to _ I am constantly growing more
& more attached to this most loveable of all human beings! It
is my great object & aim here on earth to try to make her feel
towards me as I do to her. There is nothing in the world I
would not do to accomplish this. I would walk about with
peas in my shoes, sleep on an iron bedstead, or go barefoot
anything to produce the result. I am curious to know precisely
how she feels. She likes me very much I know_ but I sometimes
fear she likes another better_ how I wish we were going to
remain [together] another year. However, I shall try to see her as
much as possible & I hope to take many glorious walks & rides
with her next summer. Dear K. there is nothing I would not
do to contribute to your happiness. If you would only let me devote
myself to you heart, soul & spirit! Well, perhaps you
may do so some day_ & if you do Heaven do so to us & more also
if I do not try to be all to you that a woman's heart could
wish_ that your sensitive and affectionate spirit needs! In the 
afternoon having made use of Kittie as is usual when K. is not
in the case. I camp up as early as I could. Found K. W. & M. together
_brought K. out ward of Eliza Kellogg's being better_ we wrote till
Supper time & afterwards till we went in to Mrs Boardman's. Marian
to my great surprize accompanied us. Altho, no notice of any kind had
been given_ there was a large assemblage_ too large_ in a meeting of
this kind to be very interesting_ after hows over K. & I took a pleasant
walk up & down the path in the snow_ for a long time_ K. told me
she did not feel that happiness in religion that others did or that
she felt she ought to. She felt unhappy at this & we talked about the
reason of it. I told her it seemed to me that this entire joy & happiness
was only to be obtained in time & would be gradual and progressive. I know that
this seems contrary to Mr. Boardman's view but I nevertheless believe it true.
We talked about Wright & the state of mind in which he has been for several
days past_ about our objects in life & whether happiness was possible in this
world. K. said she had but one object_ the consecration of herself to
God. I told her that I had two_ I expect she guessed without difficulty
what the 2d was! After our walk_ we went to the parlour & I read some
poetry to Kate. Some of Byron's most beautiful pieces. What a study her
face is when it is lit up by interest & feeling. Her lovely earnest eyes are bent upon you with a soft and deep feeling rather overflowering. I am a miserable
hand to describe such things_ but I feel them at any rate & I dont appreciate


your loveliness any the less Miss K! because I am incompetent to
clothe my feelings in words_ I read_ the isles of Greece, the Ball at Brussels,
the Childe's farewell & the [li?ies] to his daughter_ but I did not read them
to my satisfaction. Sam & Ellen came in_ and talked_ Die growled
violently & hased her tail on the carpet_ the door opened & shut [vis]
with loud noises_ and amidst the manifold distractions I read on
& looked at K olut of the corner of my eye. Went to bed late as
usual. W. was asleep but I tumbled in without awaking him.

Friday Febry: 20th 1846
Woke up rather late and did not leave for the Office till 9 o clock.
Rode down on Kittie but as Mother had ordered me to get her
some butter_ I did not get there till 20 minutes before 10_ I dashed
off from home in a terrible hurry with a tin bucket on my arm
to the immense consternation of Kittie who started off before I had
well got my foot in the stirrup thereby materially endangering my
tabernacle of clay which descended to the ground with some violence.
I delayed so long this morning principally because I always want
to get a sight of Kate before I go in as a Kind of refreshment through
the day_ whenever I think of home.Sunday Febry. 22nd 1846
We woke up about 7 oclock 
but found it very comfortable & lay dozing, talking & singing
chants at intervals till about 8 oclock.  We had breakfast very
late however so it didn't matter.  Afterwards I went up to W's
room. By the way, when I went down stairs as usual I 
met W. coming up.  Found that every thing was cleared away. 
Went into the Kitchen, found plenty of good hot breakfast bread
in the stove and some ham in the cupboard.  Howard & I & [Wasby]
took it pleasantly together & we had not quite done when in came 
Ellen & Kate later still.  I helped them to Buckwheat bread & etcs
and after they were through went up to W's room. Read till he & K.
went to Sunday school & afterwards till Church time.  Went over with
Mrs. V. the day was lovely & the bright sunshine on the pure snow
was perfectly dazzling.  Dr. B. gave us a glorious sermon on "Christian 
attainments" - very excellent & characteristic - the most so that I
have heard.  He was very witty too & several times I could not
avoid laughing heartily.  He uses the queerest expressions -
he told us of some Christians who hardly pay their passage to
Heaven.  & whom the Angels have to lay hold of & drag in lest they
fall short.  He reviewed some of the prevalent errors in the
Church with regard to the growth in Christian grace & full assurance
of faith.  After church walked home with K. She felt very unhappy 
& told me how much she desired this happy state of 
mind that so many of our friends have realized, & which
brother W. has enjoyed so fully for a day or two past.  After
dinner I went up to W's room - we read & tried a chant but 
he has been singing with Jones at the seminary till he has taken the
edge off his voice & I have a bad cold, so we did not succeed
well.  After a while K. came in & said that she was going over to
Mrs B's, so I accompanied her to the gate & then went on to Dr
Beecher's & the Dr had asked me to come over after morning service.
I had resolved to tell the Dr my situation in pecuniary affairs & to ask
his opinion as to my duty.  It coincided entirely with my own - I spent 
a pleasant hour the Dr sees nothing to discourage me - told me how his
son Charles - became a believer from "falling in love" with Christ by reading
the Gospels after he had been an infidel,  I believe for years.  As I came
home found K. standing at our gate waiting for me to come up - & not
being able to open it we went round to the back gate - Dear K. is in a
very happy frame of mind. She told me so.  I asked her what Mrs.

Boardman had been doing to her? Oh nothing - nothing at all.
Why! what have you done? Why it is nothing to do - the easiest thing in
the world! -just to trust - to believe - that's all!  K. went right up
to her Mother's room - she having gone into Mrs Goodman's to prayer meeting,
& I heard her singing to herself all the afternoon.  She says she
had a headache when she went into Mrs B's, but twas all gone
when she left.  Poor Marian has a terrible headache, she has been
a great deal exercised in mind for some days past, which probably
has something to do with it.  She has attended for several nights our
social meetings & this morning for the 1st time for months went to hear
Dr. B. preach.  After my return from his house in the afternoon, found
brother W. lying on a pallet in front of the fire reading.  I shared it
with him & after a while, we sang hymns together till supper.  Sam coming
in & joining us in doing so.  Went over to Sem: to hear Mr. Lord preach.
Howard & Washington there to hear him & seem both pleased & interested.
Poor S.! what a pity he is so very bashful.  He hardly made himself 
heard & wriggled himself in a very nervous manner, but his sermon
was excellent & well written.  Howard pronounces it "the best he ever
heard on the hills".  After church escorted Mrs V. to Mrs B's. to meeting.
Had a very pleasant one, afterwards K. & I took a little walk &
returned & had a very pleasant talk with Mrs B. whilst Mr.
B. was giving it to Mr Timothy Goodman Senior in the other
corner.  I told K. I must have this entire consecration too &
I trust that in some faint degree I realized it to-night.  They
told us how they were living, without any visible means of support -
perfectly comfortable, trusting to God though often without a Dole.
in the world, & always provided for in some unforeseen way.  Mrs.
B. told us of the conversion of her brother from scepticism by the
hearing a minister whom he had insulted - praying for him in his
room all night.  Returned home & sat for a while with Mrs. V. & K. in
their room after which I went into W's in high spirits.  I told him
I thought I could now trust to some extent.  We went to bed & to sleep
but in some unaccountable way, woke up in the middle of the night to find
ourselves in the midst of a most interesting conversation without either
beginning or end on our feeling of restraint towards each other.  Woke up
rather late in consequence.Monday February 23d / 46
Brother W. was so happy yesterday
morning after having been up in J's room that he
heard hardly anything of Dr. B's sermon & says that it is singular
when a man goes to church in a spirit of communion
with God how little it matters who is the preacher.  Dr B. &
Brother L. he says were yesterday all alike to him.  Walked
down to school with K. who felt so happy & confident in a strength
from above that she wished to go to school instead of remaining
home as she had intended.  A Pleasant walk as usual,  H with
us, & Sam and Frank behind.  Put up a special prayer for health
following Mr. B's recommendation of the night previous.  Met K.
at the omnibus & we rode up.  Found W. writing a letter to Miss.
M. in place of one in which he asked my opinion last Saturday
containing a few remarks on "suspicious disposition" which I thought
rather too strong.  M L. Came in & [Andrew's] also K. for a few moments.
After supper went into Mrs. J's to Bible class - subject - "Gift
of the Holy Ghost" - No 2. E. M as usual turned K out of
her seat, by W. & myself.  Mr B & Mr. A. had somewhat of a
discussion on the subject, after an interesting meeting K. & I
came up to her mother's room, lit a fire, eat apples & talked till
Mrs. V. came up.  Finding W. still closeted with Marian [when]
when I went to his room I returned & talked with Mrs. V.
& K till a quarter of 11.  Had a long talk with W. about
those exciting times, some 6 weeks ago, and afterwards took 
my journal & dotted down these hasty observations on yesterday
& today.  On referring to my watch I found it to be 1 o'clock so
I close abruptly.  Recd a letter from E. in Charleston to Sam
to-night but had not yet read it.  
Tuesday Febry 24th
This morning I walked down with K., she told me that Katie
W. was coming up with her in the afternoon & that I should in
consequence not probably see much of her this evening. Met her
 in the omnibus & we had a ride out, as disgusting as such rides usually
 are, K. sat next me.  Elliott the other side of her, & Morey & his Pa
opposite, with the lovely & intellectual Miss Waterman by them.  K & E. M.
had a conversation, apparently quite interesting but I could not hear sufficient
to take part in it & after one or two fruitless attempts, devoted myself to
the agreeable & profitable occupation of counting the rows of buttons on Moreys
overcoat, & wonderful how it happened that one of them had been rubbed

off or vanished somehow or other, and why his Ma. had not sewn
it on again &c &c - from which pleasing meditation I was aroused by the 
unprecedented snail-pace-iosity of the vehicle in climbing our hill & 
immediately proposed walking up - After some hesitation the proposition 
was accepted - & Elliott, K, myself & Mr. Goodman put it into execution - 
Elliott was giving us his views on prayer - He says he never heard 
but two prayers - from which I opine that he has but little of the spirit 
of prayer himself - On the summit of the hill the snow is still 
lying altho all trace of it has left the valley - On coming home - 
Kate Wright went into Mrs Vail's room but K & I into W's where we 
found Jones - After a while we sang chants & went down to supper 
& soon after I accompanied I. to the Seminary to a meeting of 
the Debating Society - On motion the Society adjourned immediately 
& resolved itself into a prayer meeting & a very interesting one we 
had - Andrews made some excellent remarks characterized by an 
enthusiasm & emotion unusual in his speaking - Newton made some 
observations & seemed to be feeling very deeply & Jones some beautiful 
ones - Andrews said that a Christian's life should be progressive - that 
there was no reason for this usual "falling away" from their first love 
by Christians - that his mind should be the abode of the spirit & that 
it should never take its departure - he enquired why twas so common 
& thought it was because they did not devote sufficient time or think 
enough of the importance of meditation & prayer - they rely too much upon 
social intercourse & the excitement which attend company and sympathy - 
Jones was quite eloquent - he said that the remarks of it 
embodied a rich vein of truth not sufficiently considered - he compared 
too many Christians to those forest trees which accustomed 
to the surrounding woods - stood firm so long as their neighbours 
accompany & protect them - but let those be cut down - let the 
earth about their roots be loosened by their overthrow & they fall an 
easy prey to the first blast of the storm - But said he "he ought 
to be like some mighty oak - Standing alone needing no aid 
seeking no support - braving the icy gales & facing the winter 
tempests - firm and immoveable" --The other folks accompanied by Mr 
W. went in to Mrs Goodman's to meeting - We had another at Mrs. O's
afterwardWednesday Feby 25th 1846
Walked down this morning -- Sam with K. W.  -- I with K. V --
Had a pleasant time -- read Elizabeth's letter to K. as we
went -- Called at Dr. P's on my way out but found that the 
two Kates & Miss May had put off to the hills about two o clock
in a sudden fit of insanity as the road was very muddy -- I understand
they had an amusing time of it -- Stopped at the corner of the 
road in despair but Kate V. took control of the expedition
and having first shipped off Mary in a carriage that passed 
with a vacant seat -- soon after put herself and her companion
into a cart -- and arrived home safely -- At supper were rather grave
till Kate & Mary got to laughing which of course communicated itself
to W. & myself -- which again reacted upon them till
Miss M. left the room to avoid strangulation & was soon
afterwards heard to upset a pile of wood in the hall -- By which such
somewhat summary process having relieved her feelings she
returned to table -- Went to the prayer meeting at the Seminary
mother went & afterwards stopped at Mrs. B's -- which prevented
Marian's going -- K & I took a little walk before going in & on 
passing our house on the way thither -- heard Brother W. coming 
out singing in high spirits -- did not enjoy the meeting much
& on coming back I went up to W's room - just in time to interrupt
an interesting conversation between him & Marian -- going
into the kitchen shortly afterwards - I again disturbed M. & Kate
who had sat cosily down by themselves -- Should have retreated
but Sam came in to black his boots & Mother also -- So
seeing twas done -- I sat down with them to eat an interesting
rice pudding which Mother furnished -- after all the rest
were gone -- Marian & I remained & had a long pleasant talk --
about Kate, W. Lindsley, Elizabeth &c &c -- Wright opened the meeting this
evening by the way -- & spoke with great enthusiasm & violent gestures - till he stirred us up greatly & almost lost his voice -- K & I compared notes on his speeking & praying -- W's, Bordman's,  M'Lean's - &c [us] we walked home -- 

Thursday Feby 26th 1846
Kate concluded not to go down this morning to Sam & Mary started off just as I (being late) got down stairs to breakfast -- Kate congratulated me as I was so late upon not having
to walk in with her -- I begged her not to "make sport of a feller's calamities" ) as 
M'Lean would say -- After breakfast & W being gone to Seminary, she & I had a
nice little time up in his room -- I wished very much that I could have stayed up
to day -- It is one of fasting & prayer for Colleges -- & last night in our walk--
K said she wished I could -- In the afternoon rode up - found K& W. up stairs & K.
tried to give me a little note but I did not see it till she presented it to me after Supper --
A fine note short but sweet & so characteristic of its fair authoress I should be grieved to
lose it -- the last sentence especially charmed me -- "What a queer idea to write this note just 
about nothing much, but perhaps indeed I know it will be welcome -- Adieu Kate" -- Had a
very pleasant walk with her tho: tis very cold -- to the Seminary -- where the faculty lectured the
students on "pastoral duties" -- The Dr.'s interested me tho: I could not help thinking it a little
jesuitical -- but I fell asleep during Stowe's & Allen's exhortations as did K. also -- Jones came
home with us & we sang some glorious chants & hymns -- K. & M. being our audiences -- & went
to bed late -- after I had put J? to bed upstairs though I came down in my shirtsleeves
having thrown off my coat up stairs & wrote an answer to K's dear letter -- When I got 
through it was past 12 & I was nearly frozen -- W. had covered his fire carefully
upon retiring to bed so I went up as cold as an icicle & I fear was a most
terrible bed fellow for poor J. whom I woke up -- It was nearly morning
before I got warm & I shall take care not to go to bed cold again in a 
hurry -- By the way! Went round to Dr. P's this afternoon -- got a parcel for Mother & a letter for Kate --

Friday Feby 27th 1846
This morning I woke early and had a considerable talk before
getting up -- quite a discussion as to whether a man can love his friends 
too much -- whether the too great cultivation of his feelings of friendship
does not interfere with his love for Christ -- Jones took the
affirmative I took the negative -- I noticed his shirts are very old -- I
must try to leave him some new ones without his knowing of 
it -- He took breakfast with us and afterwards as twas so cold K.
& I rode in the Omnibus -- Had a good talk together all the way down --
I believe K. went in this morning just to please Mary -- very kind of
her -- In the [aft] road beyond the brewery passed Sam & a litttle
nearer town -- Mr. Donaldson, George, & some other young man whom I
am not acquainted with -- K. upbraided me as we walked to school with
my ingratitude? in sitting up so late in order to answer her note & threatened
not to send me any more in case I did so -- Dear K. I consider you with
out flattery to be an angel -- I have no language to express my love of you.
two beings in the Universe know it -- God & myself -- Being late
this afternoon I had just got to the rattletrap and laid on the
seat a bundle containing J's shirts - and finding K. not there had started
to Dr. P's -- tho I supposed she had already gone out - but I met
her with Elliott ?? & Joseph -- I persuaded her to walk up -- & had
a nice one as Pressley Kemfer's - where Mr. Newton overtook
us in Miss K's carriage & drove us up the rest of the road -- When
we got home - & I had relieved the Omnibus of a sack of M's containingmeat, bread & I don't know what else -- K. & I went down the
lane & took a funny walk in the snow -- I built a little castle 
in the air on the ground of my being the possessor of an immense
fortune - & we spoke about our present uselessness in
in this world & the difficulty one has in knowing rightly
wherein his duty consists -- We tried to reach "that seat"
but the snow dust now & then gave way under our feet &
K. not having overshoes on, found it necessary to give up the
idea -- Met the little "Stowe" children as we left the gate -- K.
introduced me to the little fellow - her pet - when we got back
had a pleasant time till supper -- After it the rest went over to
meeting at Mr. Wright's leaving K. & me snugly ensconced by W's
fire -- We were just settling down for a delightful evening by ourselves
& just such a talk as I wanted when Marian & Elton
came up -- the latter for half an hour -- the former for the 
evening -- We pretended to write journals & a letter but got to 
talking -- about old times -- about Father & all the melancholy &
mysterious events connected with his death -- about Aunts Barbara 
& Lucy -- about New York, Jersey City & England -- Olveston & Clevedon
& that argonautic expedition in a tub to those delightful islands
on the shore -- and that glorious point -- jutting out into the 
ocean beaten by all the glorious winds of heaven -- Oh! We had a
nice time -- What a wonderful think is memory -- and what a
volume of romance stranger & more beautiful than any fiction,
is written on my heart -- I suppose on every human one --
Kate seemed interested -- how I longed to be able to give her
that view of all the scenes & things which passed through my
mind -- She suggested that probably a few years hence this
very room in which I am now writing & these scenes may be
looked back upon by us as these others are now -- It is a true
& a strange thought -- I have had that same idea in my
mind for some time past -- Next Sunday is the 1st of March --
In a fortnight probably our household of two years standing will 
be divided -- perhaps forever -- the place that knows us will know
us no more -- Never have i enjoyed - never suffered so much as I
have written in the last twelve months -- I have lived more - learned
more, felt more, seen more -- than ever before --moreover - which indeed 
is the mainspring of the whole -- I have loved more -- And
after a few days farewell to the morning chant -- the cheerful
breakfast -- the pleasant supper -- the little gatherings up stairs &
down -- the secret conversations -- mysterious constellations, cosy 
chats -- all the little, little things that make up so much of
the happiness of our lives -- Fine, cheerful, friendly South-west
room -- farewell -- my life may be long & changeful I know
it will be if so -- but "may my right hand forget its cunning
and my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth --" when
I forget this winter & all it's funny doings -- it's evergreens, its
social meetings at Mrs. Boardman's -- its funny little suppers
of bread & butter & pickles, oranges, or sardines or baked apples --
Oh! what a pleasant time to look back upon -- Kate & her
Mother -- sisters, mother, & brothers, Mrs. W. - Mrs. Byron even --
& J. Andrews & M'L - & the Dr. -- with fainter glimpses of
Chandler & Mrs. Lyle & Cornelia & Mary P. & Addy & Mr. V.
now & then -- with our gentlemanly Sailor & hideous Gifford
afar in the background -- I wonder if I shall ever have as
nice a time again! Don't know indeed! my future happiness is
no longer under my own control even to the small intent it
was formerly -- it rests with another now -- to make my
future brighter tha?? all thought can picture or gloomy as
the prospect out of our window just now -- with the dark 
clouds, cold drizzly rain & disconsolate snow -- Well! -- after
all - happiness is not everything we live for -- Courage! friend H.
if you can only get this bright religion fixed in your mind &
the image of Christ like a star in the horizon of your soul --
it will matter little whether you are happy or not -- Was not
He a man of sorrows & acquainted with grief! -- And if even that
hope fails - have you not a soul that longs for action -- action -- as
a spirited horse loves exertion -- and may it not be that you
may leave your stamp on your age yet! --
Footsteps that perhaps another -- sailing oer lifes solemn main
A forlorn & shipwrecked brother -- seeing may take heart again --
This is no world for the idle sentiment alone friend Harry -- there is too much
evil without & within to be wrestled with -- there are too many
mighty problems to be solved to admit of much thought for what
is done -- gone -- Let the dead Past bury its dead
Act - act - in the living Present -- Heart within & God oerhead! --
Well - tis good to know we are but instruments in His hand! -- you may
call it Fatalism if you will -- thank heaven! I feel the truth of it --
After a while _ the folks came back & my toes, which had 
fortunately been frost-bitten that afternoon & had prevented
the possibility of my getting away from that comfortable fire 
& good society, suddenly got better when I found that I was
going in _ we had a very fine meeting, one of the best we 
have ever had _ and that _ although the Waterman's & some others
uncongenial spirits were present _ It seemed very short to me 
& I was quite astounded when W. jumped up exclaiming _ Folks!
I feel so happy! let's go home! _ We sang the "Gloria in
Excelcis " & some other chants at the meeting this evening _ what
a noble thing it is _ the mind that conceived those words
& that tune must have been second only to the Saviour's
own _ it seems to me that it must have been the joint 
composition of Sts Paul & John _ Paul _ giving it its 
triumphant majesty and power _ John _ the deep tenderness
& pathos _ Paul _ bursting forth in lofty tones _ We praise thee
Jc _ all the Earth doth worship thee _ John following with
the earnest impassioned appeal _ "Thou that takest away
the sins of the world have mercy upon us." _ & both writing
with angels & archangels & all the choir of heaven in the
mighty chorus _ For thou only art holy _ thou only art the Lord
Jc _ after our return _ Kate Marian, Wright & myself sat round the fire
keeping it warm & singing  & eating apples _ with which kind Mrs V. - ever
anxious to make others happy _ had supplied us _ W. & I didn't go to bed
till late & had a long talk afterwards about plans & prospects for next summer
_ Oh if the vision could be realized _ we are going to make up a party as
soon as the weather permits to go over to Mr Fichnor's to sing chants
with the organ _ When I think how we ?? on a former occasion 
made the old Hundreth ring _ at the time Kate Greene was with us last
summer _ I anticipate a treat _ On that occasion I remember going over to
Perkins to borrow umbrellas _ it having commenced raining _ I found them
all at supper _ the said they heard it distinctly _ every word _ We need a 
letter to day from Anna & Millie & Oh be joyful!  _ Millie is coming back
in a few weeks _ How glad I shall be to see the great, awkward, nice
creature _ Anna's letter did not phase me quite so well as what _ 
she has been so long from home that she breathes a different atmosphere _
I wish she could spend a few months with us & be a Blackwell again _
This has been a great time for receiving letters _ Kate has read _ a valentine
& letter from Charlie Shidsley _ Frank a ditto _ ditto _ Frank's valentine shocked

our modest Sam who is wonderfully particular, not a little _ He would, I 
suppose if he had his way _ put little Cupid into gaiter pantaloons _ tight boots _ &
a frock coat _ so as to make a civilized divinity of him _ & I presume would substitute
one of Colt's 6 Barrel revolving pistols _ for the Bow & Arrow to be in ?? _
But Sam tho: a good fellow hasn't so much reverence for the antique as I have _
& I confess I prever the little rascal as the Poets have so long described him _ though
the poor fellow must certainly find himself chilly this cold February weather _ indeed
the pictur shows him to be so _ his head is drawn down amongst his
shoulders like a chicken at roost _ Then Mrs V. got a letter from Mr V.  &
K. a letter from M _ besides E.'s a few days ago _ & K's _ from Florida with the
beautiful flowers __

Thursday March 12th 1846
Two weeks have fled since late one night or rather, early
one morning I penned the above rather incoherent observations
& I regret greatly that the very fact that they have been amongst the
most interesting ones of my life has prevented my putting down a 
regular record of them _ It has been a delightful period _ every
evening we have had meetings at Mrs Boardman's or elsewhere _ &
though I feel that I still want that faith cohode need I so much
perceive _ It has nevertheless been not without profit _ I think I am
gradually feeling my way out of the slough of despond and I trust with
my face turned towards the celestial city _ Fine weather, clear skies, moonlight
walks & glorious swings in the hammock which has been hung up
again _ have all added their enchantment to the scene _ & not a day
has passed without its more or less of enjoyment _ I have rambled about
considerably & with that dear, blessed Kate _ we have sat upon "the seat" again _
_ have prayed together twice _ once alone _once with Mr & Mrs B. _ & I
hope are getting to understand & like each other more & more _ At least I can
answer for myself _ Addie has spent some days with us & I shall not soon 
forget last Saturday night when we sat on the door step & recited poetry together
_ or one evening swing I took with Kate quite late _ with the moon smiling on us, high
over head & a soft wind murmuring through the branches of the trees or
another which I had very late with Marian a night or two ago _ when Kate
& Sam successively hailed us from their windows _ or another night when we
i.e. K & I found the house locked up _ & after much knocking Sam let us in
_ lamenting as he did so _ that he had nobody who liked to swing in the hammock
with him! _ Poor Sam! _ I wish you would fall in love with Addie _ or Frank _ one 
of you _ I like her better the more I see of her _ We also have had a visit from
Mrs Syle _ but not evergreen _ which I fear have almost been dropped _ nobody seems in the humor _Sunday March 1st 1846
Very cold, wet & stormy _ the ground covered with snow & ice
_ Got up rather late _ Mr. Allen preached from the text "commit
yourselves therefore to God" _ In the afternoon I went up to W.'s
room _ Jones was there _ we had a pleasant time _ sang chants &c_
and when J went I accompanied him to the door _ In the mean 
while _ W. went into Mrs V's _ where K. had been by herself all 
the afternoon and when I returned to our room _ I found it 
solitary _ I had seen nothing of K. except for a moment walking
home from church _ so I longed to go in & join them but did
not like to do so _ Took my bible & sat down _ Soon Mrs V. came
in _ we had a pleasant talk _ then K. & W. returned _ Supper bell
rung _ W _ went down _ K. & W. returned _ Supper bell 
rung _ W went down _ K & I remained - She was much affected &
we had one of those little interviews which no words can adequately describe
_ where much more is thought & felt _ than said _ We spent
a short time in prayer together for the 1st time _ Several people
knocked at the door & called us to supper but I did not feel like 
going down _ however after a while we did so _ Mr Andrews was
down there _ In some moods of mind all visitors & indeed all
persons whatsoever are unwelcome  & uncongenial _ Such was the
case at present with K. & myself _ Ellen too _ with a want of tact which
is somewhat characteristic _ asked K. who came down shortly after me
why her face was so flushed _ they formed a great chattering circle 
round the stove & altogether I longed to be alone or alone with K_

Thursday March 26th 1846
Here I am in the North room _ sitting alone with Kate _ the
blue curtains down _ the table by the fire _ a pleasant little wood 
fire in the grate _ or rather open fire place _ two candles & some books
on the table _ we are writing our journals together for the last time
I expect _ when shall we do to again?_ Never perhaps _ unless indeed
as I hope _ at some future period we may often do so _ Well well! _ nous
verrons! _ We are moving at last _ the dreaded day has come _ & to _ night 
Marian & Ellen & Sam & Howard & Washie sleep over at the little house _
_ Our nice corner room is deserted _ the parlours down stairs are all a 
heap of dust & straw _ Mrs Vail & Brother Wright _ are at Mrs
Boardman's at meeting & we are feeling very bad _ Oh dear _ Kate remarks
I hope we shall never have any other friends live with us! _ Why said I. K, _ are
you sorry we have all lived together? No! Said she but we feel so terribly when we separate _

Sunday April 5th 1846
After having almost entirely neglected my journal during a period of
religious & social experience which I greatly regret having passed without record
I resume with to-day _ The dreaded move has actually taken place _ we
have been ensconced in our new domicile sometime _ and are beginning to get
things a little straight _ I got up late last evening _ being our busiest day at the 
Office _ but stopped as usual at the corner _ K. & Mr &  Mrs Boardman had just
left _ having gone over to meeting at Mr Wright's _ Mrs V. & myself got into a very
interesting conversation which lasted about an hour & a half _ about 1/2 past
8 I tore myself away _ I went home. Just as I finished supper in our little
back parlour (how different from the former) _ Jones came in from the meeting
with M. & E. _ K. had intended stopping in but did not do so _ J told us of a 
project some of the fellows _ M Lean, Soury, Frank White & so forth _ had of starting
for the mammoth case early next week _ & that he proposed going along _
We also spoke of forming a little class for Bible reading _ About 1/2 past 10
J. & I came over to the Sem: & finding the Steward's hall in which I now
reside with my dear brother _ W. _ locked _ we knocked up Bro. Ordway &
got his master key _ with which we opened Frank Washburn's room _ he at 
present being engaged at the corner as protector to the ladies against a certain
"horrid man"  _ who works in the garden of whom they are all in mortal 
fear _ J & I sat down on the bed & got to talking _ At first I was a 
little sleepy & he proposed going _ but I got rounded up & we talked 
earnestly together on religious subjects till nearly 1 oclock.  I was 
so excited that it was long before I slept -- Jones has a very 
powerful & peculiar mind _ It is most delightful to me to converse 
with him _ Yet after our confabs: I could not for my life recall even to 
my own mind what we said to each other  All that remains is the general 
impression that I have been drinking in great thoughts & my mind feels 
as though it had expanded _ My views become wider & clearer _ Oh! what a 
glorious gift is that of mind _ If our own finite, degraded imperfect intelligence 
is productive of such pleasure & such results _ what next be the magnificence of 
that infinite mind of which as Dr. B. said a few weeks since _ the whole universe 
is one great focus blazing down his greatness & goodness into our hearts _ This 
morning _ I read & prayed with W. as usual _ went to breakfast & almost immediately 
afterwards to the morning meeting _ It was a very solemn & impressive one _ Prof. Allen 
presided & read a portion of those wonderful closing scenes in the life of Christ - To-day
being a communion season _ which occurs up here but once in 3 months _ 
Dr. Beecher preached the finest discourse I ever heard on the way we should 
look at God _ text _ "delight thyself in the Lord" _ For the 1st time since someof Mr. Perkins sermons long ago. I felt absorbed, carried
away. I knew that God existed. it filled me with unspeakable joy
and I was particularly thrilled by the idea of the infinite happiness
of God - Oh! - it is glorious to think of Him that inhabiteth Eternity 
- as much superior in happiness to his creatures as he is in greatness
and power - as he is in goodness and intelligence. The whole of the fore
noon I spent with Jones in his room - singing and talking. After
church went over to dinner & then returned to our room. W. & I read &
talked together on religious subjects, but in the course of the afternoon I asked him
what was the reason of the melancholy I had observed in him often of late.
This led to an explanation & it is as I have long suspected & feared.
W. loves K. still - the feeling - pretty much conquered once has now retd.
as strongly as ever - his engagement down South is in a very precarious
state & I greatly fear that in my friend I shall shortly
find a rival & probably a successful one. Marian has told me
for some time past that she thought I had retrograded in K's good
graces - that I could not hope to succeed with her. Yet K's manners
have sometimes made me doubt this. That she is deeply interested
for me & loves me as her own brother I know  - her notes and
every thing show it. But about a week before we left the
corner she all of a sudden avoided me - thinking I believe that
she ought not to encourage hopes which might not be gratified
& thinking too what I did not believe - that she was the cause
of my slow progress in religious feeling - owing to this thing's
distracting my mind. The consequences of my talk was - that during
the rest of the afternoon & evening, my mind was diverted from
religious duties & I could not refix them. Kate was my sole
subject of meditation during the rest of the day & in the evening
W. & I had to resume the subject - we both felt very badly
& no wonder. One thing I am resolved upon - not to talk upon
personal topics hereafter on the Sabbath.Sunday April 12th 1846
Last night was very miserable - prayed but it did not seem to relieve 
me- All day I was bound down to earth - my soul could not even
attempt to hold communion with God-I tried reading Job to 
give myself patience & in the afternoon went down to the grove &
read "the Epicurean" - in the cold wind till I was almost frozen-
In the evening I hurried over to accompany Kate to church _ met
her & her mother & Frank - on the way - K. gave me a note in
answer to mine sent yesterday - very beautiful- I have unfortunately 
lost it - which I deeply regret - She gave me several conditions with
regard to my reception of them hereafter- which I had brought upon
myself by a rather careless course of behavior previously - After church I 
finished reading it in W's room & made an appointment to get
up early & have a talk - However we did not have much of an one after
all-
Sunday April 26th 1848
Last Friday evening -I took a long walk with Jones - we conversed freely principally
on religious topics-went a long way along the Madison road - nearly as
far as Bradbury's- We talked of the blinding power of sin & of my present 
dark condition - of Byron & Shelley - of the doctrine propounded
to me by Mr. Boardman a few evenings ago when I visited him at 
his room at Mr. Goodman's- in regard to Christ as being the only
possible manifestation by which God can hold communion  with
his creatures - B. thinks that God being an uncreated & infinite Being
we created & finite ones can only commune with him through some
intermediate one - who should thus unite us to God - this being is found
in the son of God - created before all worlds - by whom all was made
& through whom alone not we only but angels & all created
intelligences shall through all Eternity meet & communicate with Him-
I also discussed Job with him & on our return we came round by
the house- It was past 9- but we found Frank W. & Kate there - they had
been visiting Emily Tompkins & like ourselves had stopped in on their way back-
Leaving J. in the parlour with the folks- I went went up to Marian's room & there
found Kate & Ellen sitting(?) together on the sofa- E. was reading from her journal
an moment of matters & things last summer when Pres. Hiedreth's was with 
us- very amusing & interesting - I sat down & we had quite a nice 
time till Frank became obstreperous at the foot of the stairs & we

were compelled to descend- F&K started off- when they had
probably got half way home- a party of us- Jones- Sam - Ellen
Marian & myself - went after them to keep them company - We did
not overtake them however & met Fr. returning to the Seminary - So
I took his arm to the gate - The rest of us went back home & taking
chairs sat down under the tree & J & I sang - Oft in the stilly night!
Jesus lover of my soul & a few other pieces -& then retired quite late
to bed-                    
Saturday- I came up quite late from town -- Stopped
at the corner- Kate came down & we sat ourselves upon the steps & had
a very pleasant talk- it lasted over an hour & yet when K. at last
reccollected that I had had no supper & sent me home to get it - it seemed
to me as though I had but just commenced it- I told her- how I
had met George D. in the street - & how he had ridiculed the idea of
trying to examine the subject of religion- saying he would like to 
do so too- if he had 100000 Doles _ to live upon and we talked 
about whether one could love their friends too much- & whether
Christians loved them as much as others- & about the melancholy
parting of dear friends when Death separates them & about the immortality
of the soul & many other things - And then I rode violently
home_ took my supper & went over to my room __
Sunday April 26th 1846
Wright woke me up quite early - conjuring me not to let us spend
 as usual half our Sabbath in bed- So I got up & we sang
read & prayed together- W. went to breakfast & it was arranged that
I should go over & get mine & in an hour's time meet him
& Jones at our room & sing - As usual however I violated
my engagement & delayed a long time swinging up the hammock
which with the boys & Sam's assistance - I at last happily
accomplished - when I got back to my room I found that 
Jones & W. had gone- & began reading - after a while
however J. came in- we conversed & sang till 20 Bell
rang for church- W. went down with Frank W. to hear
Proff. Smith of Marietta - were much delighted took
dinner at the corner on their return & got back to seminary about 2
or 3 oclock- Prof Allen preached a very fine sermon
on the future life - and as it was designed probably for the 
funeral sermon of poor Mr. Jonathan Bates who died &
was buried last week - it was very solemn & altogether
the best sermon I ever heard him preach -  Mr CalebB and his family were there. Before church, when Sunday school
took in, I was sitting at my window reading and watching for K.
saw her come in at the gate - stop half way down the path to
talk to Frank W. and then cross right into the school room - without
looking up at me to my considerable vexation. When folks
are "in love" what little things affect their spirits. After dinner
went up stairs with Marian and locking ourselves up - we read
those beautiful letters of Mrs. Stowe's to her on the subject of religion
- also my little "song of the skeptic" - written some time ago and
laid in M's drawer. Also I looked over some old letters
and notes of mine to M. with curious feelings. It seemed to me 
that I was at once the same and not the same as the
writer. It was a most glorious day - the air clear as crystal
the sun shining bright on the rich new green of the trees.
How rapidly and beautifully Spring has come on! I never knew the
transformation so rapid. After this, went back to my room and learned
those two glorious hymns. "Jesus I my crop have taken" and "Jesus 
lover of my soul". Then W. came in and hearing that J. [G?] was sick of a
chill, we went over to see him. Found him in bed with a dreadful
headache - thanks partly to some beer which brother Hudson injudiciously
gave him. However, he called upon us to sing - so we
formed an impromptu choir - consisting of J. [G?] W. Lord, M'L. [?el] Master
and myself. We sang loud and long and wonderful to relate this summary
proceeding cured J's head directly. After evening church, walked
home [K] with K, accompanied by Marian Ellen and Sam. [What] When we got
there, K and M took a walk together, Sam and E went home and Mrs V. and
I had a talk together in the arbour. M. and I. talked a little as we
went home, and then I went to my room
 Monday April 27th
Mad an appointment with W. yesterday to come over and breakfast with
us this morning, accordingly we did so. Went over to get Kate also
as she had half promised to come, but she had concluded to go into town with Mr Goodman's carriage, so she was not able to do so, but gave me a little note for "the folks at Mrs Blackwells". So we finished the 
[h??] and coffee without her and I made an agreement with her to taek a ride
on horse-back to-morrow morning if it be fine. In the evening after
supper Marian and I went out to swing at the hammock, and M. told me that K. had gone over to Mr Wrights to spend the evening, having stopped
in to see her for a few moments on her way. While we remained talking


the young lady herself came in on her way home escorted by
William Henry, having deposited whom in the parlor - she
came out and joined us as did Sam also. After a few moments
she bethought herself of her gallant and started to the house and I 
after her. She was in a queer mood - nervous and funny - pretended
to be mad at me and then assured me earnestly that she wasn't. 
At the gate she made a little appointment with me to meet
and came back with me, if I would call for her at the
corner in about half an hour, which I was sufficiently
ready to co-incide with, so I prowled about our yard
till Wm - Henry - passed it on his return home, and then
started over. It was a dark, cloudy - windy night. So I 
didn't indulge much hope of taking our ride to-morrow mor.
Found that dear, lovely Kate waiting for me at the steps
and being in grievous bodily fear of Mrs Flaxon who has taken
up her abode there, we went round to the arbour and there
had a very funny little talk. K. could not go over and we
had a nice time. K. blamed herself for having asked me over
commissioned me to apologize to Marian for some little thing she has
said to her, talked to me about my state of mind, upon my
feelings towards her and how she wanted me to love her as a
brother - only as a brother - about how she had got into the 
good graces of the teacher who is coming up etc etc. She put
her hand in mine, was somewhat agitated, and when I cd.
not refrain from kissing her hand, she also kissed mine, dear
dear Kate - I think you love me - tho: not perhaps willing to acknowledge it to yourself, the thought gives me inexpressible happines. Oh! Kate, if you ever are mine what wonderful, what immerited happines will the Good God have conferred
upon me. After I left her, I spent about an hour and a
half in the glorious wind - praying and singing - it seemed as
though I could not pray enough, and after one of the
happiest times I ever had in my life. I retired to my room
about 12, yet found W - still up and busy writing - poor
fellow. I fear he will make himself sick, but he is
so busy getting ready for the Presbytery that he has to work
Oh a perfect slave. I trust that it will not be long ere we see
Milly. Sam and I have been watching every boat for several
days with much anxiety.Tuesday, April 28th
This morning I was very happy thinking 
of that pleasant, pleasant talk last night in the arbour & I longed
to renew it -- After I left K. the other night I thought of so much
that I wanted to say to her which I wondered how I could have
forgotten -- It had rained during the night & Sam & I took in
the carriage in quite a storm -- & settled between us as we set off
that it was highly probable that Millie would arrive this morning
-- Dear Millie, how I long to see her again! -- Sam & I have kept it
secret from all the folks but Ellen (to whom I read Anna's letter recd
Friday in our carriage on Lower Market St) that we are expecting
Millie back so that they will be astonished -- When therefore we
have talked together in the presence of others about her return
-- we speak of "the wheat we are expecting down the river" -- Harry,
said Sam to me as we started -- I feel as though that freight
would arrive today! -- When we got to the office and separated - I
going in -- Sam going to the river -- About half an hour afterward
I was coming out of the Trust Co Bank when I saw West passing
on horse back -- Of course I hailed him & learned that he has
bought the other half of the Whitewater Mill on his own etc --
So I suppose I shall have no chance of getting in with him --
Whilst we were busily conversing - I heard a well known voice
pronounce my name & looking up saw Sam & Emily coming
up the side walk -- A hearty shaking of hands & a good kiss was
the immediate consequence & we instantly got into such earnest confab
that West who sat on horseback much amused & looking on -- rode
off & I walked with them as far as the corner of Walnut -- So what between
Katie & Millie my thoughts were in quite a ferment all day -- This morning as we
passed the corner -- I got out & went in -- K. looked out of her dear little window
but had no letters or messages to send -- This afternoon I stopped in as I walked
up & persuaded her to go over & make acquaintance with Millie -- A dark cloud
was coming & Elliott Moore "the planter of trees" as I call him - being in the
path by his house offered us an umbrella which with my usual sagacity I 
promptly refused - the consequence of which sapient proceeding was that R.
got considerably sprinked before we got home -- Spent a very pleasant evening in
talking to Millie about folks & matters on East -- She is a queer girl - "the same old coon" 
yet much altered - talks fast & well - has got enough vinager from Anna & has
learned the "retort direct" to perfection  I do not know what impression Kate
took of her but I expect Millie's ultra views on many subjects would scare

and give me graphic descriptions of many persons & things of Charles
Webber - a handsome young Kentuckian - a man of genius - wild, generous
spirited & noble -- one of the editors of the American review and a red
hot anti-Fourierist - at present - tho rapidly changing on that subject -
A certain Doctor Edgeworth Lazarus too -- a wealthy young physician[s]
is another particular friend -- Mrs Gove "the strong minded woman"
whom Elizabeth used to detest so when she saw her at Mr. Christian
Donaldson's a year ago in company with Bronson -- a Mr. McDaniel
who is in the Telegraph Office & whose relatives are at Brook farm -
& many others were the subject of conversation -- I have now to go down
to the office but hope this evening to be able to give some abstract of a
conversation which has left a strong impression upon me -- After a
while we went out on the stoop & there under the bright starlight - M.
gave us some of Fourier's ideas with regard to the ascending scale of
Beings - the destiny of the human soul & so forth - the consciousness & life
of the Earth & all worlds &c -- By the way - this morning Wright & I
persuaded Jones to accompany us & walked over into Mrs Kempers
woods before breakfast & sang "Silver lake" -- "Oft in the stilly 
night" &c -- This was very imprudent as he had had a chill two days
Before & this was his day for its' return -- And accordingly - he has been
very sick with violent fever & I reproach myself as having contributed
to it -- --
Wednesday April 29/46
Went over rather late to breakfast as usual -- found them 
all busy at table - Kate inclusive -- Afterwards we went into the
front parlour & while the boys were putting Fanny into the
carriage -- I got out Shelley & read Emily & Kate "the cloud" --
I met with it a few days ago in a number of "the Regenerator"
& was delighted with it -- Then we read "the fugitives" -- & finally
got Tennyson's Locksley Hall & I couldn't resist the temptation & went
through the whole of it -- In vain did Howard inform me with tears
in his eyes that it was almost 9 o clock - in vain did Sam beseech me to
come - in vain did Marian wave her broom at me & warn me off the
premises -- I had got roused & on I went - & Millie & Kate kept me company
with their sympath[y]ies -- It is surprizing to me to see Kate's taste
for & love of "the beautiful" in every form - & very delightful - it is a 
strong bond of union between us -- When we had finished we
drove over & set Kate down at the corner -- As I came up on foot - I stoppedfor Ellen which I had just taken out of the Walnut Hills
Post Office- K. asked me to throw it to her & she would take the
responsibility of opening it to see whether it contained a note for her
but I could not succeed in doing so & she finally concluded that
she would wait - Took a swing in the hammock with Millie
- Kate came over & I gave her a note from Pres: - which I had parloimeu
from Ellen at the supper table in order to have the pleasure of
presenting it myself - She took it & turned to go to the house - As she
did so - Millie exclaimed to me with a smile of great admiration - "What
a very very pretty girl!"  I think she is! - I replied - Yes! I see you do-
Said E. with a significant look - I see that she suspects something -
Marian & Ellen - & Sam & Kate went to meeting - I called after them
to beg K. to return afterwards - She did not promise - M. & I continued
talking till the time of their return drew nigh & Millie made her
toilet expecting visitors - Accordingly - the folks came back - with Frank
& Joe Wilson - Kate & I slipped off to the hammock & took a
long swing - First she lay down in it & begged me to swing her & be
quiet - I did so & it seemed to me she was praying - then we talked
about Locksley Hall & poetry & Shelley & religion & finally about ourselves
& my love for her - which I assured her was greater even than her
mother's - She wouldn't believe this & said she did not see why it should be so
- as I had not know her so long nor so well - I told her I wished she
knew me as well as I knew her for then I knew she would return
my feelings - She told me she wished I was her brother - then she could
talk so freely with me - could see me as much as she pleased & so on.  I
told her - I would not for the world it were so - that it might do very
well for a year or two but that I never could love her as a Sister - And that
I would rather she would hate me than love me as a brother - And
we talked about "the epicurean" a tale I lent Kate a week or two
ago - which I borrowed for the library purposely for her because I knew
she would like it - She did not want to read it when I left it with her
& has since spoken slightingly of it - but she told me to-night that she had
read it through & that it was beautiful - all that strange Egyptian worship
with its temples pyramids & caverns - its trial of fire water & air - the old hermit
the beautiful maiden - the melancholy yet triumphant end!  Reccollecting as I
do the effect the story had on me years ago - I knew that Kate would be
pleased by its grace & poetry! - and I was right - Oh!  how deeply & perfectly
have I felt that feeling which Alciphron is described as experiencing that
fear of death - that constant gnawing of the worm that digest not - Would to

God - that like him - this love of mine for one more beautiful
in soul & person than his "Alethe" - might lead me up to the knowledge
of God in Christ Jesus! - Sam brought us out a shawl - & then considerately
took himself off - We swung till it grew quite late & K.
reproached herself for having so deserted her Mother - Then we had
prayers & after them I walked home with her - Never did I feel
before how deeply how devotedly I loved her - till to-night - I would
have given worlds to have been able to make her see how I felt -
and unutterable emotions burned in my soul as the poor child
sat with me there under the tree - her dear little aching head leaned
back upon may hand - & her beautiful earnest eyes fixed on me -
We walked along together - and almost involuntary I took her
hand & held it in mine - I have not done so much lately because
Kate asked me not to do so - but now somehow I couldnt 
help it & K. didnt seem to object either - though she told me
some ridiculous fib about her hand not being soft or some other such
incredible nonsense since it is the best, softest, prettiest hand
in the wide world - When we got to the gate - we stood still - I looked
at her half averted face & I could not help exclaiming - Dear K.! oh - I
wish you could like me as well as I love you!  The lovely face
was raised - those beautiful eyes full of tears met mine one moment
& then how I know not - but our lips met in one first, sweet
kiss that thrilled through me like electricity - Oh! - I do believe
K. loves me - but she feels she must not & ought not to do
so now - till my religious views & feelings are settled! -
Another moment & K. had vanished & I was alone at the 
gate & her quick light step passed up the garden path - Then
the window opened & Mrs. V. gave her directions, how to get
in & I went home - Found Sam & Millie still sitting up
- had a pleasant little chat but Marian growing very ferocious
actually drove me away - and a certain mysterious pudding which
we had in the cupboard was therefore postponed till morning,
Came over to the room & had a small talk with Wright on his
Texas scheme - Woke up in the night with dreadful view of sin & death! -
Thursday April 30th 1846
Got home at 1/2 past 6 for a wonder - Found no one down -
After breakfast & prayers - went to my room & wrote in my journal
- then mounted Kittie in great haste & rode down stopping at the corner for
a note from K. to Mary O. - Also I took K. "Locksley Hall" - Shewas in her room as usual but looked out & hailed me with her funny
peculiar way & after keeping me waiting in the hall rather an unmerciful length
of time brought me a note for Mary which I left at Mrs. Houghton's for her. When
I called at Dr. Peck's for an answer however I found that Miss Mary had 
not yet got - she having absented herself from school and her young lady 
friends influenced doubtless by the curiosity peculiar to the sex - had
postponed & then mislaid it - K had been in & they had hunted for it
but so far without success. I did not stop at the corner but rode straight
home. Went to Prof. Smith's sermon in the evening at the Seminary chapel.
Prepared by those who heard him last Sunday & those who had known him in
 Marietta. I was nevertheless agreeably disappointed in my expectations. His
sermon which was from Proverbs the 1st - 32d - For the turning away
of the simple shall slay them & the prosperity of fools shall destroy them.
His discourse was a very powerful parrallel between God's dispensations as displayed
in Nature & his moral government as revealed in the Bible. It was the most
perfect discourse I ever heard - in power & condensation of argument equal to
Bishop Butler & yet at times filled with fire & eloquence. The Professor
is a very fine looking man of about 35 - with a splendid eye & a compressed
energetic lip - his elocution & style are beautiful. I was much struck with
some passages for instance in speaking of the neccessity & power of a full earnest
resolution to serve God - he illustrated it in the case of a man who had become weary of
life - who had weighed the pleasures of the world & found them wanting - he wishes to
die. He desires death as the great - the only good. But yet he may live on - his
mere wish avails him nothing. But now let his mind be fully made up
that he will die & behold all the powers of nature become the instruments
& executors of his will & conspire to aid his purpose. Air, Earth, fire, water
are all at his command the Pistol, the cord, the dagger, the Medicine chest, the
river, the precipice, all wait his bidding & he may die in a moment. Again
in showing the neccessity of a remedy for sin by comparing it with physical disease
he was very happy, and in speaking of the the unpardonable sin he became dreadfully solemn.
He said that these was one point in the analogy which had always impressed his mind with
peculiar force _ viz - that in the physical world it seemed as though there were some violations 
of nature's laws which were so horrible, so enormous that she rejects with disdain all attempts
at cure or restoration & assumed the wretch from her bosom with loathing 
& disdain _ He illustrated it, in the case of the man blowing his brains out &c - This was the offence in kind. then those were offences incurable from their duration _ For instance 
when a man falls into the river & sinks to the bottom _ what means all this hurry & commotion _ this 
running & [commoshion?] _ this plunging in of strong swimmers & deep divers _ this dragging of 
nets & grappling irons _ Simply _ becasue in physical matters men think of the fast & act upon 

the principle that soon it will be too late _ an hour hence suspended amination 
will have become everlasting sleep & you might as well attempt to blow in the mouth 
of the sepulchre _ or breathe consciousness into a mummy as to revive him who has passed
that awful limit _ He then spoke of the feared line _ like the equator it lay invisible
it might be passed in calm or storm, in darkness or light _ amid gloom or with 
but once passed _ from the eternal midnight these was not return _ for the incurable 
aid was no remedy _ wherever it might be _ there is was _ stretching out _ across the path of 
life _ the line of the soul's destine _ What gave him ten fold power was that he used 
scripture almost entirely for the proof & illustration _ so that I should suppose at least 
one third of his discourse consisted of the most beautifully appropriate quotation __ 
Walking home with M & Ellen _ as usual when my feelings are awakened I was 
very cross & snappish __ Made a fuss with mother on the subject of her having 
spoken to Mr. Ellis to-day about taking Howard & came over to my room in no 
very pleasant humor _ Found Jones & Wright in our room.  Poor J has been very sick with another chill & Frank who was up there awhile has a dreadful 
cold & cough which makes me uneasy _ since I should imagine him predisposed 
for consumption _ After a while - Wright & I went out into the seminary let -- 
near the front fence & sang hymns & Chanting _ amidst the fog which our voices 
soon dissipated & watched the setting moon as it passed down behind the 
woods _ Poor W. is homesick & unhappy _ I do not wonder _ in developing 
his plans to me - he speaks of going to Tennessee & Texas this vacation & of 
spending his next year in Andover or New York _ I shall be deeply grieved 
to part with my dearest friend thus _ But yet perhaps tis for the best that he 
should do so ___

May 1st 
Friday - Kate was at the window as I 
passed spoke of going over to see Marian _ I urged her to leave doing so till afternoon
when I came up -- She asked why? I answered "Cause" _ Morton is coming  into our 
office shortly _ I don't know whether to be glad or sorry _ I wish he was going to 
take the Books _ drove out the carriage quite late & having a note for Kate from Mary 
stopped at the corner _ but after hunting high & low found she had gone to the greenhouse
a few hours before with quite a party _ escorted by Mr. Rosseter the goggle 
wearing young sentimentalist of Boston _ Wright went with Millie, & Frank White wiith 
Marian _ I don't know who was Ellen's escort _ very bad day for 1st May - growned 
wet sky presently cloudy _ Sunday school children up here. I am told had quite a 
time in the grove _ folks there _ Rosseter came over for Ellen sent over I expect 
by that mischievous Kate _ but she wouldn't go with him & sent him away _ telling 
him she wd come after a while which after a while she did _ When I got home _ found 
quite a party at the hammock _ Wright, Mr. Lord & Sam _ Howy & Wash.  busy during 
Marian Kate Millie & Ellen _ we had much sport trying to pitch a little



packet of flower seeds into the hammock whilst the girls were singing
in it - after many vain attempts I succeeded -
Sunday May 3d 1846
Mr Allen preached both morning & evening - I kept my own
room pretty much reading "the philosophy of the plan of Salvation" - till afternoon when Wright & I. accompanied by [?]
who took the opportunity of getting a little fresh air - went over
into Mrs Kemper's woods - [?] soon returned - but W. & I. lay down
on the grass & read Isaiah - As the ground was damp - & we
lay there for hours - I caught a cold which gave me a headache
to add its blessings to the heart-ache which I had to undergo
very unexpectedly before long - After we had read the first 23
chapters - we took our book of Spiritual Songs - & did not
leave, till momentary expectation of the 2d Bell - hurried [as?]
off by way of home to get some supper & then hasten to
church - After church whilst standing in the pew - Kate told
me she had something to give me and as we came out into the
moonlight - she gave me a little paper & turning - attached herself
to Mrs Boardman so that I did not like to walk home with
them - for I somehow felt she did not wish it - I noticed
her cheek was flushed & she looked unusually beautiful - with
her pretty new gingham dress - So I cast a sorrowful glance
at the glorious moonlight - which I should have so enjoyed in
her company & hurried home to read my note - Finding
it impossible to avoid the folks elsewhere - I went down into
the Kitchen & read it - It was short & constrained - giving me up
entirely & for ever - Kate said she felt it to be a duty - that she had today
consecrated herself anew & had resigned [me?] for ever - that we must
henceforward meet only as common friends & as seldom as possible -
no more letters - no more walks - I stood perfectly stupefied - my first
impulse was to hurry to the corner, see Kate & protest against so monstrous a
resolution - my second to commit suicide - I was perfectly desperate - after a while
I called Marion down - showed her the note - & went over to my room in a state
of great misery - though I prated earnestly to God for support - The next morning
I wrote a note to K. - acquiescing in her determination - & devoted myself to religion
as my only object - She was over at Mr Ball's at a May frolic - so she didnt
get it till Tuesday -
Monday May 4th 1846
Was my birthday - 21 years old - what an era in one's life - but oh

Kate! in spite of all my effort - it was a sad birthday for me -
Oh why is it - that our warmest & purest affections are the sources
of our deepest misery? - Because we allow earth's objects that supreme
place which should be occupied by God alone - God help me! - I am
very lonely in the world! -
Friday - May 8th 1846
Read a good deal in "the Philosophy" - this morning - was more
interested - Thursday evening - I went over to the corner
& had a long talk with Mrs. Boardman - about religion principally
& K. as connected with it - Dear Mrs B.! though I think
you are a true friend both to K. & me - I think you have done me
a great injury by putting that for ever into K's resolution - How
ever God's will be done! It will doubtless be or [?] right - Her
little note to me which W. handed me on Tuesday evening did
me great good for I felt very solitary & sympathy was very dear
to me - Since my talk with Mrs B. - I have redoubled my
efforts to put Kate out of my mind for the present - & tho it is
with a continuous & hard strength I have thank God! - in some men
[are?] succeeded - Indeed if I could not - I feel I should grow crazy -
In the evening - had a long talk on religion with Marion who
is suffering greatly both physically & mentally - I did my best to
comfort but I fear in my present state of mind could not do
her much good - God only knows how much I myself need
light & comfort - how then can I communicate them to others?
Sunday May 10th 1846
Spent this day very busily - in reading the Philosophy of the Plan of
Salvation which I finished - In the morning before church - Jones & I had
considerable talking going on & J. ready me a part of the introduction to a work
called - "The great commission" - very beautifully written - A certain Prof. M'Lean
preached - a most rambling, queer, unbearable sermon from the text - 
[Men?]! we establish the Law" - He is a true Southerner & I doubt not useful
in his own sphere & very pleasant in private society but some of the expressions
he used were unique - Amongst others - Profane swearing he said - was an
ungentlemanly, undignified, horrid impriety!!!! - In the afternoon W. J. & I
lay on our bed - (I sat by the North window in the cane bottomed chair, & read Isaiah
- I also read in Acts & in the evening heard Bro. Warren preach - After the Sermon
W. & I walked up the [Madison?] road towards the Catholic Seminary - stopped on the way
by Kemper's lane & sang "Sweet is the work etc" & "Gloria in Excelcis" - to the consternationof [Sundry?] passers by - Near the Catho: Sem: - we sang "I will arise"
& as we approached "the corner" on our own return poured forth a mangled edition
of "How tedious & tasteless the hours" -- then went a little way down the
Donaldson lane - to sing "Oh come let us sing unto this Lord" - As we passed
the dear old gate - We unexpectedly met Mrs Vail & Kate returning from a
moonlight walk - K. with a quantity of locust blossom & wild roses - Oh!
by the way - this afternoon was up in Jones room admiring the appearance of
these glorious flowers & woods & grass from his window - W & I had
been singing Methodist hymns with Mason in our room previously
to the great delight of black Julia & other colored female who came
in to listen & finally joined us - but we could not resist the
temptation in G's room of singing "I would not live always" &
Kate gave W. & me each a rose & me a bit of locust blossom which
I shall of course carefully preserve - they may be - the only memories
of her that I shall possess after a while - Well! I try to say & to
feel which is much harder - if so - God's will be done! W. & I
had a pleasant talk & walk -  Monday April 11th/46
According to appointment made preceding evening drove in Mrs
Vail - Mr Boardman called on me at Office in afternoon to tell
me Mrs V. was in town & I was to drive her out - By mistak-
went to Dr Parks instead of Dr Weeds - waited an hour & a half
read a pretty story by Mis Sedgwick & another by Mrs Stowe - Not
finding Mrs V. gave her up but as I turned into Main St -
the thought occured - perhaps Mrs V. is at Dr Weeds - found her there
- fire at a store near Andress paper store on Main near 5th - Had
a great time finding Rev. Mr Breed's house - it was nearly 9 when
we reached the corner - Took tea with Mrs V. - We eat Corned
Beef for about an hour & continued a long & interesting talk into
which we had got in the carriage - partly religious - principally personal.
Mrs V. & I. talked quite frankly about it - Mrs V. piqued my curiosity
greatly by saying that she had never known but one individual suited entirely
to K. & I think she meant [Press?]: Hildreth - After a while the folks came home
from Mr Tichnor's - Kate & Mrs Boardman gave me an amusing account of the distreses
of certain old maids - particularly Miss [Hammer?] & Mrs [Fluxen?] - Running a race
with Miss Charlotte Kemper's carriage in an old cart without springs - Truly
a dreadful affair - I wonder how I can be so amused by trifles
at a time like this - the most solemn & eventful of my whole life - but
so it is - we sport & skip & smile & dally on the very edge of the volcano
- God help me! - Amen -

Wednesday 13th May 1846
Don't know what I did in the morning to distinguish it particularly
from the usual routine - Oh! - I concluded in the hammock
this morning a long talk with Marian begun the night before - Poor
M. feels miserable both mentally & physically - She cannot reconcile
Fourierism with Christianity nor believe either - Last night she was
very blue - but this morning I managed to cheer her up somewhat - & read
her a little from the "life of faith" by Upham a grand book with
which I am occupied at present - In the afternoon - soon after supper
- by the way - Mrs Lyle is visiting us - I took the "L. of F." in my home
& went up to Jones room - Got to talking till the bell rang for
meeting & J. & I went down - he having to lead it - It was the
best to me I ever attended - J. read Paul's glorious eulogium on
Charity or rather Love as it should be translated - Maxwell prayed - Jones
Walton, Maxwell & Del [Mater?] spoke - the love of Christ seemed to Kindle
all hearts - we sang spirited hymns - and I longed deeply for
closer communion with God - After meeting - Jones & I. took a
walk down the Donaldson lane as far as the Lebanon road - sang
a hymn - talked about religion, love to God - Paul - old associations
- recollections of childhood - J. described his family - of Dr Beeker's life
of camp-meeting of missionary labor - of the probability of his spending
next year East of Wright - & our Texas co-adjutors - in prospective
etc etc - I dont know how it is J. & I. excite each other - & thought
flows out high & free - Found W. & Frank W. sitting dismally
on the door step on our return - Roused them up - took them to
the church steps - & sang - "Faith is the brightest etc" - broke down on
"His foundations are in the holy mountains" - & wound up with that
grand "Gloria in Excelsis" - At meeting this evening Mrs Vail came
in leading the funniest long string of old & young maids -
Saw dear Katie amongst them but only trusted myself with one look
fearing lest I might find it improbable to get my eyes & thoughts off
again - so I set myself earnestly to the hymns & prayers & hurried
off with Jones the moment the meeting closed - Yet - tho. I love
K. better more deeply than ever - I trust I do now feel differently with
regard to it - I feel as tho. God would bring things out for the best - & trust
however bitter my cup may be - that he will enable me to drink it if it
be his will I should fail in those wishes - Sometimes my heart
rebels - but thank God - I believe my soul is not so entirely bound to
earth as it was but a few weeks or even days since - Oh thatHe will give me strength to consecrate myself wholly to him - to make him
the object of my supreme love - Surely this may be the case & yet my affection
for K. be stronger & purer then before - Oh! it cannot be that our earthly friendships
are less strong that we love our Heavenly Father more - No! - the
capacity of love in our souls I believe to be infinite & the more we
love the more will our power of loving increase for ever!
Thursday May 14th 1846
Up early - wind blowing gloriously in the trees - shaking off the
locust blossoms in a cloud - Read for an hour & a half - "the life
of faith" - in the grove - wind roaring about me - with a few
rain drops occasionally - just keeping me chilly enough to be
wide awake & interested - Oh! how beautiful - how glorious is this
world in which we dwell - and how awful & lovely must be He
who calls it all into being! - Never till this Spring it seems to me
have my eyes been opened to the glories of Nature - tho. I have
always worshipped this most wonderful divine material universe -
Oh! Mother Earth! - when Ages have rolled away & my body has been
dissipated into the farthest space by the last terrible conflagration - in
new & higher spheres of existence - may I not look back & call up almost 
with a sigh - the inexpressible - the strange joys & feelings - which thy
rocks & groves & clouds & skies & mountains & fountains & valleys have
poured into my young soul - Oh! God is good - shall I not love
Him! - have I any cause to doubt him! - Has He not ever been
to me a friend - I ought to thank - to love - to worship him with
my whole soul - And may he forgive me for the Past - that Past
which with me has been a period of gigantic sin - with Him of
astonishing forbearance - Oh! - when I think what influences he
has brought to bear upon me - what advantages of natural power
& of circumstantial development he has given me - I feel that my
return has been that of a Friend! a devil incarnate! - I - the
child of many prayers! - the son of such a Father - of such a Mother
- I who have known what it was to love Christ! - & have sold him like
Judas for a price & what a price - for the gratification of the sense
- for the rule of the Passions - for the pleasures of Time & [?]
Oh! once I knew that it was to weep for my own sin & for His sufferings
who took as I [trusted?] - their penalty upon himself - & yet - It is wonderful
when I look back at it - yet at this very time - I did commit sins & commit them
knowingly - with all those deep feelings & emotions - Now! on the contrary
sin has so blinded my eyes that I cannot feel - I write with a dry

eye - with a steady pulse - yet I have given up all those things
which originally led me astray - have resigned for ever - come light
come darkness - those temptations which once were irresistible - My
love for Kate makes the resignation of some easy - my duty places a
barrier against others which still retain all their charms - Well! - perhaps
if not in this world - God will forgive me in the next - if I really
thoroughly consecrate myself to him - Day by day I try to do this &
will continue to do so - with his help - till death! - Amen -
this afternoon came up earlier than usual in consequence of a change
in the hour of the leaving of the Mail - Mrs Lyle still at home -
That talk which I again had with Marian seems to have assisted
in getting her somewhat out of the slough of despond - I would
be thankful - if God would permit me to be a help to her - for
she has been a very kind sister to me - & who knows how much
her mind has been infected by my scepticism in times past! -
Read "life of Faith" till Supper - then went over to my room
read - talked with W. & J. & wrote journal till 10 oclock -
Friday May 15th 1846
Got up rather late - took in some letters for Wright - one
to Miss C. M. White - one to Miss C. M. Wright - one to the Ms Vail
containing particulars of his Texas Scheme & propounding some queries
there unto concerning - About 11 oclock I got voraciously hungry & was
unable to resist the temptation of going in to lunch at Selves' - It
was so good that I shall have to adopt the plan - my
only reason for not having done so constantly before has
been my fear lest the carnivorous diet would be injurious
in my present state of health - As I rode up - just passing
Pendleton's I met the Omnibus coming down - As I approximated
it - a head protruded itself suddenly through the window
& immediately afterwards a hat was waved violently before my
astonished optics - It was no less distinguished an individual than
Brother Chandler returned from the East - & it really did me good to
see his pleasant good humored face again - A meeting at Mrs Vail's
the Messianic prophecies from Bro. Lord & perplexed my brains with hi
voluminous prolixities till near midnight -
Saturday May 16th 1846
Most beautiful day - instead of reading this morning - talked to Marian
who feels better both mentally & bodily & has got back into a more trustfulState of mind - This afternoon when I rode up found little
Eliza Stowe & Hatty Peck swinging in the hammock. Went right
up to Marian's room expecting perhaps Kate was there but was disap-pointed - Talked with Marian awhile - about Kate - her poor
health which often makes me very uneasy - Whilst so doing
in came the young lady herself on her way home from the
Cemetery - where she had been gathering roses - how pretty she
looked - I could not help coming down to the door after she
left a few moments afterwards to watch her as she ran up the 
path - Oh! how I wish this embargo was off! - I do so want
to talk with her - I miss her every evening more & more! -
She made some pleasant little observation to me this afternoon for
which I was thankful - Marian & I walked & talked till 10 -
about religion, Ellen's change of character, Emily, Elizabeth, Christ
in his influence & character - the appeal to our highest nature made
by the orthodox view, the melancholy aspect of life unless it or
something else be true - & about Kate - Came over to my room
& read Exodus till W. came home quite late (Wonder where he
has been?) - then we read & prayed together & wrote journals
till here I am alone - Saturday night - the hour is late
I think of you - sweet gentle Kate -
I hope that you are fast asleep
But I am half inclined to weep -
For oh! - my heart is desolate
Without your love - dear gentle Kate! - Ah!
me! - what a moving ballad - tis time I break it off - lest I
break - the Sabbath instead - Poor Mrs Washburn has been very
sick for several days past - but as I hear is to-night a little better -
Sunday May 14th 1846
A Beautiful day - was very busy reading Nelson on Infidelity
& other works - Dr Becker preached a grand sermon on the justice
of God's government in the support of the doctrine of eternal punishment
In the afternoon W. & I. sat under the trees in the grove & read the
introductory chapter to "the great commission" - A very eloquent &
beautifully written chapter - In the evening [Madon?] preached a sermon
in very uninteresting & lengthy manner - Was amazed at the filial affection
manifested by the young ladies in the pew before me - trying to keep their
Pa awake -

Tuesday May 19th 1846
Sang a little with W before breakfast & learned "there is
an hour of peaceful rest" - passed K. & Mrs B. riding down -
This is my last day in the Steward's Hall for all entreaties
have proved fruitless& "the Dr" as the students call Mr Irwin
says we must leave -
Saturday evening June 20th 1846
Upwards of a month has gone by since I last noted down my
record of my earthly existence - & in that month a good deal has 
transpired - I have been [?] in the 4th Story of the Seminary
- commencement took place last wednesday week - the students
have all left but Wright, A. C. Lord, Hogshead, M'Lean, Chute
Barris, Wheeler & Chandler - I have had long talks on personal
matters with W. Mrs B. Jones & Marian - The embargo
still continues & I suppose will do so - till W's engagement
matter be decided - which it is not yet - though his last letter to
Miss M. was put into the Office by myself more than a month
ago - I. & M. are as I had long suspected much attached to each
other - He is gone to Illinois - started Tuesday afternoon
with [?] G. Lord, Joe Wilson, Mason, Cummings & Blanchard to Ills.
on a missionary tour - We exchanged miniatures & I recd a
note in pencil from him the next morning dated Louisville
describing their religious operations amongst a large party of Texas
volunteers who were on board - This so stirred me off that I went
over to see George D. who had been at Mt. Ephraim sick for
several days - Had a long very interesting talk with him principally on
the subject of religion - left him "Nelson on Infidelity" and am in hopes
he will carefully & prayerfully examine the subject - Dr. Beecher started
Wednesday morng - last for England - We hill folks shall miss him
much - I had a very pleasant 3/4 of hour conversation with him at his
house the morng of his departure - went over to return some books &
found him arranging his papers - Ellen seems to be coming out right on
religious subjects - Sam has had rather bad luck in Milling - has lost
as much as he had previously made - took a swim the night before the night
before last - with W. C. [Fr.?] Washburn - I wrote a hymn a few weeks ago & sent it
over to Kate by Pres. Hildreth who was here on a visit commencement week - but
she showed it to Mrs V. who stopped it - I afterwards gave it to Mrs V. however
to give too K. at some future period tho. I doubt whether K. will ever see it -
[Mr?] V. has returned & is partially acquainted with the condition of things - W. is only waitingfor a dissolution of his Southern [eng?]; to renew his attentions to K.
in which case I fear he will be successful -- I have been very miserable
about it till within a week or two - but now feel to some extent to
trust it with God -- I believe twill all come out right - & if it 
is best for us to be united -- God will bring it about for me if 
not - His will be done --
                                                      Monday Evening 1/2 past 10 oclock
                                                                    June 29th 1846
I have just moved from Bushnell's room  - in which I have 
been for a month past, into that one formerly occupied &
bequeathed to me by Jones -- [Howy?] came over to help me move
& having completed the arrangements - he went to bed & I to
Wright's or rather Chate's room - where with the two said
individuals I found a component part of a trio & we sang
the "Star Spangled Banner" & "I'm afloat" - ending as usual
with the Gloria & Te Deum - those glorious remains of a true
Christian church -- I am pleased to find that I no longer
feel toward W. that personal uneasy feeling which of late
had so much marred the pleasure of our intercourse -- In fact
the change in my feelings with regard to the whole affair within
the past few weeks has been really wonderful -- From the time
of my reception of Kate's embargo law -- I was miserable &
grew daily more so - as I found constantly more & more reason
to fear that K's feeling toward me were diminishing with
my absence & W's star rising more & more into the ascendant -- 
At last the evening before Commencement day - my sufferings
arrived at a climax - through a long conversation which I had
with Mrs. Boardman at the corner - in the very room - at the very
window where Kate & I sat when she came in and begged me for 
her sake to try to become a Christian - a request - & a Sunday which I
never expect to forget whilst eternity endures -- This talk with Mrs
B. lasted from 1/2 past 6 till 1/2 past 10 - & almost destroyed my
hopes sanguine as I am -- I found that K's sympathy & deep attachment 
to me had been sometimes mistaken by me & I doubt not often by
herself too for a warmer feeling - and that too would have inevitably
arisen long ago but for the continual presence & influence of her former - &
I fear - her present object of her attachment -- I found that just at the
critical moment when I seemed to me succeeding in carrying off the palm -- Mr
& Mrs B's advice -- had led her to feel it was her duty to give me up & not only
For [Wednesday] Tuesday in addition
Singing in woods before breakfast.
Wednesday — Rode to corner with Kate
quite late have indulged in Shelley and Lacksley
Hull with her & Millie in parlour
Pres Hildreth's letter Swing in hammock
Joe Wilson and Frank — prayers — walk over
with her — scene at gate — little talk with
Sam and Millie — Marian's ferocity — postponed
pudding, talk with Wright. Thursday
Morning, home at 1/2 past 6. After prayers
wrote journalleft note with Mary Thursday 
- bad [sweep?] it met - Went to Prof 
Smitt's lecture - Jones in room when I 
came up - poor fellow very sick - Frank
bad cold--

Friday - K. at window 
no letter - down in carriage - Morton coming -
 drove out late - found party at hammock 
- greenhouse - Marian to stop 
with K. - talk & discussion - Judgment day 
Electricity - P.&M. - Bishop Berkley - 
Journal bad - Saturday - Jones childme but Marian also - Kate's dearest & best friend - & 
to suspend almost all - even the commonest friendly intercourse.
She tho't it her duty because she believed me attachment to her was 
keeping me away from Christ - because she thought that Marians
involuntary influence over her mind & had shaken her own faith just 
enough to make her unhappy, & because her Mother was very
jealous of Marian & did not wish her to see her - So - she gave 
us all up - and went back in the old hum-drum mode of life - with 
a lot of stupid old maids & silly little girls & nobody of my mind
about her but Mrs. & Mr. B. & her mother - Of course with one so 
sensitive & sympathetic as K. - all this influence thrown into the 
scale against me just at the moment - religion, friends & a prior 
attachment all against me - her interest in me has gradually lessened
& without the interposition of God - it will continually lessen & K's chance
increased till a different state of things occur. I should not have
been afraid had Marian been with K. as much as [poss]formerly for 
when K. is with out family -  she cannot but feel strongly - the
superiority of most of us over the good, but narrow people 
amongst whom she has been brought up - & she cannot help
perceiving that in many respects -  I could be to her - what W. 
never can - however tis all for the best - My faith is in "the 
searcher of all hearts" - Commencement day & part of the next
were the most distressing I think, of my life - at least since Father's
death - and I believe a week of such continuous mental suffering
would have absolutely Killed me - but at last - perfectly
worn out I left the Office - went down stairs & prayed earnestly 
to God for strength & faith - I felt my anxiety suddenly & inexplicably
leave me - & though the matter is still in suspense
& several weeks have since past - & my attachment to K. is stronger
than ever & I think of her constantly - yet I cannot feel anxious or
miserable about it - for I know God will order it for the best -  
A few nights Eliot [R?] and I took Marian, Ellen, Emily, & K. to Mrs. 
Kroops benefit concert - Mr K. DeMeyer the pianist, Mrs Irwing & 
herself were the performers - most glorious concert ever at
- music unequalled - Last rose of summer on violincello - hard
to beat - "Yankee Doodle" & other little songs on the guitar - rich
[T???] woman's song &c in last piece - duette - piano and violincello
best of all - ice cream afterwars in the saloon of the Sons
of Temperance - highly diverting - altogether an Ordinary wd say- Iwas "very well entertained" -- Sam got pounded a few nights
ago on the road home by som drunken Dutchmen -- His phiz 
looks rather gloomy & startling from sundry dimples & variagated 
hues of complexion which Dame Nature never furnished it before --
W. & I went down & rescued coat & hat & next morng threatened
the scoundrels with arrest -- but could not identify -- Think of 
taking the Tellership in the Trust Co -- if to be had -- Spoke to
Fosdick about it this morng -- Have heard from Jones twice
since his departure both hurried but characteristic notes dated
Louisville & St Louis --                                        July 2d, 1846
Well the die is cast! -- a chapter in my life is finished -- a
star has fallen from Heaven -- that star my sun of hope --
Here I sit at 1/2 past 11 -- a lovely moonlight -- this night
two months ago -- Kate gave me the note of resignation -- tonight
I recd her note of final separation -- On returning
home this evening I read to Marian a short letter I recd from
Elizabeth enclosing $30. -- After supper I joined M. at the 
hammock who told me that Mrs. B. had called to see me this
morning -- that W. had recd a letter of dismissal from Margret
that his engagement with K. was renewed & in short that the
dog is dead! -- Well! -- I stood it like a Major -- not in vain have
I striven for months with prayer & tears to conquer -- the hardest
foe of a man -- his own heart -- I have stood it like a solid granite
rock & by the grace of God - no external sign shall hereafter show
what I feel stinging the very core of my heart -- No doubt -- I shall
get over it in a few months -- the energy of the human will is short ,
only of omnipotence -- I will cast off this incubus -- my young life
shall not be embittered by the loss of dear Kate -- lovely &
loveable as she is -- Henceforth she shall be to me a sister & nothing more
-- God bless her -- She & W. took a walk yesterday afternoon & were
not back till after supper -- To-night he went down with her to the
commencement of the Woodward College & I hear the carriage now as I write
setting him down at the Seminary gate -- Well -- God bless him too --
He has injured me somewhat in this matter but yet had I been placed
in his circumstances I dare not say I should have acted otherwise --
On thinking over my past life -- I find that tho I have often
been pleased & sometimes a little fascinated -- I never have formed a
real first love till I cherished it towards K. & now I know
not whether I shall ever experience a 2d even if I live long
enough to find a congenial spirit -- Twill be hard to do - for
what between Ap.?. -- Kate & my own dear sisters Marian & Elizabeth --
my standard of female excellence is so high & definite that I
shall not easily get caught -- However I can if necessary live
alone -- I have now an object in life - the search for truth
& the imitation of Christ -- I desire to do good to my fellow men &
want only to know how best to accomplish that end -- I have been
thinking over my duty for some time past - but tho I long to go throu
College & develop the mind I am conscious I profess -- yet duty
& all the indication of Providence force me to business -- Be it then
-- accordingly -- I am trying to make West cast off Frebiger? who
is of no manner of service to him & take me in - at the same
time trying to induce Vallette to advance me his endorsement
for $5.000. to start with -- V. however wants me to go into a
distillery at New Richmond but I feel disinclined but on
conscientious grounds since I think tis at the wrong end at which
to commence reforms -- but Mother wd be very unwilling & I
don't approve of outraging public opinion -- altho it may be
mistaken -- I suppos a few weeks will settle the affair --
I sometimes feel glad on one account that Kate & I are separated
forever -- viz it leaves my mind free to act on the queston of
questions to me -- What is Xtianty? -- Had her influence come in 
I should doubtless have been drawn into the Presbyterian church --
now if I am so influenced twill be by the truth only -- I spent
the evening with Mrs. B. at the corner and left with her a note
to K. -- asking her if it would not be painful to see me --
to-morrow afternoon -- I want to show her what my course
has been  --
                                                                       Friday  July 3d
This morng rose rather late but me? Hudson just
emerging from his slumbers which I fear were rather
disturbed by the bugs which he was busy killing as I
passed by his room just now -- Did not receive any answer by
Mrs. Boardman to my note - from Kate - which seems
to me rather singular -- Sang with Marian from 
Kingsbury's Social guide -- Came over to Chate's room where
I found Wright somewhat to my surprize -- as I suppose
he would have gone down to hear Addie Hinsdale read
her address in the Methodist episcopal church this evening
We sang "I'm afloat" twice at C.'s request-- & I told W that  

I wanted to have a talk with him, where upon we made
an appointment for to morrow morning which as tis now 11 o clock
makes it necesary for me to be brief & go to bed. Called on Lathrop
this evening & had an hour's talk. Went over his machine shop
with him & found him very friendly. He says he will keep a look
out for me. Have not yet answered Elizabeth. To morrow being a
holiday I must take advantage of it to do so.

Saturday July 4th 1846
A smoking hot day. Wright called me about 5, & we
took a walk out the Madison Road. I took my journal
along, told W. that as the affair with K. was now settled
I congratulated him on his good fortune & wished to explain
to him what my motives & conduct had been from the
beginning as I knew that he had done me injustice in
both particulars. W was rather unwilling & would rather not
have conversed upon the subject but I gave him my version of
the whole affair, showed him some few pages in my journal &
told him that I never either with him or Kate should
refer to the past. We separated at our gate. W. said to me
that he shd. like to come over & see Marian, the folks & myself,
but he thought he never shd. feel at ease & at home with
us hereafter. I told him, I could do more, it was perhaps
naturel he shd. feel so. I couldnt help it. I had said all
I could on my own part & that of M. The talk was
not on the whole at all satisfactory to me, how could it
be so under such circumstances. I learn from M. that K. wd.
rather not at present speak about matters & things with me,
perhaps it is best that we shd. not. Spent forenoon at the
office but about 12 took Kittie & rode down to the 5th St.
Ferry to attend the Sunday school picnic in Ky. Found the
Boat has gone down to "Britt's" a few miles below, so I left
my horse at West's & went over in a skiff. Met a few acquaintances
& was by Mr. Chandler introduced to Mrs Hopkins (to whom I have
long desired an introduction) & Mrs Hicks (formerly Miss Ross - Had a
very pleasant walk over my hill with them & spending the afternoon
with them, came across in their company & left them at the Whitewater
Canal bridge. Went up to West's bed room, where I found Uncle lying
on the bed with all his windows open [?] endeavoring to get cool,
when I arrived there I was in a frightful state of partial roasting, but

undressed, washed, got cool, rode home & forgot my watch.
Am trying to persuade West to quit Febiger & take me in as a
partner - if I can get Mr. Vallette to raise me $5,000 - Also I
am fishing for a berth in Trust Co - if a vacancy occur - Sam did
finely in his address to the children - it was just the right length &
the right thing & altogether came off very creditably - Sam has a
fine mind- & is a nice fellow - I am quite proud of him.

Sunday July 5th -  [Tuesday July 5th]
Spent almost the whole day writing a very long letter to Elizabeth
Mr Boardman preached in the morning but I was too busy to attend 
Went to morning meeting & in the evening heard a long prosy discourse by
Mr [Vail?] on this everlasting & to me now somewhat thread bare
Subject of Sanctification - took advantage of a shower to stay away from
Sharpsburgh having vainly tried to procure a substitute - I must give up
my class there - I have so little liesure -  -

Tuesday July 7th 1846
Marian told me that K & W are coming to tea must try to stay away
I cannot see them tougher without great pain & I believe they are
together all the time. -- Recd a message by old man Lyle that Cash &
Bishop wanted to see me - Going over saw him & Stetson & recd
an offer of the office of Paying Teller - I requested till day after to
=morrow to consider - went down to whitewater in the afternoon
Had a long talk with Uncle - on coming up found K & W with
the folks at the hammock -- They waited supper a long while ex
=pecting me but had entirely given me up -- After a while Ellen
& I went over to the meeting at their house - K & W retd
with us to our gate - glad I suppose of the excuse to take a 
walk together in the beautiful moon-light -- Two moons ago
it was different  - oh how different! - how will it be six months
hence-- we shall see - I have a kind of presentiment that the
matter is not done yet - I don't altogether despair -- childish as
it may seem -- when I see K. married - that will be time
enough --

Cin, Walnut Hills, Oct 4. 1846
This cloudy Sunday morning I brought over my journal
from my room at the Seminary & taking a seat with my
back to the wood fire in our dining room with Sam similarly
occupied beside me & his ink stand between us, haveonce more commenced this brief, imperfect record of
my life - a record only written -  to what purpose? - Fifty
years hence where will be either writer or record - I shd.
be very unwilling that any eye but my own shd. look
over its contents & I never read what I have written.
Yet somehow I like to find a confidant in my book &
talk away to it as a very old, tried friend & one who
professes to perfectly a gift not always to be met with in
others ez - a very unvarying taciturnity -- Since I last
laid down my pen - much has happened - the Trust
Co. plan broke down - owing to their very dishonorable conduct
with regard to salary -. I entered into business with Atkins 
J Blair under the title of Wm Atkins & Co - & for two mo's
have been engrossed day & night by business - I took a
great trip on leaving Mr Ellis the 25th July - through the
State to Xenia, Columbus, Mt Vernon, Wooster, Akron
Cayahoga Falls, Cleveland, Sandusky, Marshfield, Columbus
Wheeling & I do so by river home - I had a nice time,
was gone two weeks - made some pleasant acquaintances &
revived others - let me see - 
Monday Morn 9 - Sam & I
rushed violently from Mr Ellis' to Rail-road depot
found cars gone 5 minutes, hailed a dray - jumped
aboard & chased [them] caught them at the Place where
they put on steam, stopped at Xenia only 1/2 an hour --
saw Drake however & I didnot succeed in borrowing anything 
from him - got to Columbus that night - riding on outside
I was aggravated by hearing a great singing inside, in
which I might have joined had I been there - Stage dropped
at Neil house - next morn I saw Mr. Moodie at his house
Mr. Deshler away from town - very hot day - visited the Esslys
&c - next morn went out to Mr. Moore's & stupidly missed the Wooster Stage - went out to Mr. Moore's - 
visited Halberd's in afternoon - Miss H pretty & sentimental - stupidly missed the Wooster Stage - Thursday
morn I started on top of the stage umbrella in hand - was
unexpectedly introduced by Bella Essly - to Mr & Mrs Andreas
Mrs Gwynn & young Andrews going East - Had a talk with
an Indianapolis Miller about association - went inside - taking
a place occupied by the father of a numerous family of -
small children two of which I carried & fed with cakes & 
apples - all to have a talk with Mrs Gwynn - found it so pleasant
that I remained inside till evening - after supper at Mt. Vernon

where our ways diverged - Mr Andrews & I had a fine talk on
Slavery, politics & - was exceedingly delighted with him & parted
with regret - I taking the Cleveland stage over those [?]
Loudonville Hills - he taking a sleep in bed - previous to taking
the stage next morn I for Mansfield - Got to Wooster next
morn I - chilly & dirty - found Pardee absent -washed, put on
clean shirt & started right away for Akron - reached it
Friday evening in time to see a temperance Sunday school
celebration - two boat loads from Cayahoga Falls of children
just going back - address delivered by clergyman hurrahing,
much waving of headkerchiefs &c - saw Cas. M Mullen
no money again - treated me very kindly - showed me the
Mills &c - gave me letters introduction - fine fellow -
Next Morn I - Started for Cleveland in stage talked
with that English Iron master - in the afternoon - Saw Klenes
ran down to Lake - much delighted - no money as
usual - next Morn I (Sunday) ran about the town - beautiful 
place - fine views of lake - In afternoon got on board
Steamboat - having taken leave of my temper and  pavilion 
friends met at Baptist church - reached Sandusky that evening
walked round - desolate place - Started in Rail-road early
next morn I - rode on wood car - ran over some sheep -
breakfasted at Mansfield, unexpectedly met old friend Maxwell
fell in love with young lady at tavern window - Ricked up a
fuss at Mt. Vernon that evening & succeeded in getting extra stage
right through to Columbus - Saw Moodie next morn I - visited
Penitentiary & Asylum with M' Alssin  whom I met at Sandusky
Lunatic Asylum curious looking plan - horrid glaring eyes - Next
morning - started in the stage down National Road - Rode on top all
the way - got to Wheeling next morn I - borrowed $1500. from Brady -
fine fellow much pleased - next day took Steamboat - having met at
W.   Tim & Frank Goodman & some fine Marietta girls - Miss Anderson
only attraction - moonlight singing, hooked watermelons at mouth of
Big Sandy & lost my Panama hat & Borrowed captain's - Got back
Sunday night - went down & slept with West & Joe Torrence - since my return many
things have happened - poor Addie Hillsdale is dead - the best &
most talented girl I think I ever met - I was one of the
pall bearers at the funeral & feel very sad to think that I shall
never see her again - Jones retd & that strange little romancereached its finale _ Mr. & Mrs. Chandler were married, 
he, ordained & they have started East with Jones on 
their way to India __ So, we go, making friends only 
to part with them __ I started a day before them
with Clifford up the Whitewater left town Monday Morning
& got back Saturday Morning _ made a great many business
acquaintances & several Agts _ left Clifford at Brookville
on my return & came over the hills by way of Hamilton _
_ Have also been to Hueston Settlement for wheat _ and 
to Lebanon in a buggy with Marian also on business ___
hard at work day & night _ sick of the constant 
labor & confinement but chained to the wheel &
marble to help myself __ Kate & Wright I presume
see a good deal of each other __ I see little of either &
desire to see less _ as I seldom see Kate but in Wright's
Society & that is always very painful to me __ I
know not now whether my life will have enough
variety or interest to justify me in journalizing it -  
it resembles the rhine which after winding amidst
castle crowned rocks & romantic forests & vineyards
creeps lazily along through level & monotonous plains
-- Yet not lazily __ God knows if wearisomely, unprofitably
so _ I am at least active enough & will
be so while I live __ I am not writing at present
I know, in a very amiable humor__ I have just talked
snappishly to Mother, which is rascally & always makes
me feel badly afterwards __ Also I am troubled about 
many things __ poor Elizabeth in South Carolina with
her noble nature & high purposes _ condemned  to teach
in a Country School at $300 a year _ & Anna _ writing
for reviews & studying physic in close, crowded New
York __ & I hear able neither to assist them, make
home comfortable, find truth myself or help others
to attain it _  Restless & disappointed myself _ seeing
Marian uncomfortable sick & unhappy _ everything
written & without wrong & out of joint __  And added to
all this _ this infernal complaint so foolishly brought 
on & so invertedly fixed which for two years has
embittered my life __ Well __ the only remedy is to

trust in God & work __ Things will come out straighter
after a while __ Ten years in a phalanx may make
amends for all, even on Earth __________ Met George on
Main St. yesterday _  he says that Frank & Anna G are
to be married next week _ much surprized + rather 
pleased ____