Anna Dickinson GENERAL CORRESPONDENCE Meeker, Ralph [June 2, 1869-April 19, 1879]**Confidential** P.S. I saw your reply in proof last evening. It is good. Neither H.G. Reid nor Mrs. Calhoun wrote the Editorial though it may have been written by order of Some one of them. (?) You give R an awful shot in Revol. [United states Internal Revenue, Collector's Office, Ist District, New York. Long Island City] Tribune June 2, 1869 No pen can express the joy that I experienced on reading your letter this morning. Your words more than repay me for all that I have done. Like you I am sick of this everlasting heartless sympathy. I see the victims of society stowed away in mahogany coffins, and their wives and children left to starve. Men & women send up long winded petitions asking God to have mercy on the dead and yet they continue to damn their brothers and sisters here on earth. The swarms of women who walk our streets, are tenderly invited to go to glory via the midnight mission, while the sons of Christian parents send fresh victims to the ranks--And then there is the Rum business - the twin Sister of Prostitution-brooding humanity with its wings of death. How can I cease work while these things continue. I am called crazy- bless God for it. I know we are gradually drifting into the light, but the speed is so slow and the agony is so great I have made up my mind [that] long ago that the example set by Christ is the only one to follow.. A simple carrying out of these principles is worth a world of philosophy. Phillips is right. I used to think much of the Stage and I considered it a great place to get wood & water but 10 years, [?] experience behind & before [the]the curtain has taught me that it is all a cheat + a lie. How can [Lester] [Wallack} give lessons in virtue, so - long as he goes around the country with his mistress[es] No drama is half as instructing as actual life. No struggle is near so great as the "Struggle for Life". Miss Dickinson the only [duck] on which to build, is the one lying the deepest down. Dickens understood it, the [bough] the hearts of nations into sympathy with the poor. If one would see heaven let him look through the [senses] of others. No rainbow can compare, with the one made by tears. I am not going to be seduced by flattery nor lies, by great(?) men, nor rich men. I never told even my mother what I tell you now. I have promised Eva to devote my whole life, and what ever fortune I may possess, to the elevation of the degraded and I know I shall succeed if I keep on. I am getting my education now, and hope to be able to rip open some of this social + political, rottenness. I may fall, but if I do remember that I started out right. I talk to you thus, because I feel that I have a listener. You are the only person that I ever knew, who dared to speak to an audience on prostitution - a subject that nearly drives me crazy. It is awful to think of. When I preach, let me take a corps from the charity hospital for my text. Oh! wont the nice dressed up Christians - the delicate played out spiritual debauchers squirm when such a text is laid on the pulpit. Take corsets for instance + preach on the damnation of the 19th Century. I am full. I pray for you daily - "Go on!" the harvest is ripe --------------------- Believe Always Yours Ralph Meeker Tribune officeGreeley Colorado. Sept. 26th 1870. Not for the world would I offend or pain you unnecessarily. The parallels were unfortunately but innocently made. My disgust for shams & soulless people, perhaps, lends too much warmth to my expressions, which added to an abundance of spiritual & other kinds of egotism are more than terrestrial clay can bear. I trust the invitation regarding the mountains, was not out of place, if so may its orbit speedily change. I could not imagine what was the matter at Boston unless S.J. was with you. The next day a letter from a friend in the Catskills told me that I was right. Had I known that Miss Joy was really at the "Clifton" I would have written differently. I am ashamed of nothing I wrote, but I am sorry on your a/c. Thinking that I could interest you now that I was in this "wonderful"countryI ventured to ask permission, but did not dare to expect anything from your precious moments beyond a few occasional lines. I detest the music of a whine, but I must say that feasting alone from this awful communion table of nature is tantalizing - especially when God is untying all the knots of ones' soul. However there is an Equinox in the "Dreams" of youth, which taken at the flood, lead on to reality. So hopefully, I keep my "phantom"s before me. Some people call these mountains "perfectly splendid," & I am beginning to think that it is useless to sprinkle cabbages with rosewater or to read Byron to owls. Before I forget it, I want to say that I should have apologized for what I said about Mrs. Richardson-McFarland. Occupying the nearest desk to the Rablisher in the counting Room, I heard much during the confidential interviews, after the shooting 3 or 4 yrs. ago. This with what I heard from some of the old Editors & others in high places, made me think that all sides were to blame. Especially the Calhounists. I still believe that J. Hine's Brown & his party are an unprincipled set? but this is not the point, As my father said McFarland did enough before he shot Richardson to merit hanging, if any body does. Mrs. R's Statement, & some of Mrs Runcle's letters were overwhelming & convincing. Sinclair is a splendid good man, & I was glad that he came off so well. Regarding my last letter &c., if you have any Banister for me, be as frank as you please, I can stand anything but Beecher's last Temperance lozenges in the Ledger. I wish you could see these wonderful northern lights, & the sunsets that are reflected on the opposite horizon - presenting a natural miracle of beauty: and the shadows of clouds on the mountains 75 miles away - yet apparently by your side: and the mountain shades rising from the softest purple tintsto snow, while dazzling and embroidered with gold. The winter scenes are here now. Through fields of living green, I see fields of everlasting snow and before my eye is a precipice of granite 1/2 a mile high. How blessed it would be were more things in this world made plainer. But perhaps the blessing can only come to those who with bloody hand stoop down and clear away the thorns. Well if I find any fond clippings I will send them anyhow, and I am going to keep on asking God to inspire you as he has before. Bidding you an epistolary farewell, I remain at heart the same as before. "Very truly yours, " Ralph Meeken. Miss Anna E. Dickinson. P.S. After holding back the enclosed one mail, I feel that it will do me good to tell you what I have been working for during many years. It is to engage in your profession. I know full well that every prominent person is approached in the same manner a thousand times. Tho' it is no news for you to hear these words, to me [their] they express my highest ambition, with the following explanations. To reach the human heart directly & make it better, is the dream of my life & all these sorrows which fill the world will overwhelm me, if I do not seek to lessen their number. Beyond daily food and clothing, I care little for money, but the never ending [steams] tears which stream down the face of humanity, fill my soul with a desire which no pen can express. My heart has wept in lonely silence all through boyhood years & now the time has come for me to act. This winter will solve the problem.Every road has seemed to lead through thorns & over precipices. My soul has fed on itself too long. The shell which holds it much burst or I shall die. To me ordinary newspapers are emblems of trash and the writers thereof mere chattering skeletons. (To neither parent nor relative have I breath a word concerning these subjects). "Writing is your forte" comes from all quarters, but I know it is false - & yet I live a life of doubt. Miss Dickinson; I have not such a pen knife to find when I seek your path, to burning all bridges of suspense, I confide to you [the] my secret, [which] that it may force me on. Living without a single word of encouragement except the eternal newspaper cry, is hard work. I was at school every day I reported in N. Y, & now I think the time for further theory is past. I hope to rise above all passions, & the hollowness and of those who would pull me down. If any of the scoffers should ever ask for help, of course I will gladly aid them. I suppose your grand strength enabled you to walk alone. Alas! I am but a man. Still what woman has done, may not man do? This desire has been at the bottom of all my letters to you, and it is the only leaven that can ever satisfy me. All attempts at public speaking have made me ridiculous, amid a multitude of blushes, and incipient chokings. However I do not dispair, for too much steam is better than too little. Sucess goad one on, faster than the most cutting lash possibly can. My father thinks that there is nothing like retirement, a piece of land, & plenty of ideas. I contend that to have perfect peace we must hush the orphan's cry! That to have our land increase in breadth we must set its captives free; & that ideas may multiply, we must make it possible for every human being tofully develop the body, mind, and soul. Could you read one for a moment, you would find my purposes greater than I can make them appear. Some day when my words grow plainer, you will understand why I have so often sought your You. May God bless and protect you is the continual prayer of R. M. If I even have the joy of becoming acquainted with you, I will tell you some wonderful stories about what I have seen and heard dring the past 3 years. But I [juess?] you have already heard more than I ever dreamed of.The New-York Standard. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, Editor and Publisher. New York, Dec, 23,1870 It is no gush of sentiment that thanks you for the third reception you gave me today. I feel honored. My manhood says "Good bless you". Now will you please drop me a line, that I may get it in time to call on you at the Westmoreland? I want to know for certain when to meet you, so as to keep the Engagement. Newspaper men are sure of watching a week ahead. I should like to talk with you say 1/2 an hour if you can spare it, for I want to say a few things which you will not regret. The New-York Standard. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, Editor and Publisher. New York,....................................1870 I worship frankness and I will not deceive you, nor place you in unpleasant positions. The day will never come, when you can say "he has taken advantage of my kindness." Miss Dickinson, I beg of you to trust me. I am dying to know what you thought of those two letters of mine from Colorado. I did not mean to offend you. But it did me ever so much good to send you the words I did, even if it was imprudent. This is not to open any correspondence or to take advantage of your kindness today. I write as one friend to another. Will you be as frank as I [deem] am trying to be? Sincerely yours, Ralph Meeker Anna E. DickinsonThe New-York Standard John Russell Young, Editor and Publisher New York, January 3rd 1871 Nothing can stab one deeper than the thought that I have "hurt" you, and am sorry if I appeared hurt myself. Your reply does not disappoint me, but it is an awful rebuke. This throwing ink through the mails is uncertain. Now don't - I pey of you - dispise me for what I have written. Millions a thousand times better than I, have done the same, but none of them meant to be kinder. Though I have not the shadow of a claim on you, yet I am glad for my own sake that I wrote. The "old" cross is heavy and covered with thorns, but I am going to carry it if it never blossoms, I give a thousand thanks through my tears for what I have received from you. While I bed your pardon for taking it. Faithfully yours Ralph Meeker. Anna E Dickinson The New-York Standard. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, Editor & Publisher. Personal New York Jany. 15th, 1871. Leaving school at 10, and attending only 15 minutes afterward, I went from the folding room of the Tribune to reporting I wrote of my disgust fro the principles of that paper, little thinking that you knew its Editor. At last after all the hours of tears and dreams, I send you the first little apple of my Spring. And now in the twilight of the future I am beyond the great stone barrier, the river, and the coming tide. I was in extacy an hour ago,, but the chains are back again, yet not so tight as before. I R. M. is good, but he doese not want to attack the Tribune now. I dispise its great wealthy meanness. I rejoice that I am not its slave. Forgive this little note if it is too brassy. It means well. I shall strike Bed Rock some day, & redeem my promises. I saw that hand the other night. It is a hand of fire. I see it plainly now. Beleive me faithfully yours Ralph Meeker Miss Anna E. Dickinson.Private Frank Leslies N.Y. Aple 26, 1873 Sunday Eve Beecher will provide for you if you wish to speak before you go. He said to me today, "I will do anything for Anna Dickinson." -If I am called to Europe on important business may I sail on your ship if I behave myself? I meant to see you about it at the earliest hour. When will you come to N.Y? My name must never be mentioned in connection with J.N.Y. or the H. for his sake, and for my own sake, at present.Bernard has not been near me since he returned. & May the Stars Kiss You as I do. Sincerely Yours, R. M. Regards to your sister & mother. I can swim. If the thing leaks or runs on a Cactus bed I will take you ashore. I want to see you & old England Shakehands. I want to see your eyes fall on the home of Shakespeare & Dickens. I'll only have to pay passage to London, After that all will be well. To raise the necessary $200. will be my present work. I wish I could have managed this N.Y. lecture without interfering with that Champion Truth distorter - but I will make it. In Europe I'll have the best chance of my life to make money & a name, & I can return when I please after months, or thereabouts.Greeley, Colo. July 3, 1873. Mother says I did wrong in writing so sweepingly about "disease in nearly every family" in "A little plain talk," of which I sent you a slip and my sister who has been an invalid from childhood because of fevers, is pitching into me, & the papers and people are hurt, & I expect there will be a general growl from those who persist in misunderstanding the spirit of the article. As for men and newspapers, I care nothing, but where friends take it up I feel hurt myself, for I wrote that article after long deliberation with the wrongs of woman cutting into my heart. I am indignant at the cantShirk & shrink from the discussion - They don't want anybody to touch it even while the great multitude is drifting - drifting down to oblivion. It makes me wild to think about it but I have not written this to take up your precious time. R.M. and meanness that characterize the success of the woman's movement - when they as a class are a set of hypocrites. I never heard a man yet boasting of his ideal of [the] woman as being too pure to allow her to get out of a greasy kitchen, but he[d] did not habitually disgrace decency with his stories & I repeat that it is hard to find 10 men who will talk purely 10 minutes among themselves especially if they are doctors or masons - "accepted" or otherwise. Now why women should hesitate to have them branded and the truth told is more than I can tell, - but a certain class do - and an impure peace suits better than a war for chastity. I am now speaking on general principles [& In] In addition to the above, good & noble women Greeley, Colo. July 6, 1878. The Bozeman (Mon.) Courier says that you are to visit the Yellow Stone, & go as far as the Columbia. I suppose that you will pass thro' Cheyenne. If you do & can tell me the day you expect to reach there - or the day you leave Omaha, I shall be glad to shake hands & give your party a dinner at Cheyenne. They have a good Eating Establishment there, for this country. Cheyenne is 50 miles from Greeley. Yours, Ralph Meeker. Miss A. E. Dickinson. Greeley Colo. Oct 6, 1873. I wish I could hear that new lecture tomorrow eve, in N.Y, but I will be there for the other one. I shall probably start East inside of 3 weeks. The weather is the despair of words to describe - it is as fine as the finest June save only more of Indian Summer. I find time slips, that about last June is a hoax I guess. I think of you every minute in the day, & my eyes are happy seeing you before them day & night. God bless you, The one Woman. R.M.I wish you a happy birth-day. Greeley, Colo. Oct, 19, 1983. Sunday Morning. I expect to start east this week, but on the eve of going I want to repeat (though a thousand others better than I, may have said the same thing) that the deepest and truest love which one can give to another, I give to you. Has God made a being who can say more? In you I find the higest and noblest conceptions of an Immortal Woman, and were I to be burned for them, my last words would be, "Thou art the one woman to whom I joyfully give my life and Soul." God bless you and keep you, beloved friend, is the prayer of Ralph Meeker. Miss Anna E. DickinsonO.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City, January 15,1874 When you come to n.y. & have time You should see "Paris by moonlight" and "London by day". They are really wonderful. The canvas is 80 ft. high. From the top of the Tower in the Garden of the Tuilleries one sees the entire city with millions of lamps burning, and the country far beyond the suburbs with a wonderful sky fall of glittering winking stars that actually seem millions of miles away. Bernard said it was the biggest thing he ever saw. You will want to go to Paris the moment you see it. The people in the streets appear half a mile below among the palaces of that wonderful city. I have seen nothing so strange and interesting outside of the Colorado Mts. The chiming of the bells, the fountains in the gardens, the trees, and O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, 2 New York City, 187 wonderful things in marble enchant the beholder. I put your notices of Mr Brackett's pictures in the Graphic Sun & Illus. Weekly Frank Leslie. Had a visit with S. E D. that did me good. She is as kind to me as she can be, & Bernard is delightful. Do you suppose that I can ever thank you for your goodness to me? Bernard says that N.Y. seems like another City when you come into it. The man reverences you and I tell you he is smart. I don't like Mr. Chatfield. I think that he treats his wife like a dog, and if it were not for her, I would give him some of the plainest words he ever heard. His boy Is a nice fellow. My only objection to him is that he is coarse,O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City, ______187 3 and means that he is foolish and cruel. Because his wife treated me like a friend -- or as a friend, he seemed nettled, and I shall not set my feet in his house again soon, although he shakes hands & extends warm invitations. And I shall tell Betty that it is best for me to keep away. He is a dog. Dog is the word that expresses my meaning. We were playing with the dog at the house. I said the dog did not fancy me. She said he was afraid of me; that I was too fierce. I said it was one of my marks of affection. She said he could not understand it. "My Wife would have no trouble" said the brute, & she colored & tried to turn it off, while he smiled O.G. BERNARD & CO 139, 8th Street, New York City, _____187 4 at the hit. Does he have no gratitude, he the gray haired monster to whom that poor woman gave herself, and made so many sacrifices for his sake. I think that he should thank God three times a day for what she has done for him, but instead of ordinary decency, he {does not se} has only coarseness and brutality to give her. I think a word out of the way for a sensitive woman like her, is worse than a blow from a club. For him to think that she cares for anyone but him is stuff, & as for myself it's nonsense boiled down.O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City, ______ 187 5 Now I knew knew that this was Chatfield's style when I wrote this, but I learn enough to know now that it is no new thing with him. So to make Betty's life [better] more pleasant I will keep away. The man is jealous of everybody - women as well as men from what I can discover Now the reason I went out there as often as I did was because she talked so beautifully of you, & I thought that this alone and [than] other things would surely disarm the beast. He abuses Mrs Richardson, and other good people. He is down on the opera, & lots of other things too fine for his muddy mind [of] to understand. If it were not for his O. G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City ________________187 6 wife I would bother him for the fun of the thing. However I will give him a rest, praying meanwhile that he will reform or die as quickly as the Good and merciful Lord will let him. My friend, a woman's life is hard at the best. I weep for her. Its the incarnation of deviltry - this brutal coarseness and beastliness combined.) I hope she will get all the money she can out of him, and spend it like the dew. It's strange how he came to have such a nice decent boy. If am am wrong in the above I am glad for her sake. I am getting on first rate on Frank Leslie's Weekly.O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City, 187 7 Bennett has come, & I suppose that as soon as he makes the proposed changes in the office, and make matters right with the Assoc. Press. (So far as Dana's influence is at work) he will have Young home. It would not do to have him there before. I rec'd , a letter from J Ry the other day, assuring me of his warmest regard &c &c. I am really sorry you are to be away So long, wished I could have said "goodbye", But I have your presence with me all the time. You can't take it away, & with it I try to do as one acquainted with such a woman as you should be. Yours always, A.E.D. R.M. [O.G. BERNARD & CO.] [139 8th Street,] 7 Beach St. New York City, Jan, 26, 1874. I sent you a note with the Brackett notices, saying that I sent word to Betty Brown as you suggested. I am glad you agree with my estimate of that devilfish. Were I the owner of legal third of his winter smiles I should shudder for joy. As a piece of family furniture he is as interesting as a pocket graveyard. When he courts another woman he should write his love-letters on nightmare tinted paper and impress a skull and crossbones seal on the white wax. He is an old grindstone & grinding up tender hearts, His ideas of women are expressed by tape lines and scales. [but his] but he forgets that the avoir dupois conceptions of women end [with] in their shrouds.2 O. G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street New York City, ............................187 My severity may seem uncalled for, but I cannot help this feeling of destestation for such people. I am convinced that this brutal sensuality is at the bottom of 9/10ths of human suffering. Here is where ignorance, idiocy, beastliness and general infamy begins and finds their growth. And the question is so black that no one will touch it in daylight. I marvel how young men manage to live at all, and then after they have grown up, I marvel still more to see how it is possible for women to be so pure and beautiful and live with them. - Now I won't speak of those who have never lived in a decent home, I will look at myself. With good influences and a mother such as few have, I ____________________________________________ 3 O. G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street New York City, ............................187 had to fight every hour of my life for a pure ideal of woman. and it is to this end that I have prayed and shed many tears. I inherited a blessed instinct from my mother, but with it came a burning imagination, and a fierce passion - and it is of this under life that my nearest friends know nothing. For years it seemed as if I walked on the brink of an awful pit - which was nothing more than the fear of destroying my ideals. I can not begin to make it plain to you, but they seemed more to me than my own life for they were sacred & apart of my life. When I left home several years ago, mother wanted me to promise that I would always be true to women, and as pure toward them as toward my own sisters.4 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, NEW YORK CITY, ____187 (in one sense) I laughed, for I never thought of being otherwise, and I said it was ridiculous to talk about it: it was like asking me not to steal. Then a sadness covered her face - then a beseeching smile, and she asked me again. I said it was absurd and taking my little bundle I went through the gate for the last time. On a hill beyond our house I stopped, there was the old house in the Evergreens. Everything that my master had done for me came before my Eyes: then I said to my brother, "tell her that all she asks, I promise, she will understand," and to this day [that first smile] that parting smile has not faded from her face. I went through the temptations of Chicago and N.Y. [coming out] and came out _________________________________________________ 5 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, NEW YORK CITY, ____187 purer than when I went in. I look back now with tears in my eyes, and tremble. How easy to have fallen! How narrow the escape. After this I found you, and in you I recognized the holiest ideal of a woman, possible for one to conceive. The grandeur of your character so dawned upon me that I fell on my knees many times, and entreated the Father to show me some road to reach you. I could see only one way which gave me hope, & that was the faith I had in my mother. I knew her, & I knew that God would do anything for her, though such as I was completely unworthy of favor. But I feel that I must do something too, then I promised the things I have told you, & every day [for]6 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, NEW YORK CITY,......................187 since I first knew you I have asked Him to bless you, & that is the only prayer I have now. The knowledge of you has grown into me . -it is as much a part of my soul, as my own spiritual life. I never dared to hope that my young dreams would be fullfilled, but I find more than I asked for, and I feel some days as though I were about throw away my body and live without it. The result of my experience, is, the belief that all this inexpressible joy came because I made mother that promise & kept it. Now the only drawback is [for] my ownself. I am not so selfish as to imagine that you have no claims to satisfy. I realize that if I, so small, had such high ideals, how much more must be the wants _________________________________________________ 7 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, NEW YORK CITY,......................187 of a soul like yours. I tremble as I think of it. I did not try to humbug you when you came to Colorado. I said, "I will be natural, and leave the rest with God." I look back on some of my actions there with shame. What would I not do to blot it out. I ask for only one more trial. Every time I think of the noise I made in the Canyon coming down from Pike's Peak, I feel sick at heart. I fully understand the embarrassment of that trip. There were many things that I would gladly have done, had we known each other better. How could I intrude? How could you ask, or make known your wants. When I go with you again I'll leave nothing for you to wish. I want to go south with you sometime.8 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City, 187 1st because I like the country, 2d because I know the people thoroughly, and 3d- for the greatest reason, because you enchant me. A million years cannot obliterate the remembrance of that ride through Monument park, when I sat at your feet. I never heard such marvelous creations as fell from your lips on that afternoon. I could have died perfectly happy when we returned. It was to me what the ride from Fair Play to the Springs with Mr. N., was to you-only more so- if you will let me say the words. -I have thought sometimes indeed often- that I ought to withhold any enthusiasm and not crowd my attentions on you so continually, but the pain of risking it is too-much. I have resolved to [continue] 9 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, New York City, 187 be frank, courteously doing every possible favor for you- so much so- that if you were to say that silence would be that favor, it should be granted. If you can ever send me a line once a month, or once a year, consistently, I shall be grateful. But if you cannot, I shall love you just the same, and I be just as kind to you as tho', you wrote regularly to me. I want to make you feel that I am living for your sake, and that you happiness is my own. In no instance have I ever complained even to myself in secret, because I heard nothing from you. The dearest spot in Colorado is in William's Canyon. It was there you said you guessed it would end all right.10 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, NEW YORK CITY, ____187 I recognize the universal fact that greatness is born of time. How great will be your love when it does come. You can never know how deeply I was affected when you told us of your trials on the shore of that Twin Lake. I took you in my arms and wept with you in spirit. John hurt me as much as he did you. But my relation toward you kept me silent. How I longed to be your brother for an hour. Now in closing this long letter, let me say that although others who have proven false, have talked just this way, I shall never say the same to any other woman. I shall never go beyond you - let the result [come as] be as it may. I have something in my love for you, that the words - "Divine passion" (as ___________________________________ 11 O.G. BERNARD & CO. 139, 8th Street, NEW YORK CITY, ____187 they are commonly defined) fail to express. It is adoration. In you I find the best that there is in a mother, sister, brother, father, lover, friend, When I compared you to the Amazon, I recalled the marvellous stories told by traveler of its tropical mysteries. You are the Fifth Symphony of women. Oh' for the time when I can behold the approaching of this miracle before me. When may I come nearer? All that I can say, is, that I love you, & always shall. God bless you & make You happy is the prayer of R.M.Frank Leslie's N.Y. May 27th, 1874. I am doing good square work now 'days, besides patronizing the dictionary and savings Bank. When I enter or leave my room, I kiss your picture. The last thing on going to bed, and the first thing on rising in the morning, is to look at that face which has become almost human on the paper. How much more then, must be the soul which it represents? R.M. June 22 1874 When I entered the room the other day prepared for your mother I felt more [ref] reverence than when entering a cathedral, and I took off my hat twice. — [*Anna Dickinson is writing the story of her life, and dozens of young fellows in various parts of the country are earnestly beseeching her to say nothing "about that engagement."*] Sat. June 20. N. Y. Eve Telegram. This is a great Country for newspapers, R. M.Herald N.Y. May 6. 1877 Anna: You will like this letter because it promises you that this day is the burial-day of my feeling for you. Susan put it in the dust, you lifted it up into the light and treated me in a noble tender way - which to my last day I shall never forget. Now, of my own accord I put it away from you forever; because I have such a feeling for you that its respect for you - causes it to become its own executioner. It is impossible for me to destroy what I have not created, but so far as mere outward expression isthink I ought to know if you were angry with me. I could stand anything but that. Then he said no, but that I ought to know that you never could have anything but friendship for me. But Anna, he said it so kindly, & you have treated me so kindly, that now there is no humiliation nor shame of that terrible kind, which over whelmed me when Susan wrote the last letter. You resurrected that which was buried in disgrace, and allowed me to bury it in honorable [grife] grief. It is needless to say that I have grown this in two weeks, but now it is all over, and I will do my best to make the impossible Impossible. Let the light and glory of ten years of youth go [at] into oblivion for both our sakes. The chief object in writing this is to express to you the deep gratitude I feel for letting me see you as I did. No gentleman could have the audacity to take advantage of such confidence in his honor. There is one and the last favor which I ask - and that's that you will let me come and see you as a friend, briefly for the last time. concerned I am - through suffering - the master, and nothing shall be lacking to give you peace and satisfaction. This is no time for fine language. With tears and an overflowing heart I send you the obituary of my first life - of the youth and summer of my life. I have never played the spy nor double part with you. If there is anything that has appeared wrong, it would not have seemed so in the light of all the facts. From some word which dropped incidentally in conversation, and from a certain peculiar atmosphere which M. Carpenter has unceremoniously shown, made me suspect that he knew something about my case more than I did. (When I was sick I told him about it.) So last night I asked his plainly if the subject had been mentioned between you. He finally admitted that it had, and he said he [did it] spoke of it for my own good. [There] I said it would not be right for me to intrude into your conversations, but I did2 There are two or three things that I want to explain. It will make me feel better and give me more strength to bear the burden that has got to be carried for a few years. Susan said something about a little matter in regard to something I had said about her & you, that does me in- justice because it was misinterpreted. There are one or two other things which I can explain clearly.You have been the world and the sky above the world, and the sun moon and stars which glorified them. It is death and blackness to have them all, but I have the strength to do it. The hand of my affection is at this moment on its own throat for your sake. It might be annoying to you, it might show a weakness in my own good faith to even talk about a close friendship after this - for a season at least, but unbidden, such a feeling will steal out into the night to watch by the grave of my love, and see that it does not return to trouble you again. May I come this afternoon late, or this evening or tomorrow evening, to bid you goodbye? - & say "farewell?" In saying "yes," you grant the favor of a life time. There shall be no scene - nor advantage taken of your generosity [???] for strength for a piney in the wilderness and the desert. God bless you, & help one when you know and to whom you are kind. Ralph Meeker Miss Anna E. DickinsonElizabeth N. J. 4-19-79 Dear Ralph - Bosh! Know me to be,as ever, Yours sincerely, A. E. D. To Mr. Ralph MeekerR Meeker